Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Why would anyone want to read this?

My entire world is falling apart at the seams. When I realize that I literally have no more options I search frantically and only end up slowly destroying every good thing that I have ever had.
Am I bound to become one of the thousands of homeless people who sleep on the streets every night, trying to remain alive one more day while the rest of the world is oblivious?
I feel like I am screaming on the inside, it seems like nothing is holding me back from throwing everything in sight. All I want to do is take a knife and mutilate myself. I don't mean just cutting either. It's not even a craving anymore, it's like a cocaine addict staring down their poison. The only thing holding me back is the idea that if I fall into that pit again, I will be that disgusting, pathetic, desperate, and mentally ill girl once again. I am trying to hold onto my dignity but am not even sure I have that anymore. The idea of facing any one person in the world makes me cringe in shame. I have let everyone down and I can't bear to sink any lower. I am embarrassed to even be me.
At this point it would be a miracle to me to just gets some tranquilizers. I am finally at breaking point, again, just to re-realize that there is no breaking point and I can only sink lower into this chasm of despair.
When K came, the peace didn't last very long. I didn't realize it but I have grown to a point where I can say what I need to say and stand up for myself. I also have come to a point where I realized the so called friendship with K was never real.
I forgave her after she told everyone I was pregnant when I wasn't. I forgave her for trying to tell my parents the same to get me out. I forgave her for not letting me talk to her dad who could have helped me, the night I left the shelter to sleep in the park in the snow. I forgave her for telling my parents where I was, which resulted in me going back to a place where I preceded to attempt several suicides. This also was so that she didn't have to live with me, even though that was never her decision to make. She has done so much to me, and never for me, and always treated me like a child and controlled me as much as she could. This time, I let her have it.
She interfered with my relationship with my bf, telling me I was wrong, telling us what to do when she had not seen me or us for the entire relationship. I told her my relationship was none of her business. She then threw several mean and hateful comments my way, to which I replied, "Get out right now, or shut up."
I am tired of people hating me no matter what I do, even when it is none of their business, when they don't know me, and don't know the circumstances. I am also tired of fake people who only know how to judge.
I am tired of being in constant screaming arguments, when all I am trying to do is talk like an adult, and all V wants to do is tell me to leave. I am tired of being broken up with, only to hear an apology five minutes later. It doesn't matter how right I am, or how rational. I'm tired of always being the bad guy.
All I wanted was a moment to be upset because he was threatening my dog again. I am tired of the roller coaster, tired of being accused of things I don't do. I am tired of being told I am psychotic by someone who might actually be psychotic. I am tired of having my emotions played with. I am tired of being afraid.
I hardly leave my room anymore. What will I do when I actually have to leave?
I'm sorry for yet another depressing post. I am considering deleting this blog for good. If all I ever do is complain, why would anyone want to read this?

Friday, October 3, 2014

A little bit of Fall thinspo (And complaining...)

Ugh I asked a friend who lives 2 hours away to come and stay with me for a while to help me get some things under control and I didn't realize how much she would stress me out. She doesn't do anything but use our TV and tell me not to stay outside for too long during the night because she didn't feel I was safe at night here. Then she pushes food at me like crazy. She thinks 140 would be anorexic. What a fucking bitch...
She was bragging about how she had been at 160 pounds and that she knew what it was like to be skinny. *rolls eyes*
Anyways, I am having trouble sleeping during the night and so I haven't weighed in a few days but I know I gained weight. I think I may be over 200. I think it's my highest weight yet. Right now everything is just awful for me. I need to lose it all fast. I don't have much else going for me. I need to at least be able to fit into my winter clothes...