Friday, September 9, 2016

2:13 am Friday, September 9, 2016

It's been a long time. For a while I was so self conscious about how pathetic and whiny my posts are that I made it private but now anyone can see. I want it that way. I don't want to silence myself.

What do I even update for everyone? How do I know there is anyone there to even update?

I'm at my highest weight ever.

I can't say anything more devastating than that.

For once, there are good things happening in my life, but as is the nature of my illness, I can't see anything past my own insecurities. My weight. It's like the fat on my body darkens every good thing around me. It cloaks me from good fortune, and I can only see the world around me through my fat colored lenses.

I wish I could be happy. I wish I could convince myself that weight isn't everything. That I can be happy and fat. Trying to convince myself that is a battle everyday. It seems I can't even sway my own mind. I'm not happy.

What's so wrong with that? Would it really be healthy to be content with an overweight body? Technically I'm obese. How can that be a good thing?

I'm so ashamed I can't even share my weight. I know I'm anonymous. I still can't.

I'm no longer at my parents' house.

My bf and I moved in with his parents temporarily until we can find a place.

We've been together over a year.

The thing I'm scared to say, even to myself: I'm still not sure we'll work out. I hope we do.

There are no insects here. We have good internet and a tv hooked up with actual channels. I feel connected again.

I miss my dog but we'll soon be reconnected. I hope.

In December, the bf's parents will be buying land, and they want to give us several acres to build on.

We live less than an hour from the coast and they keep trying to get me to go with them for a day on the beach. I don't want to go because of my body.

The sister who lives here has everything and it hurts so bad to even look at her that I avoid her. I hope she doesn't notice.

Sometimes at night before bed, she walks around in her underwear. She is so skinny I can't even breathe. She's going to the Bahama's in December with her best friend who is a guy. He's in love with her, but she won't date him. Then next year, he's taking her to Ireland. It's hard not to hate her.

I'm putting my whole life on hold because of my weight. Sometimes I'm terrified I'll be fat for the rest of my life and miss out on everything, but at the same time I feel like I can never truly enjoy myself while I look like this.

My bf wants to propose and we want to get married but I told him I can't get married like this. I can't look back on my wedding forever and see myself in a plus size dress. I can't.

I want children before too long. I had an abortion earlier this year. It was unavoidable. I'd been taking a medication that had too high of a chance of deformation or death for the baby. Besides that, I was unable to get on insurance and we were living in a tackle room off a garage and including the abusive environment my family created, it was no place to have a child.

I am also aware that at this weight, the risk of complications are significantly raised. I can't have kids until I lose weight.

I have to admit this dark thing inside me- When I found out I was pregnant, all I could think of was this friend I had who was so fat you couldn't even tell she was pregnant, right up until she had her baby. That terrifies me. Maybe I could live with the weight gain if I was already at a healthy weight. I don't know.

So I guess I'm getting back on this blog again so I can say all of the things I can't say to people in real life.

I'm going to try and lose weight again and post my progress on here. If there is any.

Maybe I will reveal my high weight later. For now, I'm just going to get some coffee and relax.