Friday, September 12, 2014

Puppy

I was able to get a puppy. He is a little 8 week old lab. I am going to train him to be my service dog. So far, I am discouraged. I guess I was so focused on the final product of this endeavor that I never considered how tough the path was going to be while getting there.
The first night I came back with him, I was so tired and discouraged and worn out that I had several long, terrible panic attacks. I went into this extreme manic state where all I wanted to do was die. I was only trying to make things better and ended up making them worse.
V pretty much hates the puppy. The first few days he told me to get rid of him, even though he's the one who encouraged me to get the puppy in the first place. V is more emotional and erratic than I am I think. One moment he can do anything and the next he doesn't want to bother with life anymore. It's hard to avoid the idea that maybe he is mentally ill as well.
I'm exhausting myself physically and emotionally just trying to get through each day. The puppy isn't as much a bother anymore once I force myself to look at what he will become. V is a constant struggle though.
Lately I have been daydreaming about getting on disability and moving away. I constantly imagine a life for myself where I can be independent and date whoever I like without having to worry whether I am with them for the right reasons or not. I wonder if I would still be with V if I didn't have to depend on him for a home and so many other things. I wonder if maybe I am with him because of a sense of obligation. Whenever I imagine breaking up with him, I only feel guilty.
I don't want to be like this but I just keep obsessing over the idea of something better. I don't want to live this way. I need something more.

Short Story: Escaping Agoraphobia

She sits in the window sill, draped in the folds of her worn blankets, looking outside. The world is changing outside. She touches the glass, stares intently to the world outside, longingly taking in every detail. She presses her forehead against the glass, her eyes refusing to well up any longer. Her heart beats with such abandon and she slams the glass weakly with her fist, but nothing will change unless she makes things change, and she knows that. She falls back against the side of the window, her head rests to the side.
The front door opens and her boyfriend comes in. He slowly takes off his boots and his jacket. She turns to watch him but says nothing.
"You have to leave the house sometime," he tells her before leaving the room.
"I can't," she whispers to herself. "I can't leave."
When he wanders back in she finally speaks to him.
"I'm lonely," she says.
"That's your own fault. I can't stay in here day in and day out with you. I have a life. I have things to do. I'm not like you."
"Just stay with me for a little while. Please?"
"No," he yells at her. "I can't do this! I need to get out of here."
He storms out the door.
"Wait!" She climbs out of the window and follows him to the front door which slams in her face, and no matter how hard she tries, she can't make herself open the door. She hasn't left the house in months. She can't. She doesn't know how.
She hears the car start outside and then listens as it fades away into the distance.
He's gone.
She hears herself start to scream in frustration, then in despair. She pounds on the door but can't force herself to put her hand on the door knob. She starts to feel like an idiot. Her emotions overwhelm her until she feels that she can't hold still any longer. She flings the door open and steps outside.
The cold is like an awakening. The wind bites at her skin and snaps her hair around her face violently. She welcomes the feeling.
Her boyfriend is long gone, but the snow and the cold are inviting to her. Now that she is finally outside, she never wants to go back in. She is afraid that if she goes back now, she may never escape.
Her bare feet make prints in the snow only to be quickly covered. Her face burns and her fingers are numb, but she doesn't care.
She escapes into the storm and fades into the wall of white.