Monday, December 28, 2015

Holidays are almost over

Hey guys.
To answer some of the questions in the comments- I did try lorazepam for a while but it did nothing for me at all. I used to take five just to see if more would help and panic right through it for 8 hours straight.
Also, me and my bf met online which is weird. We kind of forget. When we finally met face to face we were both super tired because we both have insomnia and it was awful. The whole day. But I liked him and he liked me, and we probably saw each other the next day. Within a week we were dating and at around a week of that, he suggested half joking we go to Vegas and get married and I half jokingly said I would. We didn't lol. But it was fun joking about it.

To update about the meds I was on. I went to the Dr. for what I thought was a uti. It turned out to be a reaction to the lithium and I was pulled off of it. I had to deal with that pain for over a month before it finally went away. Also, the prozac did the same as the other SSRI's I was on (which are labelled as an allergy on my medical history due to two suicide attempts...) and I had several crying jags a day and wouldn't leave the bedroom unless I had to pee so bad I was going to wet the bed.

Lately I'm just not coping with how skinny my bf is. He doesn't eat enough. Every time I see him picking slowly at his food I feel as if I have to run into the bathroom right then and throw up every last disgusting bite of food I consumed. I feel disgusting. I snuggle him and can't get comfortable because his hips jut out so far. I don't even want to touch him lately. I am just so ashamed that I look this way and however much I hate myself for being so upset over his body, I can't banish the obsessive thoughts. I think it's worse to have an eating disorder and still be fat. Then you get nothing. People don't even acknowledge that you have one because you look more than healthy.
I think I used to cut one cut for every calorie over my limit I ate. I can't even cut anymore. I don't want him to know anything is wrong but he already knows there's something.
Being disabled is crushing.
Being so immersed in an obsession that you can't win, or fix, or get away from is crushing.
I'm drowning in all of the things I just can't do.
I still really struggle with feeling like it's not worth it, you know?
It's sad that I am squirreling away all of my leftover meds, even when I am actually happy, just in case I want a way out later on.
It's scary that secretly, my only real New Years Resolution is to be anorexic. I have starving periods but my binge disorder ultimately rules my life.
I start to think... there is nothing left for me here.

Sorry for the depressing post guys. It feels like that's all I am. There is no me, it's just this gaping black whole filled with all of my faults and afflictions.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Update

I guess I've been so preoccupied that I haven't been blogging.
I've had a terrible time lately but things are looking up.
Last time I posted, I was with my boyfriend for 3 weeks and now we've been together for 3 months. He's still amazing. I still wonder sometimes if he's real because he seems too good to be true.

Two weeks ago we were pulled over and my bf was arrested for driving on a suspended license. It was suspended because of a payment issue with one of his tickets. It's in my top scariest nights for sure. I had to wait in the cold as they towed his car and he was handcuffed and put into the back of a police vehicle. I wondered if I would ever get to see him again.
He had handed me his phone before getting out of the car and I could hear him asking the cops from the back of the police car to make sure I got home okay. They left me on the side of the road and I had to figure out how to get home. Luckily my dad's number hadn't changed and I was able to get a ride.
I then cried and panicked all night and all the next day, even after he got out. My mom took me in to urgent care where I was given lithium, Prozac and something else to help me deal with my panic disorder. The first three days were amazing but I wonder now if I was just in shock. I couldn't feel anything. I was numb, and drugged up.
I didn't eat for probably about 36+ hours after my bf was arrested because I had become convinced that if I ate, something even worse would happen.
After the first few days I was able to move in with my bf at his parents house so that he could keep an eye on me, and everything got worse from there. The Prozac made me more anxious than usual and I was experiencing almost all of the possible side affects from both medications. The hydroxyzine did absolutely nothing even though it was supposed to help with the anxiety.
I hardly ate anything, maybe 500 calories a day, sometimes less. I was still too stressed out to eat and the medication affected my appetite. I shook really bad and could hardly hold anything. I was so wiped out that I hardly got out of bed.
Yesterday I went in to the urgent care again for what I thought was a uti that started 2 weeks before when I started the medication. I put it off for so long because I didn't want X's parents to take me in to the doctor. I had too much anxiety about it all so I put it off.
I found out that I don't have a uti, it was just a bad reaction to the lithium. Then further, the Prozac was also having an adverse affect and was making me more depressed and anxious. I got pulled off of both.
Now I'm still just a ball of anxiety.
But the good news is, X will be able to move in with me at my parent's house to save money for a while. That means I don't have to give up everything. He'll be spending Christmas with my family. That makes me happy. Now that I get to see him every day I don't feel so depressed or stressed out. He truly takes care of me. He's happy when I'm happy. He's my best friend.

When I was younger, I used to write in my diary about how there was some person out there, some person meant for me. I imagined this person was thinking the same thing, wondering about me somewhere. I have found that person. I've never felt like this before. I've been in love before, but I have never met a person who fit me so well. I'm really more of a pessimist, but I think there is a possibility we were made for each other. God that sounds cheesy but I mean it.
Do you think that's possible?

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Hey

Hey everyone. I know it's been a while.
My high weight got up to 210 pounds.
Right now I am 185.
I'm not coping here.

Last week I was in the hospital. I had a bad reaction to xanax I guess. I don't really remember waking up or my mom talking to me. I don't remember going to the er. I don't remember cutting. I don't know.
They put me in the mental hospital for a day or two. It was pretty scary. I remember all of that. The social worker threatened to put me in the state hospital for a year and force meds on me if I so much as scratched a self harm scab off. I don't know why she said all that. Maybe she didn't realize I have a panic disorder?

I have a boyfriend right now. We've been dating for three weeks. He's patient with my trust issues and he loves me even when I am self destructive and panicking.
I think I love him back.
But I can't shake the awful feeling, that just like all the others, he'll give up on me eventually.

We'll call him X for now.

X can feel that awful feeling here too. I call it a black hole. He calls it lots of things that make black hole seem nice. It's like this noticeable feeling of dread when you come up the driveway.

I'm so depressed lately. All I can think about is ways to self destruct and ways to die. It scares me a little bit. I think a large part of that is because I am convinced I will always be fat. I feel so sick, and impure. I feel disgusting. And there is no way to make that go away now.

I don't think I will act on these feelings but they are still there. And when I wander around, bored and listless, I am left alone with my thoughts. There are no distractions here, and no way to leave. I wish I could stop feeling so much. Or stop thinking. But I can't...

I keep looking back at pictures of me at 140 pounds and wonder how I got to this point.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Seems hopeless *depressing rant*

I'm having a really hard time right now. I live miles out of the nearest town which is tiny. By car it's over an hour to any city. I can't drive. No one will teach me to drive. No one will give me a ride. I have no friends here and have no way to make any.
I found out I can't go to college. No matter which way I look at it, I just can't get the funding. My parents refuse to help with anything (it's easier for them to just pretend I don't exist).
I'm terrified and I have no future.
I've been suicidal all my life up until now. I still think about it sometimes but there are so many things I want to do- if by some miracle I escape this place.
My dad scares me. He has violent outbursts and everyone here seems to think it's okay. The moment you slight him he threatens everything you hold dear. I can't call the police on him. He never actually hurts anyone or if he does it's an "accident". And everyone who knows my family thinks they are beyond perfect.
My dad is actually so good at pretending to be a "good" person, he's actually one of the leaders in the church ward here. And he actually believes it. I lost all respect for him the day he told me he believed Jesus would have treated me the same way that he did during my teenage years. I'm agnostic, but anyone who thinks that Jesus would be so cruel and hate filled is dead in my book, whether he exists or not.
I have no health insurance so I can't get happy pills, even if I weren't allergic to them.
And I'm sick. I'm really sick. The kind of sick that lasts over two years and makes me unable to do anything. Some days, I have to message my sisters to help me feed my pets because I literally don't have the energy. Like, passing out if I stand up too long sick.
I seem to be allergic to everything I eat. It's paralyzing pain if I eat the wrong food. I don't even know why. I just know that when I eat mostly fruits and veggies I can actually get out of bed that day.
I feel stuck.
Listless.
At times I feel completely hopeless.
What is there for me to do?
I literally will be stuck here forever. It's not an over generalization.
I knew when I came here that I would probably die here. I knew that it was a good possibility that I would be stranded here.
I'm tired of people telling me that I should just do this, or do that, as if I have any means to do anything. It's easy for them to think that everything will be okay because they have backups, and backups for their backups. They have friends and family to help them out. They are able to work without being so paralyzed by their own fears that they nearly die in the process.
I think it's hard for some people to realize, that sometimes there just aren't any options. Thousands of people die of hunger, die of sickness, die in poverty, and die suffering. Not everyone can have a happy ending.
I don't want that for myself, but it seems incredibly evident to me lately, that I might just be one of those people.
This post is depressing as fuck though...
Oh well. Read it or don't read it. I don't care.

PS. Did I mention my room and bed are infested with earwigs? Everything is covered in black mold including chunks of it in the shower- (it's no wonder I'm so sick right?!) The entryway to my room is covered in dog shit and piss because my dad couldn't bother to build them a dog house, and the bathroom are covered in little kid shit. It's just seems like every time I finally feel well enough to clean, I get a little bit done only to have it get ten times more disgusting before the day even ends...

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Tips and Tricks

I can't stop binge eating. I do well for maybe three days, lose about five pounds, then end up binge eating the fourth day and gaining five pounds back over night.
So I'm making this list.

Tips and Tricks:

  • If you feel like you are about to binge eat, drink a whole glass of water. If it doesn't make you feel sick enough to stop, at least you will fill up faster and maybe eat less.
  • Every time you think about eating, take a sip of water and do something else.
  • Things you could do instead- paint your nails, put on body butter, play around with make up
  • Make bracelets that remind you to stay on track and then wear an arm party so you can't ignore them.
  • Draw the weight number you want to get to and put it up somewhere where you will see it constantly. This will remind you of your goal.
  • Don't keep food in your room. Seriously, no snack stashes.
  • If you can, don't eat sugars. Some studies suggest that sugar is as addictive as cocaine.
  • Try and eat vegan. It's a good excuse to not eat pretty much anything.
  • Snack on veggies like carrots and celery.
  • When you have a free moment during the day, do 50 jumping jacks. The calories you burn will add up quickly.
  • Sip tea or coffee. The caffeine and warmth will make you less hungry and help with cravings. Black coffee and plain tea have almost no calories if any.
  • Clean your room. It burns extra calories and a messy room can make you more depressed i.e more binges.
  • The more you think about food, the more you will eat it. Distract yourself constantly with other things so you won't think about food as much.
  • Make a bucket list. Having dreams of a future can help with hopelessness.
  • Surround yourself with pictures of goals and dreams, and places you want to go. The more you see them, the harder you will work to make them come true.
  • Do some yoga to help yourself relax and tone.
  • Try on clothes that are too small for you and imagine/remember what it would be like to fit in them. This includes clothes you may have worn when you were smaller.
  • Build a virtual dream wardrobe that you will reward yourself with when you get there. Pinterest would be a good place for this.
  • Try to be positive, or just fake it until you make it. Allowing yourself to wallow in misery can just send you back into a bad cycle.
  • Try to not beat yourself up when you fail. Focusing too much on failure will usually just result in more depression, loss of self confidence and then- more failure. Don't start that cycle either.
  • Celebrate the little successes like not gaining weight, or going several days without a binge.
  • No cheat days. Cheat days always set you back.
  • Don't reward yourself with food. It just feeds the food obsessing.
  • Before you eat, try and be aware if you are hungry or not. If you aren't hungry, don't eat. Try and identify what feelings you are having that make you want to eat, and exercise instead.
  • Exercise can make you feel better long term. Food will only make you feel better for a moment.
  • Eat slowly, and take sips of water between bites.
  • Try to be aware when you are eating. Stop when you are almost full. Remember, it will take a while for the signals to actually reach your brain so by the time you feel full, you may end up feeling a little sick from eating too much.
  • Identify what your triggers for binge eating are and then try and cope with those triggers with something else, like exercise.
  • If you feel like you are about to binge, do 100 jumping jacks first. The exercise may help you calm down and will give you a shot of feel good hormones that you are looking for with food.
  • Try not to let yourself get bored. Boredom can be the biggest reason for binge eating. Instead, try and do something that you would normally enjoy, or contact a friend to talk. You probably won't try and binge while talking to someone.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The Binge

She flips through image after image but they are all too familiar now. Nothing works anymore.
All of the pictures of skinny girls with thigh gaps and flat stomachs. All she can think about is how they aren't her.
She looks at that old picture of herself. The one from when she was skinny. She wasn't happy back then but at least she was beautiful.
She thinks about how long it would take to get back to that weight.
A sense of hopelessness overwhelms her, as she wonders if she will be like her mother. What if all she ever says is that she plans to lose weight, but thirty years from now hasn't lost a pound?
What if she is stuck like this? Forever?
She feels herself start to move as if controlled by an invisible puppeteer
It's as if she is helpless to stop herself. She pops some candy into her mouth and it tastes so good but she feels like she's dying.
"Stop!" She's screaming at herself on the inside. "Stop fucking eating!"
But she can't and she doesn't. The empty feeling she had been feeling moment earlier slowly dissipates, replaced by a sick feeling of dread.
"Please stop," she whispers to herself out loud. Tears start to run down her face.
It takes no longer than ten minutes for it to be over. Ten minutes that ruin everything.
When she finally gets a hold of herself she tosses the bag of candy into the trash and rips off her clothes. She's alone in her bedroom after all.
She stands in front of the mirror and just stares at the unrecognizable creature in front of her.
How did it get this far?
She used to be within the normal weight range and now she's fatter than she'd ever been. Even fatter than she was in high school. She'd even reached a new high weight.
"You're disgusting," she spat at her image.
She pinched her fat and grabbed handfuls of it, not believing that she could even do so for a moment.
Her legs rubbed together when she walked and she looked like she was pregnant or something. Everything was covered in stretch marks and cellulite.
She felt so much shame that she had to turn away. She's couldn't bear to see herself.
She grabbed her razors and started to cut. Angry, burning, red lines appeared on her arms and legs. She just felt so much hatred for her body, but mostly for herself. She was angry that she had let herself go, angry that she was all alone, and angry that she had just binged. She was a problem, one that she couldn't fix.
"If you really wanted to be skinny," she told herself, "You would be. No excuses. You would have stopped before you even started. If you were meant to be beautiful you would have had the strength to starve, the energy to exercise several hours every day. If you really wanted it... I'm pathetic. Worthless..."
She put some clothes on and went into the bathroom. No one was there to hear her anyways. After a few dry wretches she realized she had waited too long.
She realized all of a sudden that there was nothing that could fix what she just did. She already saw the number on the scale for the next morning.
She screamed. She cried. She smashed things she knew she would miss. And then she gave up, and went to bed.
She curled up under the covers and pulled her laptop towards her. And on her blog she typed.

Dear Ana,
Please save me from myself.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

College?

I've decided to go to college.

I've lived at my parent's house for two months now and it has become clear to me that if I can't get out, it will literally be the end for me. It's the middle of nowhere and I can't drive. There is nothing within walking distance. There is no way to make friends, and I can't work the way I am.
I would have more opportunities homeless in a big city, or even in prison than I would here. It's horrifying.

Living here is like knowing that no matter how loud I scream, or how far I run, I will always be alone.

Every one of my friends who has ever visited in the past, have all said that it feels like a black hole. You walk in and immediately get a sense of dread, as if the whole world is about to come to an end. If they can feel it just from walking in, what is it doing to me long term?

I've come to the realization that these people are poisonous to me. They don't truly care for me.
Over the years whenever I spoke up about the true happenings behind those doors, I was met with a certain amount of disbelief among other things. People dared to write off my feelings and tell me I should be ashamed of myself for saying such things. They said I was ungrateful, that I was imagining things, and the worst one was, "They love you. They just want what's best for you."

Well I can tell you with certainty that that is not true. These people truly do not care for me.
Sometimes that actually does happen.

I've been desperately searching for a way out, like I always do when I end up here. I discovered in my medical papers, what may be a solution to the college problem.

This is what my problem is: I have several learning disorders that prevent me from taking on a full case load and can also cause me to fail out of classes taught verbally.

The medical papers provide me with adequate permission for extra help with college. This can mean a number of things like time and a half for testing, and special note taking devices. If I can somehow manage a full load, I can get financial aid after all, and that means having money for rent. I'd have to live in the city to even go to the college I picked. I don't think my parents would ever agree to take me to school even every other day if there was a school nearby.

Now my problem is again, my parents. Especially my mom. Turns out, you can't even get financial aid without your parents help if you are 21. The soonest I can go to college if I get all of the paperwork done asap is spring 2016.

It's more hurtful because my little sister is going at the same time as me. I asked her if she would like to share an apartment with me to save money and she's really excited about the idea. My mom is completely against it. She doesn't want my sister to live alone with me but won't say why other than the fact that she doesn't think we can get along.

I told my sister, "there will be at least one rule, though. No tantrums." My mom overheard and jumped in to defend her. My 18 year old sister still cries and screams and stomps when she is upset. She throws things occasionally and threatens to get violent. She cursed at me last time in front of little kids, and I will add- she is hardcore Mormon.

My mom defended her, "That's her version of a panic attack." She said it pointedly, as if because I had them too I couldn't say anything.

"I don't care," I said. "That behavior is unacceptable."

And honestly, if you are having a panic attack, you aren't screaming at other people and stomping around saying how life isn't fair and how you don't want to do your homework. If you are having a panic attack, you are curled in a ball in your bedroom hyperventilating and crying. A tantrum is not a panic attack. In fact, I am pretty sure there is nothing in the world that makes a tantrum okay, especially if you are 18.

My mom is worried that I will make my sister's life miserable, but unconcerned that my sister might make my life hell. I'm the one who has these panic attacks. I'm the one who couldn't finish high school because my anxiety was so bad.

I'm worried about how I will feed my animals and myself, and deal with my sister. Classes are already going to be super hard for me with my learning problems. I have a lot of things to worry about and half of that is how my parents are going to affect my life. If they decide I am not worth the effort, there will be nothing I can do to move on with my life. If I even get to go to college in the first place it will be a miracle.

I'm just tired of my mom's excuses. I'm tired of being last priority and never getting to the front of the list. I guess what I am most hurt by is my own mother's inability to love me. Everyone who has seen my family in person knows it's true.

I want her love but I need to let these people go before I start to drown again. I can't keep obsessing over why or how it happened this way. I'm ready to leave. I'm ready to leave these poisonous people behind. But I may not be able to. At the very least I am stuck here until next year.

I don't know how much longer I can watch as this messed up family fails me over and over again. It's difficult to trust or to have faith when everyone in my life has failed me, and everything has been a disappointment. I don't want to know how many times I can hit rock bottom. That could be endless.

So cross your fingers for me and wish me luck. I need something good to finally happen to me.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

First day of the rest of my...

I haven't been on this blog since I last posted six months ago.

I'm not sure why I am here now.

The girl who needed this blog in the first place seems like a stranger to me, but one thing remains constant- I still want to blog.

I guess this one single place has always been magical to me in one way or another, and it has always been my own place no matter where I am physically in the world. It's a sanctuary. A sort of home away from home.

I started this blog after becoming obsessed with the idea of Pro-Ana.
The appeal of Pro Ana is an unrealistic one and a dangerous one at that. Essentially the idea is that if you can 'learn' an eating disorder, you'll be able to lose weight quickly and look like a model in no time. Some actually manage to be anorexic, while others lose control and spiral into some other dark place like bulimia, binge eating disorder, self harm etc.

There are no short cuts. The faster you try to lose the weight, the more out of control you become. Every grasp at trying to get back on track pulls you farther and farther down until you feel like you are drowning. Then you tell yourself that you are a failure. You destroy yourself to try and reach an unattainable version of someone you were never meant to be.
Although I no longer wish to be underweight or unhealthy, the draw to be skinny is always going to be there for me. I will always feel the need to be little. I think that's okay.

The world isn't black and white. I can still want to be skinny without destroying myself in the process. I can still eat less without starving. I can still lose weight fast with some hard work and healthy eating habits. It doesn't have to be a race to destroy myself anymore.
Most people won't try and drag me down for doing what is best for me in a healthy way, and those who still want to can say it to my face. All I have to do is say that it is my life, and my choices. Everyone has that freedom. Another person's opinion cannot take that away.

So, while I am not exactly Pro Ana any longer, I decided I might want to come back to this blog after all. It's always been more of a journal anyways. Here is where I shared my life events, my disappointments, my hopes, and my goals. I think I will continue to do just that.

Feel free to comment. I look forward to hearing from everyone!