Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I don't want to be sick.

I've watched and read so many pro-ana works, but nothing triggered me as much as Cassie from Skins.
I stopped eating for 8 hours, then forgot and had a few candies, then haven't eaten for 9 hours on.
I haven't slept in probably 30 hours.
The thing Cassie says about stopping eating every time she feels bad about something...
My bf has been beside me on the bed all day and night and hasn't said or noticed anything. But that just means I can get away with it longer.

I wish I had something to go back to from this relationship. He's not terrible, he's just not... Effy and Freddie. He's not gentle, sweet, caring etc.
I'm afraid that I'm staying in a relationship that won't last. I don't see how it could.
I'm already tired. I haven't felt excitement since the first month or so. It's been a year and a half.
Am I supposed to feel soul crushing love or is better not to? Is it normal not to?
I'm worried if I marry him, it will just end in horrific heartbreak.
During arguments he turns mean. Not abusive, just like... like he knows the absolute most soul crushing thing to say during an argument, just to be vindictive.
I don't feel... happy.
I think every day about leaving. But I know I never will.
I'm such a coward.

But pushing the limit of my body feels good in some weird dark way.
I keep thinking of ways to self harm that can be passed off as accidents. I thought about learning to skateboard so that I have a legitimate reason to be bleeding everywhere.
I thought about passing a piercing needle through a tiny part of my skin so it's almost too small to see, and easy to pass off as an accident.
I've started keeping track of how long it takes between feedings. Like, last time I ate, and then the time I ate so I can keep track of my small victories. Maybe the point is to keep beating my record.
I'm so tired but I don't want to go to sleep. The longer I feel hungry for, the more high I feel. It's not a very good high but... as much as I can get right now.

I feel like, realistically, convincing myself I'm suicidal will save me so much pain in the long run.
Life is so much pain...

I wonder how much I'll weigh in the morning.

I want to be sick.

I don't want to be sick.

I want to be sick.

No comments:

Post a Comment