Wednesday, April 29, 2015

College?

I've decided to go to college.

I've lived at my parent's house for two months now and it has become clear to me that if I can't get out, it will literally be the end for me. It's the middle of nowhere and I can't drive. There is nothing within walking distance. There is no way to make friends, and I can't work the way I am.
I would have more opportunities homeless in a big city, or even in prison than I would here. It's horrifying.

Living here is like knowing that no matter how loud I scream, or how far I run, I will always be alone.

Every one of my friends who has ever visited in the past, have all said that it feels like a black hole. You walk in and immediately get a sense of dread, as if the whole world is about to come to an end. If they can feel it just from walking in, what is it doing to me long term?

I've come to the realization that these people are poisonous to me. They don't truly care for me.
Over the years whenever I spoke up about the true happenings behind those doors, I was met with a certain amount of disbelief among other things. People dared to write off my feelings and tell me I should be ashamed of myself for saying such things. They said I was ungrateful, that I was imagining things, and the worst one was, "They love you. They just want what's best for you."

Well I can tell you with certainty that that is not true. These people truly do not care for me.
Sometimes that actually does happen.

I've been desperately searching for a way out, like I always do when I end up here. I discovered in my medical papers, what may be a solution to the college problem.

This is what my problem is: I have several learning disorders that prevent me from taking on a full case load and can also cause me to fail out of classes taught verbally.

The medical papers provide me with adequate permission for extra help with college. This can mean a number of things like time and a half for testing, and special note taking devices. If I can somehow manage a full load, I can get financial aid after all, and that means having money for rent. I'd have to live in the city to even go to the college I picked. I don't think my parents would ever agree to take me to school even every other day if there was a school nearby.

Now my problem is again, my parents. Especially my mom. Turns out, you can't even get financial aid without your parents help if you are 21. The soonest I can go to college if I get all of the paperwork done asap is spring 2016.

It's more hurtful because my little sister is going at the same time as me. I asked her if she would like to share an apartment with me to save money and she's really excited about the idea. My mom is completely against it. She doesn't want my sister to live alone with me but won't say why other than the fact that she doesn't think we can get along.

I told my sister, "there will be at least one rule, though. No tantrums." My mom overheard and jumped in to defend her. My 18 year old sister still cries and screams and stomps when she is upset. She throws things occasionally and threatens to get violent. She cursed at me last time in front of little kids, and I will add- she is hardcore Mormon.

My mom defended her, "That's her version of a panic attack." She said it pointedly, as if because I had them too I couldn't say anything.

"I don't care," I said. "That behavior is unacceptable."

And honestly, if you are having a panic attack, you aren't screaming at other people and stomping around saying how life isn't fair and how you don't want to do your homework. If you are having a panic attack, you are curled in a ball in your bedroom hyperventilating and crying. A tantrum is not a panic attack. In fact, I am pretty sure there is nothing in the world that makes a tantrum okay, especially if you are 18.

My mom is worried that I will make my sister's life miserable, but unconcerned that my sister might make my life hell. I'm the one who has these panic attacks. I'm the one who couldn't finish high school because my anxiety was so bad.

I'm worried about how I will feed my animals and myself, and deal with my sister. Classes are already going to be super hard for me with my learning problems. I have a lot of things to worry about and half of that is how my parents are going to affect my life. If they decide I am not worth the effort, there will be nothing I can do to move on with my life. If I even get to go to college in the first place it will be a miracle.

I'm just tired of my mom's excuses. I'm tired of being last priority and never getting to the front of the list. I guess what I am most hurt by is my own mother's inability to love me. Everyone who has seen my family in person knows it's true.

I want her love but I need to let these people go before I start to drown again. I can't keep obsessing over why or how it happened this way. I'm ready to leave. I'm ready to leave these poisonous people behind. But I may not be able to. At the very least I am stuck here until next year.

I don't know how much longer I can watch as this messed up family fails me over and over again. It's difficult to trust or to have faith when everyone in my life has failed me, and everything has been a disappointment. I don't want to know how many times I can hit rock bottom. That could be endless.

So cross your fingers for me and wish me luck. I need something good to finally happen to me.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

First day of the rest of my...

I haven't been on this blog since I last posted six months ago.

I'm not sure why I am here now.

The girl who needed this blog in the first place seems like a stranger to me, but one thing remains constant- I still want to blog.

I guess this one single place has always been magical to me in one way or another, and it has always been my own place no matter where I am physically in the world. It's a sanctuary. A sort of home away from home.

I started this blog after becoming obsessed with the idea of Pro-Ana.
The appeal of Pro Ana is an unrealistic one and a dangerous one at that. Essentially the idea is that if you can 'learn' an eating disorder, you'll be able to lose weight quickly and look like a model in no time. Some actually manage to be anorexic, while others lose control and spiral into some other dark place like bulimia, binge eating disorder, self harm etc.

There are no short cuts. The faster you try to lose the weight, the more out of control you become. Every grasp at trying to get back on track pulls you farther and farther down until you feel like you are drowning. Then you tell yourself that you are a failure. You destroy yourself to try and reach an unattainable version of someone you were never meant to be.
Although I no longer wish to be underweight or unhealthy, the draw to be skinny is always going to be there for me. I will always feel the need to be little. I think that's okay.

The world isn't black and white. I can still want to be skinny without destroying myself in the process. I can still eat less without starving. I can still lose weight fast with some hard work and healthy eating habits. It doesn't have to be a race to destroy myself anymore.
Most people won't try and drag me down for doing what is best for me in a healthy way, and those who still want to can say it to my face. All I have to do is say that it is my life, and my choices. Everyone has that freedom. Another person's opinion cannot take that away.

So, while I am not exactly Pro Ana any longer, I decided I might want to come back to this blog after all. It's always been more of a journal anyways. Here is where I shared my life events, my disappointments, my hopes, and my goals. I think I will continue to do just that.

Feel free to comment. I look forward to hearing from everyone!