Friday, July 17, 2015

Seems hopeless *depressing rant*

I'm having a really hard time right now. I live miles out of the nearest town which is tiny. By car it's over an hour to any city. I can't drive. No one will teach me to drive. No one will give me a ride. I have no friends here and have no way to make any.
I found out I can't go to college. No matter which way I look at it, I just can't get the funding. My parents refuse to help with anything (it's easier for them to just pretend I don't exist).
I'm terrified and I have no future.
I've been suicidal all my life up until now. I still think about it sometimes but there are so many things I want to do- if by some miracle I escape this place.
My dad scares me. He has violent outbursts and everyone here seems to think it's okay. The moment you slight him he threatens everything you hold dear. I can't call the police on him. He never actually hurts anyone or if he does it's an "accident". And everyone who knows my family thinks they are beyond perfect.
My dad is actually so good at pretending to be a "good" person, he's actually one of the leaders in the church ward here. And he actually believes it. I lost all respect for him the day he told me he believed Jesus would have treated me the same way that he did during my teenage years. I'm agnostic, but anyone who thinks that Jesus would be so cruel and hate filled is dead in my book, whether he exists or not.
I have no health insurance so I can't get happy pills, even if I weren't allergic to them.
And I'm sick. I'm really sick. The kind of sick that lasts over two years and makes me unable to do anything. Some days, I have to message my sisters to help me feed my pets because I literally don't have the energy. Like, passing out if I stand up too long sick.
I seem to be allergic to everything I eat. It's paralyzing pain if I eat the wrong food. I don't even know why. I just know that when I eat mostly fruits and veggies I can actually get out of bed that day.
I feel stuck.
Listless.
At times I feel completely hopeless.
What is there for me to do?
I literally will be stuck here forever. It's not an over generalization.
I knew when I came here that I would probably die here. I knew that it was a good possibility that I would be stranded here.
I'm tired of people telling me that I should just do this, or do that, as if I have any means to do anything. It's easy for them to think that everything will be okay because they have backups, and backups for their backups. They have friends and family to help them out. They are able to work without being so paralyzed by their own fears that they nearly die in the process.
I think it's hard for some people to realize, that sometimes there just aren't any options. Thousands of people die of hunger, die of sickness, die in poverty, and die suffering. Not everyone can have a happy ending.
I don't want that for myself, but it seems incredibly evident to me lately, that I might just be one of those people.
This post is depressing as fuck though...
Oh well. Read it or don't read it. I don't care.

PS. Did I mention my room and bed are infested with earwigs? Everything is covered in black mold including chunks of it in the shower- (it's no wonder I'm so sick right?!) The entryway to my room is covered in dog shit and piss because my dad couldn't bother to build them a dog house, and the bathroom are covered in little kid shit. It's just seems like every time I finally feel well enough to clean, I get a little bit done only to have it get ten times more disgusting before the day even ends...

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Tips and Tricks

I can't stop binge eating. I do well for maybe three days, lose about five pounds, then end up binge eating the fourth day and gaining five pounds back over night.
So I'm making this list.

Tips and Tricks:

  • If you feel like you are about to binge eat, drink a whole glass of water. If it doesn't make you feel sick enough to stop, at least you will fill up faster and maybe eat less.
  • Every time you think about eating, take a sip of water and do something else.
  • Things you could do instead- paint your nails, put on body butter, play around with make up
  • Make bracelets that remind you to stay on track and then wear an arm party so you can't ignore them.
  • Draw the weight number you want to get to and put it up somewhere where you will see it constantly. This will remind you of your goal.
  • Don't keep food in your room. Seriously, no snack stashes.
  • If you can, don't eat sugars. Some studies suggest that sugar is as addictive as cocaine.
  • Try and eat vegan. It's a good excuse to not eat pretty much anything.
  • Snack on veggies like carrots and celery.
  • When you have a free moment during the day, do 50 jumping jacks. The calories you burn will add up quickly.
  • Sip tea or coffee. The caffeine and warmth will make you less hungry and help with cravings. Black coffee and plain tea have almost no calories if any.
  • Clean your room. It burns extra calories and a messy room can make you more depressed i.e more binges.
  • The more you think about food, the more you will eat it. Distract yourself constantly with other things so you won't think about food as much.
  • Make a bucket list. Having dreams of a future can help with hopelessness.
  • Surround yourself with pictures of goals and dreams, and places you want to go. The more you see them, the harder you will work to make them come true.
  • Do some yoga to help yourself relax and tone.
  • Try on clothes that are too small for you and imagine/remember what it would be like to fit in them. This includes clothes you may have worn when you were smaller.
  • Build a virtual dream wardrobe that you will reward yourself with when you get there. Pinterest would be a good place for this.
  • Try to be positive, or just fake it until you make it. Allowing yourself to wallow in misery can just send you back into a bad cycle.
  • Try to not beat yourself up when you fail. Focusing too much on failure will usually just result in more depression, loss of self confidence and then- more failure. Don't start that cycle either.
  • Celebrate the little successes like not gaining weight, or going several days without a binge.
  • No cheat days. Cheat days always set you back.
  • Don't reward yourself with food. It just feeds the food obsessing.
  • Before you eat, try and be aware if you are hungry or not. If you aren't hungry, don't eat. Try and identify what feelings you are having that make you want to eat, and exercise instead.
  • Exercise can make you feel better long term. Food will only make you feel better for a moment.
  • Eat slowly, and take sips of water between bites.
  • Try to be aware when you are eating. Stop when you are almost full. Remember, it will take a while for the signals to actually reach your brain so by the time you feel full, you may end up feeling a little sick from eating too much.
  • Identify what your triggers for binge eating are and then try and cope with those triggers with something else, like exercise.
  • If you feel like you are about to binge, do 100 jumping jacks first. The exercise may help you calm down and will give you a shot of feel good hormones that you are looking for with food.
  • Try not to let yourself get bored. Boredom can be the biggest reason for binge eating. Instead, try and do something that you would normally enjoy, or contact a friend to talk. You probably won't try and binge while talking to someone.