Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Thoughts on moving.

I ended my fast at I think, 26 hours.
I'm eating more for fear of my binge disorder coming back. The longer I starve, the more likely I'll binge.
I've worked so, so hard to get to a point where I'm only eating when I'm hungry and stopping before I'm full. Every day that goes by without a binge seems like a miracle.
I honestly can't remember the last day I binged.
When I started, I never thought I could get through two days in a row without binge eating.
Now most days I lose weight instead of gaining. I'm still mostly maintaining but the weight is very slowly, painfully dropping.
I lost four pounds over my fast I think.

I haven't seen my dog in six months now. I never, NEVER thought it would be that long.
X and I were told by his mother that they'd be paying for a deposit, and that they'd already found a place for us, and that X was guaranteed an interview at his dad's work.
It was all a lie to bring X close enough that they could manipulate him. He hates them.

But they finally found a little house for themselves with a bit of land. If we can find a nice enough trailer we'll come with.
It would be so nice to have my own bathroom again.
I think I'd live in a shitty one with just a bed and a bathroom if I could just get out of here to begin with.
These people are insane and thrive off of drama.
I'm having episodes of agoraphobia where I can't leave my room because I'm trying so hard to avoid them.
People are so shit.

I just want my dog back. He'll never stop loving me. I think that's probably the appeal.
That and he's big enough to scare the shit out of people.

I want another dog. Maybe.

I can't touch my cat anymore because I found out I'm allergic to her. So... I'm a bit lonely. Not that cats are that great of company anyways.

I just want some fucking privacy again. I want to be able to sneeze without the whole house hearing.

I can't believe I'm going to be 24 this year.
This blog is old.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I don't want to be sick.

I've watched and read so many pro-ana works, but nothing triggered me as much as Cassie from Skins.
I stopped eating for 8 hours, then forgot and had a few candies, then haven't eaten for 9 hours on.
I haven't slept in probably 30 hours.
The thing Cassie says about stopping eating every time she feels bad about something...
My bf has been beside me on the bed all day and night and hasn't said or noticed anything. But that just means I can get away with it longer.

I wish I had something to go back to from this relationship. He's not terrible, he's just not... Effy and Freddie. He's not gentle, sweet, caring etc.
I'm afraid that I'm staying in a relationship that won't last. I don't see how it could.
I'm already tired. I haven't felt excitement since the first month or so. It's been a year and a half.
Am I supposed to feel soul crushing love or is better not to? Is it normal not to?
I'm worried if I marry him, it will just end in horrific heartbreak.
During arguments he turns mean. Not abusive, just like... like he knows the absolute most soul crushing thing to say during an argument, just to be vindictive.
I don't feel... happy.
I think every day about leaving. But I know I never will.
I'm such a coward.

But pushing the limit of my body feels good in some weird dark way.
I keep thinking of ways to self harm that can be passed off as accidents. I thought about learning to skateboard so that I have a legitimate reason to be bleeding everywhere.
I thought about passing a piercing needle through a tiny part of my skin so it's almost too small to see, and easy to pass off as an accident.
I've started keeping track of how long it takes between feedings. Like, last time I ate, and then the time I ate so I can keep track of my small victories. Maybe the point is to keep beating my record.
I'm so tired but I don't want to go to sleep. The longer I feel hungry for, the more high I feel. It's not a very good high but... as much as I can get right now.

I feel like, realistically, convincing myself I'm suicidal will save me so much pain in the long run.
Life is so much pain...

I wonder how much I'll weigh in the morning.

I want to be sick.

I don't want to be sick.

I want to be sick.