Saturday, September 27, 2014

I want to leave

I want to leave. Leave my bf, leave this apartment, and leave this life.
It's my only fantasy right now. The only thing I think about. It fills every thought, every moment. I want a different life.
I find myself in a relationship of convenience. I have been dating for so long just to have a home, I don't even remember what it feels like to love anymore. Everything is decided by whether or not it will leave me homeless. I'm just like everybody else. I don't want to be alone. The only problem is, no matter how much time I spend with my bf, I am always alone anyways. I don't love him. I've known this for a while now, but have tried my hardest to deny it, even to myself. Even now, I realize that tomorrow I will wake up and try to go on living that lie. I will keep trying to convince myself that I love him. I will let him hurt me a million times over, but convince myself it's the best option, but the truth is that it's my only option. I want to have other options, but so far I am just lucky I have not fallen between the cracks.
I'm not sure any other option would be good enough either, if I had them.
My anxiety is worse than it ever has been. The idea of getting out of bed makes me panic, the idea of going to sleep, of eating, of breathing too loud, of saying the wrong thing when there is no one there, everything makes me panic. I am just barely getting through each moment. It used to be like I would look at what my future holds and see the same day happening every day, and it depressed me so bad I would panic. Now I am frozen. I can hardly see five minutes ahead, let alone what the next day will be like. I concentrate on trying to breath, trying to bear existence a little longer. Sometimes I am hardly getting from second to second, but I am paralyzed, unable to move unable to take action against what has become my life.
Medications never worked, and the thing about anxiety medication is that they don't actually treat anxiety. They are tranquilizers. I had some lorezepam I made to last this long. I panic through one mg and then two. One day I took five and still panicked for hours through that fog. Nothing holds the panic at bay. Some days I would love nothing more than to go to the Doctors and ask for something stronger, but I have no insurance and it's a task to even stand up anymore. I can't leave for anything.
Disability is a no go. There are no government programs for people in my situation. I can't leave for a shelter, I could never bear to go through that again. My family will not take me in, even if I were that desperate. Their home is a place of constant panic attacks and suicide attempts.
I want to leave, but I have no options.
I am forced to exist in a relationship, where my bf is two different people. One kind and promising, the other violent and terrifying. I am tired of being told to leave in arguments, and of being hated for my panic and anxiety. I am sick and in pain. My teeth are past repair and speaking is excruciating. I'm so paranoid of germs that my hands are bloody and raw from hand washing. I'm exhausted. I'm past hurt.
It's hard to comprehend that sometimes there are just no options left. Until it happens to you, you can't understand. If there were options for everyone, there would be no homelessness and no hunger. You grow up believing that everything will be okay, and then when you find out that it's not, your entire world falls apart. But the one thing I have learned from all of this, is that even when it seems like it's the end, life goes on. I guess I always just assumed that when horrible things happened, it would be the end, but it just turns out to be a hell you have to live in.
I say all this here because this is my escape. I've tried to express some of these things to people in my life, and for some reason, no one can come to except that it is possible for this to be my reality. They fire off solutions like it's easy to fix, easy to change. No one believes that it can't be okay until it isn't.

1 comment:

  1. You want a different life? Go get it! Break up with your BF, find a new apartment with the same bills, and leave your old life. Heck yes! Be badass and stop telling yourself that 'it's not that simple' when it fucking is. You're the only one who can save you, there's no superheroes here (I wish there were heroes that can save us from our own mind but that's just not how the boat floats :( I feel bad for your BF but when I think about it naw, not really. Breakup with him lol or don't... It's your life after all)