Sunday, September 13, 2015

Hey

Hey everyone. I know it's been a while.
My high weight got up to 210 pounds.
Right now I am 185.
I'm not coping here.

Last week I was in the hospital. I had a bad reaction to xanax I guess. I don't really remember waking up or my mom talking to me. I don't remember going to the er. I don't remember cutting. I don't know.
They put me in the mental hospital for a day or two. It was pretty scary. I remember all of that. The social worker threatened to put me in the state hospital for a year and force meds on me if I so much as scratched a self harm scab off. I don't know why she said all that. Maybe she didn't realize I have a panic disorder?

I have a boyfriend right now. We've been dating for three weeks. He's patient with my trust issues and he loves me even when I am self destructive and panicking.
I think I love him back.
But I can't shake the awful feeling, that just like all the others, he'll give up on me eventually.

We'll call him X for now.

X can feel that awful feeling here too. I call it a black hole. He calls it lots of things that make black hole seem nice. It's like this noticeable feeling of dread when you come up the driveway.

I'm so depressed lately. All I can think about is ways to self destruct and ways to die. It scares me a little bit. I think a large part of that is because I am convinced I will always be fat. I feel so sick, and impure. I feel disgusting. And there is no way to make that go away now.

I don't think I will act on these feelings but they are still there. And when I wander around, bored and listless, I am left alone with my thoughts. There are no distractions here, and no way to leave. I wish I could stop feeling so much. Or stop thinking. But I can't...

I keep looking back at pictures of me at 140 pounds and wonder how I got to this point.