Saturday, August 9, 2014

Back Again...

It feels like it's been forever but I knew eventually I would come back to this. I always come back.
I've gained a copious amount of weight. I won't even say how much right now.
But something clicked in me a few days ago and now I am terrified of being fat. I am terrified of eating. When my stomach starts to get painful and my head gets foggy and I know I have to eat, I panic.

I didn't eat for a full 24 hours a few days ago.
I didn't want to get left alone while my bf worked all day so I stayed the night at his friends. It was a bad idea and yet a good idea at the same time. It was a bad idea because the entire time I was inwardly panicking. The heat got to me. Every time I breathed I feared I would draw attention my way. The idea of making eye contact made me want to puke. I felt like I was suffocating. I was bored out of my mind which is one of my worst fears and I just sat and let that fear fill me up until I couldn't hold it in anymore but couldn't let it out. I was drowning in my own anxieties.
It was a good idea because I didn't have to be alone.
It was a bad idea because I had a chat with someone I now can't stop thinking about.
It was good and bad because it broke open the floodgates for everything. But I can't find my way back.
This friend of my bf's has captured my attention. I've been with my bf over a year now. How can this be happening?

But I feel trapped. I feel like I am finally able to let go of an impossible struggle. I can finally let go, but now I am in that dark place again.
This new guy... I don't know if he was just tired or what, but he treated me so nicely. I always do like the nice guys, don't I?
Everyone else was asleep and somehow I ended up divulging all of my darkest secrets to him and he would just look at me so intensely. He kept saying how sorry he was for everything I had gone through, and touching my hand so gently, and my cheek, asking permission first of course. His hands are bigger than mine. And it was so strange, I had thought that I just don't feel attraction but for the first time in my life, my heart was beating out of my chest and after that, every look he threw my way had me craving more and more. I don't know what's wrong with me.
He understood everything I was doing, with my relationship, with my life choices. He empowered me. Made me feel beautiful, made me feel precious, made me feel rare, and most of all, he made me feel for just a few moments, like maybe I wasn't really alone anymore.
We talked about how my bf and I have been fighting so much lately, and how I almost left him, how I don't want to be with him.
My bf has been so good to me. I couldn't bear to hurt him. I owe him so much. And yet, I can't leave even if I wanted to. I have nowhere to go. I have no one who cares enough to give me solace. I feel so intensely, burn so brightly, and it pushes me aimlessly around this world, this universe. I have a purpose but the longer I search for it the more life gets drawn out of me.
My mom told me she has no place for me there. I have no friends to help me out, no one to talk to. This new friend, he gave me his number, grabbed my phone and typed in his number himself, but I can't bring myself to message him. He intimidates me, makes me feel so crazy that I am afraid to act on my feelings. He offered me an out without actually giving me an out. After he went to bed, we barely exchanged a word since and he had a whole day to do so.
And my bf... I hate myself for feeling the way I do. I want my new friend to date someone else so I can be hurt enough to get over it, and yet I just want to scream, "Here I am!"
This new friend can't give me what I need. I know it's not all about money, but I feel like without such things, my quality of life would decline so drastically, I would be over. It would be the end of me. I am barely keeping it together as it is. My health is drastically declining, but maybe that's all in my head. I have no insurance anymore. What do you do when you run out of options?
So now, I am left empty. Hoping. Dreaming. Reaching.
But more than anything, I realize that I am on a path of destruction and can't get off of it.
I want to cut. I want to shred every part of my body. I want to starve. I want to go out and party. I want to get drunk and do drugs. I want to go all out and go crazy. I want to feel alive. I NEED to feel alive.
I want to go outside and never come back and let the world suck me in and let the people in this world know I am here. I want to squeeze every last drop of vitality from my body and waste it for a rush.
But I'm trapped in here. And I'm not getting out anytime soon.