I haven't been on this blog since I last posted six months ago.
I'm not sure why I am here now.
The girl who needed this blog in the first place seems like a stranger to me, but one thing remains constant- I still want to blog.
I guess this one single place has always been magical to me in one way or another, and it has always been my own place no matter where I am physically in the world. It's a sanctuary. A sort of home away from home.
I started this blog after becoming obsessed with the idea of Pro-Ana.
The appeal of Pro Ana is an unrealistic one and a dangerous one at that. Essentially the idea is that if you can 'learn' an eating disorder, you'll be able to lose weight quickly and look like a model in no time. Some actually manage to be anorexic, while others lose control and spiral into some other dark place like bulimia, binge eating disorder, self harm etc.
There are no short cuts. The faster you try to lose the weight, the more out of control you become. Every grasp at trying to get back on track pulls you farther and farther down until you feel like you are drowning. Then you tell yourself that you are a failure. You destroy yourself to try and reach an unattainable version of someone you were never meant to be.
Although I no longer wish to be underweight or unhealthy, the draw to be skinny is always going to be there for me. I will always feel the need to be little. I think that's okay.
The world isn't black and white. I can still want to be skinny without destroying myself in the process. I can still eat less without starving. I can still lose weight fast with some hard work and healthy eating habits. It doesn't have to be a race to destroy myself anymore.
Most people won't try and drag me down for doing what is best for me in a healthy way, and those who still want to can say it to my face. All I have to do is say that it is my life, and my choices. Everyone has that freedom. Another person's opinion cannot take that away.
So, while I am not exactly Pro Ana any longer, I decided I might want to come back to this blog after all. It's always been more of a journal anyways. Here is where I shared my life events, my disappointments, my hopes, and my goals. I think I will continue to do just that.
Feel free to comment. I look forward to hearing from everyone!