Saturday, November 28, 2015


I guess I've been so preoccupied that I haven't been blogging.
I've had a terrible time lately but things are looking up.
Last time I posted, I was with my boyfriend for 3 weeks and now we've been together for 3 months. He's still amazing. I still wonder sometimes if he's real because he seems too good to be true.

Two weeks ago we were pulled over and my bf was arrested for driving on a suspended license. It was suspended because of a payment issue with one of his tickets. It's in my top scariest nights for sure. I had to wait in the cold as they towed his car and he was handcuffed and put into the back of a police vehicle. I wondered if I would ever get to see him again.
He had handed me his phone before getting out of the car and I could hear him asking the cops from the back of the police car to make sure I got home okay. They left me on the side of the road and I had to figure out how to get home. Luckily my dad's number hadn't changed and I was able to get a ride.
I then cried and panicked all night and all the next day, even after he got out. My mom took me in to urgent care where I was given lithium, Prozac and something else to help me deal with my panic disorder. The first three days were amazing but I wonder now if I was just in shock. I couldn't feel anything. I was numb, and drugged up.
I didn't eat for probably about 36+ hours after my bf was arrested because I had become convinced that if I ate, something even worse would happen.
After the first few days I was able to move in with my bf at his parents house so that he could keep an eye on me, and everything got worse from there. The Prozac made me more anxious than usual and I was experiencing almost all of the possible side affects from both medications. The hydroxyzine did absolutely nothing even though it was supposed to help with the anxiety.
I hardly ate anything, maybe 500 calories a day, sometimes less. I was still too stressed out to eat and the medication affected my appetite. I shook really bad and could hardly hold anything. I was so wiped out that I hardly got out of bed.
Yesterday I went in to the urgent care again for what I thought was a uti that started 2 weeks before when I started the medication. I put it off for so long because I didn't want X's parents to take me in to the doctor. I had too much anxiety about it all so I put it off.
I found out that I don't have a uti, it was just a bad reaction to the lithium. Then further, the Prozac was also having an adverse affect and was making me more depressed and anxious. I got pulled off of both.
Now I'm still just a ball of anxiety.
But the good news is, X will be able to move in with me at my parent's house to save money for a while. That means I don't have to give up everything. He'll be spending Christmas with my family. That makes me happy. Now that I get to see him every day I don't feel so depressed or stressed out. He truly takes care of me. He's happy when I'm happy. He's my best friend.

When I was younger, I used to write in my diary about how there was some person out there, some person meant for me. I imagined this person was thinking the same thing, wondering about me somewhere. I have found that person. I've never felt like this before. I've been in love before, but I have never met a person who fit me so well. I'm really more of a pessimist, but I think there is a possibility we were made for each other. God that sounds cheesy but I mean it.
Do you think that's possible?


  1. It's absolutely possible... I'm so sorry you went through all of that, but I'm glad that you have X in your life. I wish I had someone to care for and about me so much.. It sounds like you have some attachment/abandonment issues too? I know how that is, I'm terrified of being left, but really, I have no one left to leave... just my wife.. who's now divorcing me because of my BPD :(

    I hope they find some meds for you that work, but don't give such awful side effects... Have you tried lorazepam? It's a low level benzo, I wouldn't take it daily, because of dependence issues, but it can work wonders in those huge moments of anxiety.


  2. hi there :) I just started reading your blog. I hope you don't mind me asking how you met your boyfriend, you two sound so lovely together ^.^