Saturday, February 27, 2016

Me posting depressing shit again...

Sorry about the long vacation guys. I wish it was a vacation...
I feel like I'm reliving a nightmare again. Every relationship is the same for me.
It starts out nice enough. Then after a few months it goes wrong slowly at first, then it speeds up.
When I dream, all of my ex's mesh together. My bf hasn't even made it into my subconscious. Last night I dreamed I was staying with some relatives and I was talking about how I'd be married soon, but when they asked me who it was I couldn't remember. I kept searching for a name or a face and coming up blank. I find it a bit disconcerting.
I'm finding myself more and more disenchanted with my bf. Lately I've started to wonder if I still love him, or maybe if I ever loved him.

The other night I had this horrible panic attack and like always, he just sat there through the entire thing. He didn't say anything, or move, or look at me. Of course I was so hurt I lashed out like I always do.
"Am I just not worth comforting?"
"Do you not love me?"
He's always done this. I don't know why I thought it would ever change. It's been six months. Nothing has changed.
Then when I'm starting to feel as though everything is hopeless, he starts crying. Sobbing. Shaking.
What am I supposed to do then?
At first when he would do this I would comfort him, and we would go to bed and I would just shove back all of the feelings that never got resolved. But this time, I just couldn't. I couldn't break out of my own panic attack to comfort his little breakdown. I just couldn't.
I just wanted to be comforted.
Usually I panic for a few hours and then when I'm completely broken down sobbing he tries to pull me in for a hug and I won't let him. Because it feels insincere.
Sometimes I ask him if it's only possible to comfort me when I'm sobbing. He doesn't really have an answer.
I feel angry that he has to make it about him when I need him the most. Maybe I should feel guilty but I don't.
This lasted all fucking night. I couldn't deal with it. I took 7 hydroxyzine and went to bed. I slept for the most part of two days, and now I just wish it would have lasted longer.
I'm suicidal again.
I feel as if I am in another bad relationship.
I had such high hopes for him.
(Is something wrong with me???)
I think I might actually die here at my parent's house. I'm depressed enough now.
Every time I try and bring up how depressed I am, he turns the conversation around to himself and how depressed he is. But I'm the cause of his depression.
God I suck at relationships. Or maybe I just suck at finding the right guy.
Anyways, I've been so sick with this extreme fatigue that I gained 20 pounds in a month. I'm slowly losing again but who knows how long that will last.
God I'm depressing...