Wednesday, August 13, 2014

High Weight

I have a potential to be a great beauty queen. We all do. I'm just not there yet.

In a few weeks my bf goes back to school. We will still be living together but a majority of the time he will be gone or busy with classes, studying, and work. He rarely has enough time for me as it is, but now it's going to be worse. I almost didn't make it with him last semester, and even then he spent time with me and failed one of his classes, nearly failing the rest.

I am starting to evaluate if I really love him or not. I think if I do still love him, it is more a love of what he does for me. I am dependent on him for nearly everything and it's made breaking it off impossible. I don't have any place to go. I am stuck waiting for someone to offer me something better.

I stopped cutting, stopped starving, stopped so many things that made me feel good in an effort to be in a healthy relationship, but I guess it's not really healthy anyways. He may give me a place to live, buy me things I need, and take care of me in general, but there is one thing he just can't fulfill in me, and it's the thing I need the most.

I have gotten to the point where I want it all back. I want to cut again. I want that freedom back to do as I please. I am thinking of tattoos and piercings. I dyed my hair again. I was my natural color for so long. This time I am going white. I think that's what I have always been working towards. White with blue streaks.

I want to feel cold again. The nights have been chillier, and I have had the fan blowing it all in through my window. It's like crack to me for some reason. I looked out for only a moment and imagined I saw snow covering everything, but it's still summer.

I am 190 pounds right now. My high weight is now 195. I seem to have been able to lose those five pounds but the journey back to where I struggled when I regularly used this blog seems like an impossible task. My bottomless appetite has left me. I am horrified that I gained so much, so fast. It took a moment in the outside world with a guy who seemed interested in me, before reality finally slammed down. Never leaving the apartment made it way too easy to avoid a reality check. But I can't live this way anymore.

I have clothes I want to fit into. I have a life I imagine for myself. Nothing emotionally is okay anymore, so I once again feel the need to comfort myself in a fantasy. Being skinny makes me feel safe. Cutting makes me feel safe. It's something I can always go back to for comfort. My bf doesn't make me feel anything anymore, and more than anything, I need to FEEL.

I have my own room now. It can be my sanctuary if I let it. But I think it still needs some hard work. I never have the energy to unpack or organize or clean...

This stress is killing me. Money is stressing me out. My bf can't grow up. He also can't make me feel anything. My home is a mess. The guy I really want to be with can't be with me. The body I want is too far away. At least I have something to work towards.

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