Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Thoughts on moving.

I ended my fast at I think, 26 hours.
I'm eating more for fear of my binge disorder coming back. The longer I starve, the more likely I'll binge.
I've worked so, so hard to get to a point where I'm only eating when I'm hungry and stopping before I'm full. Every day that goes by without a binge seems like a miracle.
I honestly can't remember the last day I binged.
When I started, I never thought I could get through two days in a row without binge eating.
Now most days I lose weight instead of gaining. I'm still mostly maintaining but the weight is very slowly, painfully dropping.
I lost four pounds over my fast I think.

I haven't seen my dog in six months now. I never, NEVER thought it would be that long.
X and I were told by his mother that they'd be paying for a deposit, and that they'd already found a place for us, and that X was guaranteed an interview at his dad's work.
It was all a lie to bring X close enough that they could manipulate him. He hates them.

But they finally found a little house for themselves with a bit of land. If we can find a nice enough trailer we'll come with.
It would be so nice to have my own bathroom again.
I think I'd live in a shitty one with just a bed and a bathroom if I could just get out of here to begin with.
These people are insane and thrive off of drama.
I'm having episodes of agoraphobia where I can't leave my room because I'm trying so hard to avoid them.
People are so shit.

I just want my dog back. He'll never stop loving me. I think that's probably the appeal.
That and he's big enough to scare the shit out of people.

I want another dog. Maybe.

I can't touch my cat anymore because I found out I'm allergic to her. So... I'm a bit lonely. Not that cats are that great of company anyways.

I just want some fucking privacy again. I want to be able to sneeze without the whole house hearing.

I can't believe I'm going to be 24 this year.
This blog is old.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I don't want to be sick.

I've watched and read so many pro-ana works, but nothing triggered me as much as Cassie from Skins.
I stopped eating for 8 hours, then forgot and had a few candies, then haven't eaten for 9 hours on.
I haven't slept in probably 30 hours.
The thing Cassie says about stopping eating every time she feels bad about something...
My bf has been beside me on the bed all day and night and hasn't said or noticed anything. But that just means I can get away with it longer.

I wish I had something to go back to from this relationship. He's not terrible, he's just not... Effy and Freddie. He's not gentle, sweet, caring etc.
I'm afraid that I'm staying in a relationship that won't last. I don't see how it could.
I'm already tired. I haven't felt excitement since the first month or so. It's been a year and a half.
Am I supposed to feel soul crushing love or is better not to? Is it normal not to?
I'm worried if I marry him, it will just end in horrific heartbreak.
During arguments he turns mean. Not abusive, just like... like he knows the absolute most soul crushing thing to say during an argument, just to be vindictive.
I don't feel... happy.
I think every day about leaving. But I know I never will.
I'm such a coward.

But pushing the limit of my body feels good in some weird dark way.
I keep thinking of ways to self harm that can be passed off as accidents. I thought about learning to skateboard so that I have a legitimate reason to be bleeding everywhere.
I thought about passing a piercing needle through a tiny part of my skin so it's almost too small to see, and easy to pass off as an accident.
I've started keeping track of how long it takes between feedings. Like, last time I ate, and then the time I ate so I can keep track of my small victories. Maybe the point is to keep beating my record.
I'm so tired but I don't want to go to sleep. The longer I feel hungry for, the more high I feel. It's not a very good high but... as much as I can get right now.

I feel like, realistically, convincing myself I'm suicidal will save me so much pain in the long run.
Life is so much pain...

I wonder how much I'll weigh in the morning.

I want to be sick.

I don't want to be sick.

I want to be sick.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Feeling a bit weird

I feel like I might be losing it.
Like some demented part of my subconscious has broken off and is playing games with me without my consent.

I probably just need to get glasses to stop the world from spinning.

Reading a book about a girl who needs a psychologist has left my dreams a little dark.
A dream about my dead sister decomposing has left me wondering if I ever dealt with those feelings in the first place.
Last night I dreamed I was in a small house with a bunch of other homeless girls and we were all smoking weed. I've never had the chance to try it yet, but I do want to get high...
I hope my brain gets it's shit together soon.
I'm getting a little unnerved by my own consciousness.

On another note, I lost five pounds.
Got to a weight I haven't been at since September.
Fingers crossed whatever I've been doing sticks and I get even lower.

It's strange that my subconscious picks now to take a dip in the dark end. Everything is actually alright right now.
Maybe my life is finally stable enough for my coping to go on a shelf while my unresolved shit takes a turn in the front seat.
Maybe my coping is malfunctioning and things aren't as good as I've led myself to believe.
Things just got abstract...

But I'm actually having a good day.
Going to see that new mythical beasts movie in theaters later with my boyfriend- hopefully.