Friday, August 29, 2014

Financial aid came in for my bf and we have paid off the pet deposit and rent through January.
He's started school. I feel like he is already behind. Last semester he nearly flunked out. I know I am supposed to have faith in him, but within the first few days he waited until the last minute to do his homework because he "forgot". Then he didn't study for his quiz and got a terrible grade. I don't actually believe he can do this. I am a horrible girlfriend... I should have more faith in him but I don't.

I guess no matter what I am just waiting for it to all come crashing down. My life is good now. I expect something to go wrong at every moment to take that away from me.

He gave me money to buy a dog and I am heading to stay with Old Man and K on Sunday. It scares me to leave my bf for even a day, but I need a dog. My anxiety and stress is making me really sick. Anything that can lessen that even the smallest amount would be amazing.

I don't have the energy to clean and V doesn't have the time. He keeps trying to clean and only ends up making a bigger mess. I don't understand how someone can do that. We got shelves to organize but I wouldn't let him put anything on them last night as we were finishing up for the day. What he does is just shoves things all over the place on the shelves and then I can't find anything. I always end up asking him to organize it and then he just dumps it all over the floor, the bed, the tables, and my desk. Then I try and tell him how to put it on and he gets frustrated and just ends up shoving it back on the shelves the same way.

I am planning to get a puppy but at this rate, a puppy will choke on everything in the house and electrocute himself and chew through all the furniture. I planned the trip for Sunday and I am going to try and force myself to do it. I am terrified to leave the house and Stephen, so if I back out even once, it may never happen. I might be bringing K back with me though. She knows how to take charge and get things done so hopefully she will be able to help me clean everything and get things done. She also used to do my hair for me. Lately I have been letting V do it. Note of advice: don't let your bf help dye your hair.

If she can help me restore a little order to my life, I would be so grateful.

I think I might miss my bf's birthday though. It's next week. When I realized that, I asked V if he wanted me to reschedule but he said that he wants me to go anyways. He said that I need a dog and he wants me to be happy. If I'm happy, he's happy. But I feel awful that I am going to miss his birthday.

At this point there is so much happening, so fast, that I am just terrified every waking moment. I don't have panic attacks as much anymore because I explicitly avoid any situation where I have the slightest chance of being pushed into one. But now I have to face those situations to get a dog. Everything is so stressful to me.

Along with the anxiety comes the pain. My hands and feet constantly feel like they are burning. My back aches, my shoulders ache. My tummy hurts. And to top it off, I don't have any food available to me so my body keeps going into starvation mode and making me binge on all of these foods that make me even sicker.
I feel so busy and I am not even doing anything yet.

But dogs are supposed to help with stress and anxiety right?
I am going to try to train it to become a psychiatric service dog for me. I've read all the laws and have money for books. I will at least try and if that falls through then I will have a well trained companion dog.
That is my end game. I need to focus on my end game to get through this. End game... service dog...