Friday, September 12, 2014

Puppy

I was able to get a puppy. He is a little 8 week old lab. I am going to train him to be my service dog. So far, I am discouraged. I guess I was so focused on the final product of this endeavor that I never considered how tough the path was going to be while getting there.
The first night I came back with him, I was so tired and discouraged and worn out that I had several long, terrible panic attacks. I went into this extreme manic state where all I wanted to do was die. I was only trying to make things better and ended up making them worse.
V pretty much hates the puppy. The first few days he told me to get rid of him, even though he's the one who encouraged me to get the puppy in the first place. V is more emotional and erratic than I am I think. One moment he can do anything and the next he doesn't want to bother with life anymore. It's hard to avoid the idea that maybe he is mentally ill as well.
I'm exhausting myself physically and emotionally just trying to get through each day. The puppy isn't as much a bother anymore once I force myself to look at what he will become. V is a constant struggle though.
Lately I have been daydreaming about getting on disability and moving away. I constantly imagine a life for myself where I can be independent and date whoever I like without having to worry whether I am with them for the right reasons or not. I wonder if I would still be with V if I didn't have to depend on him for a home and so many other things. I wonder if maybe I am with him because of a sense of obligation. Whenever I imagine breaking up with him, I only feel guilty.
I don't want to be like this but I just keep obsessing over the idea of something better. I don't want to live this way. I need something more.

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