Friday, July 17, 2015

Seems hopeless *depressing rant*

I'm having a really hard time right now. I live miles out of the nearest town which is tiny. By car it's over an hour to any city. I can't drive. No one will teach me to drive. No one will give me a ride. I have no friends here and have no way to make any.
I found out I can't go to college. No matter which way I look at it, I just can't get the funding. My parents refuse to help with anything (it's easier for them to just pretend I don't exist).
I'm terrified and I have no future.
I've been suicidal all my life up until now. I still think about it sometimes but there are so many things I want to do- if by some miracle I escape this place.
My dad scares me. He has violent outbursts and everyone here seems to think it's okay. The moment you slight him he threatens everything you hold dear. I can't call the police on him. He never actually hurts anyone or if he does it's an "accident". And everyone who knows my family thinks they are beyond perfect.
My dad is actually so good at pretending to be a "good" person, he's actually one of the leaders in the church ward here. And he actually believes it. I lost all respect for him the day he told me he believed Jesus would have treated me the same way that he did during my teenage years. I'm agnostic, but anyone who thinks that Jesus would be so cruel and hate filled is dead in my book, whether he exists or not.
I have no health insurance so I can't get happy pills, even if I weren't allergic to them.
And I'm sick. I'm really sick. The kind of sick that lasts over two years and makes me unable to do anything. Some days, I have to message my sisters to help me feed my pets because I literally don't have the energy. Like, passing out if I stand up too long sick.
I seem to be allergic to everything I eat. It's paralyzing pain if I eat the wrong food. I don't even know why. I just know that when I eat mostly fruits and veggies I can actually get out of bed that day.
I feel stuck.
Listless.
At times I feel completely hopeless.
What is there for me to do?
I literally will be stuck here forever. It's not an over generalization.
I knew when I came here that I would probably die here. I knew that it was a good possibility that I would be stranded here.
I'm tired of people telling me that I should just do this, or do that, as if I have any means to do anything. It's easy for them to think that everything will be okay because they have backups, and backups for their backups. They have friends and family to help them out. They are able to work without being so paralyzed by their own fears that they nearly die in the process.
I think it's hard for some people to realize, that sometimes there just aren't any options. Thousands of people die of hunger, die of sickness, die in poverty, and die suffering. Not everyone can have a happy ending.
I don't want that for myself, but it seems incredibly evident to me lately, that I might just be one of those people.
This post is depressing as fuck though...
Oh well. Read it or don't read it. I don't care.

PS. Did I mention my room and bed are infested with earwigs? Everything is covered in black mold including chunks of it in the shower- (it's no wonder I'm so sick right?!) The entryway to my room is covered in dog shit and piss because my dad couldn't bother to build them a dog house, and the bathroom are covered in little kid shit. It's just seems like every time I finally feel well enough to clean, I get a little bit done only to have it get ten times more disgusting before the day even ends...