Monday, December 28, 2015

Holidays are almost over

Hey guys.
To answer some of the questions in the comments- I did try lorazepam for a while but it did nothing for me at all. I used to take five just to see if more would help and panic right through it for 8 hours straight.
Also, me and my bf met online which is weird. We kind of forget. When we finally met face to face we were both super tired because we both have insomnia and it was awful. The whole day. But I liked him and he liked me, and we probably saw each other the next day. Within a week we were dating and at around a week of that, he suggested half joking we go to Vegas and get married and I half jokingly said I would. We didn't lol. But it was fun joking about it.

To update about the meds I was on. I went to the Dr. for what I thought was a uti. It turned out to be a reaction to the lithium and I was pulled off of it. I had to deal with that pain for over a month before it finally went away. Also, the prozac did the same as the other SSRI's I was on (which are labelled as an allergy on my medical history due to two suicide attempts...) and I had several crying jags a day and wouldn't leave the bedroom unless I had to pee so bad I was going to wet the bed.

Lately I'm just not coping with how skinny my bf is. He doesn't eat enough. Every time I see him picking slowly at his food I feel as if I have to run into the bathroom right then and throw up every last disgusting bite of food I consumed. I feel disgusting. I snuggle him and can't get comfortable because his hips jut out so far. I don't even want to touch him lately. I am just so ashamed that I look this way and however much I hate myself for being so upset over his body, I can't banish the obsessive thoughts. I think it's worse to have an eating disorder and still be fat. Then you get nothing. People don't even acknowledge that you have one because you look more than healthy.
I think I used to cut one cut for every calorie over my limit I ate. I can't even cut anymore. I don't want him to know anything is wrong but he already knows there's something.
Being disabled is crushing.
Being so immersed in an obsession that you can't win, or fix, or get away from is crushing.
I'm drowning in all of the things I just can't do.
I still really struggle with feeling like it's not worth it, you know?
It's sad that I am squirreling away all of my leftover meds, even when I am actually happy, just in case I want a way out later on.
It's scary that secretly, my only real New Years Resolution is to be anorexic. I have starving periods but my binge disorder ultimately rules my life.
I start to think... there is nothing left for me here.

Sorry for the depressing post guys. It feels like that's all I am. There is no me, it's just this gaping black whole filled with all of my faults and afflictions.

1 comment:

  1. Hey! There you are :) I was worried.. It's weird.. your background and your experience with the police leaving you on the roadside, I always imagine you stuck out in the snow =/

    Lithium is a horrible drug to withdraw from, lasts such a long time. I'm glad that you got through it.

    It's hard when we have ED brains, not to have 'issues' or judgements of other peoples bodies. Maybe because we are convinced that everyone else judges ours. Does he have an ED?

    Maybe try putting a pillow on him when you snuggle ;) or maybe just try talking to him? Maybe you can offer each other support in news ways, especially if you can communicate well.

    You'll figure it out though, make sure you come back and blog!

    Love always,