Thursday, September 25, 2014

Ramblings of a fat girl

It's frustrating how long I have promised myself to lose weight and then done nothing. It's also frustrating when you go through one long, boring, miserable day and do well and the next day you find out you have gained. Or when you do well for a few days and gain it back without knowing what happened.
I hate counting calories. It's exhausting. Some of the food I have doesn't even have calories on the packaging. I only have $189 a month to spend on food and a good portion of that is spent on drinks. How is it possible that I am so overweight?
I can't exercise. I am agoraphobic now. Even the idea that someone might glance my way if I leave the house makes me panic before I even reach the door.
I don't have anything but pajama pants that fit me. They aren't even my own pajama pants. I stole them from my bf. I don't have friends or anywhere to go even if I weren't terrified to do so.
I'm always bored.
I like the idea of painting and drawing, but once I start I just become so uninspired it's pointless. I'm so tired all the time...

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the idea of buying something new. It sounds like the start of a new addiction to me. I just want to go on a giant shopping spree and be able to fit into size zero clothes, At this point, I would be ecstatic if I could even fit into a size 12 again. All my winter clothes are too small for me and I don't have the money for a coat or anything else. I wonder how I am going to get by...

It occurs to me that if I don't lose weight, the rest of the year is going to be near impossible for me. I want to be able to go to the store to get food for myself every few weeks without having a panic attack in the car about how many people are there.
I don't like the way I look. It's uncomfortable at best. It's like layering yourself with pillows and then trying to walk around without overheating or drawing unwanted attention to yourself. I'm not delusional though. I know no one is really watching me or anything like that. But I want them to. I want to be stared at, just not at this weight.

I miss my tights and little skirts. I miss how good I looked in the low 140's. Looking back at pictures of that, I realize that even that wasn't good enough for me. I can do better than that...
Sorry for the rambling.