Friday, August 29, 2014

Financial aid came in for my bf and we have paid off the pet deposit and rent through January.
He's started school. I feel like he is already behind. Last semester he nearly flunked out. I know I am supposed to have faith in him, but within the first few days he waited until the last minute to do his homework because he "forgot". Then he didn't study for his quiz and got a terrible grade. I don't actually believe he can do this. I am a horrible girlfriend... I should have more faith in him but I don't.

I guess no matter what I am just waiting for it to all come crashing down. My life is good now. I expect something to go wrong at every moment to take that away from me.

He gave me money to buy a dog and I am heading to stay with Old Man and K on Sunday. It scares me to leave my bf for even a day, but I need a dog. My anxiety and stress is making me really sick. Anything that can lessen that even the smallest amount would be amazing.

I don't have the energy to clean and V doesn't have the time. He keeps trying to clean and only ends up making a bigger mess. I don't understand how someone can do that. We got shelves to organize but I wouldn't let him put anything on them last night as we were finishing up for the day. What he does is just shoves things all over the place on the shelves and then I can't find anything. I always end up asking him to organize it and then he just dumps it all over the floor, the bed, the tables, and my desk. Then I try and tell him how to put it on and he gets frustrated and just ends up shoving it back on the shelves the same way.

I am planning to get a puppy but at this rate, a puppy will choke on everything in the house and electrocute himself and chew through all the furniture. I planned the trip for Sunday and I am going to try and force myself to do it. I am terrified to leave the house and Stephen, so if I back out even once, it may never happen. I might be bringing K back with me though. She knows how to take charge and get things done so hopefully she will be able to help me clean everything and get things done. She also used to do my hair for me. Lately I have been letting V do it. Note of advice: don't let your bf help dye your hair.

If she can help me restore a little order to my life, I would be so grateful.

I think I might miss my bf's birthday though. It's next week. When I realized that, I asked V if he wanted me to reschedule but he said that he wants me to go anyways. He said that I need a dog and he wants me to be happy. If I'm happy, he's happy. But I feel awful that I am going to miss his birthday.

At this point there is so much happening, so fast, that I am just terrified every waking moment. I don't have panic attacks as much anymore because I explicitly avoid any situation where I have the slightest chance of being pushed into one. But now I have to face those situations to get a dog. Everything is so stressful to me.

Along with the anxiety comes the pain. My hands and feet constantly feel like they are burning. My back aches, my shoulders ache. My tummy hurts. And to top it off, I don't have any food available to me so my body keeps going into starvation mode and making me binge on all of these foods that make me even sicker.
I feel so busy and I am not even doing anything yet.

But dogs are supposed to help with stress and anxiety right?
I am going to try to train it to become a psychiatric service dog for me. I've read all the laws and have money for books. I will at least try and if that falls through then I will have a well trained companion dog.
That is my end game. I need to focus on my end game to get through this. End game... service dog...

Monday, August 25, 2014

Hair Color Thoughts

I wonder what I am channeling all of this pain into. I don't even know. I don't cut anymore and haven't probably since last year. That is the longest I have ever gone without coping that way. I don't attempt suicide anymore. I don't take pain killers, or even the anxiety pills my Dr. gave me last year. I've dyed my hair but slowly changed the color over a two month period to make sure it didn't damage as much. No bright colors yet. Maybe I will post a picture of it when I am finished.
I have been thinking about art a lot more lately but haven't done any. I don't write, I don't paint or draw...

I WILL lose weight. Then I can look sexy with the new exotic hair colors.
White with blue streaks. Three different shades of blue. I realized it didn't encompass my dark side enough, so I am thinking of doing the under layers black. But, as of right now, I am only a girl with long yellowy blonde hair. I still have chubby cheeks and chubby everything else. I still can't find a metal I am not allergic to. I will be trying gold, but not until I have more money. That rules out piercings. Don't have money for tattoos either. Being poor takes all the fun out of life. :P

Now if I can just get my hands on some large canvases...

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Trying To Avoid A Binge

Trying to find something to do to avoid binge eating is impossible.
In theory I could come up with a million things but when it actually comes down to it...
For now I will just sip water and watch House. But I have a feeling it won't last long.

I might go to stay at that old apartment with Old Man and K in the next few weeks. They are going to help me find a dog when I go down to visit. K must still be tens of pounds skinnier than me. I don't know why it gets to me so badly but it does. Even Old Man has lost loads of weight. I can't stand to let everyone see me this way. I'm disgusting.

I feel like I am incapable of losing weight at this point. I've been saying I will lose weight for years. Sometimes I do lose weight, but I always gain it back. It doesn't matter whether I do it in a healthy way or not. It must be self sabotage or something.

Now would be a great time for scientists to come up with a magic pill to make us all skinny...

Friday, August 15, 2014

Disgust

I watched some documentaries today about Andy Warhol. Some of his more disturbing work has me feeling... a little disturbed.
The cat has puked everywhere for no apparent reason. I'm sick and can't clean and the bf just puts everything off. There are a few paper towels piled up on the puke and then it just sits there. His dirty clothes are piled everywhere.
My intense sense of smell has me flinching at every scent in the house. I can smell the dish soap on my dishes, taste it in the filtered water. Something is wrong with the pipes and the water is yellow. The food smells all wrong or too strong. Smells coming in from outside are car exhaust, smoke from nearby fires, the trash bins across the driveway, a dead skunk I think...
I can smell old food the bf didn't put away. I can smell when things are freezer burnt and the fridge keeps freezing everything on the top shelf and I can taste that as well. The dishes never get done. If I wandered into the kitchen I am sure I would find bowls or plates of half eaten food left to rot for days or weeks. The bf put off throwing out the trash, which he put frozen meat into the other day. Now it has melted and there is blood all over the floor.
I can't deal with it. It is so overwhelming to me. I am past the point of wanting to sanitize everything. I have just been waiting for it to go away. That's all I can do anymore. I don't have any energy. I think if it weren't so hot I could just sleep for days or weeks at a time.
What a crushing world. What a disgusting time and place for any human being to exist...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Cutting

Cutting.
We are told not to cut by people we hardly know. The people closest to us cannot know. Some of us don't have anyone. They tell us to ask someone for help when we feel like hurting ourselves, like it might significantly affect our health or kill us. When that moment comes that we need someone, anyone, the most, we cannot face them.
How do I tell someone that I can't cope from minute to minute? How do I let them know, that nothing they say or do will ever make me feel better? That every moment is pure agony?
The first time, it's all right. They will hug us, and pretend that everything will be okay just because they are there. It may even help the first several times, but eventually we reach another breaking moment. We are tired of being seen with tears streaming down our faces and makeup smudged under our eyes. We are tired of trying to tell the same story for the millionth time and not being understood. We are tired of trying to get by like normal people when we are everything but. We are tired of expectations to do better, to be better, and to be someone we are not.
They give us things to do to help us cope so that we don't turn to cutting. Take a walk. Hang out with friends. Even drawing in red marker as a substitute. It works, but it doesn't last long either. Some days we are so destroyed by our own emotions that it's all we can do to get out of bed. Some days, we are fighting to stay whole minute to minute, and our anxieties trap us in a temporary safety net. We fear that if we move, if we step outside, everything might come crashing down. The red marker is like a taunt to us. It's the same color but the resemblance stops there. The chemicals that our body releases when we are physically harmed won't respond to crayola. A marker won't hold back the rising emotions.
Some people misunderstand. They think that cutting will end up in suicide. Cutting is still coping, maybe not good coping but... Suicide is giving up. Even if a knife slipped and cut deep into our wrists, it's not likely we would die.
Some people say we cut for attention, and sometimes we do. Sometimes, we need someone to recognize the desperate cry for help, but we also need someone to realize that it's serious and that there is a right and wrong way to handle things. We are still proud underneath everything, and to be perceived as desperate can be the only thing holding us back from screaming out loud.
When all else fails, they offer medications. They offer mental hospitals. Everything is a means to an end. Everything, is a way to try and make us, like them. But the truth is we are different. We were made differently. Not broken, not damaged, just different. We are not something that needs to be fixed.
Because, the reality is, depression cannot be cured. Anxiety cannot be cured. Bipolar cannot be cured. All of these invisible disorders that we suffer from, are part of us for life
Some medications don't always work and most don't work long term. For some, like me, medication does more harm than good. A lot of us cannot hold a job and have no one to turn to, and therefore cannot afford medical help such as medications. Mental hospitals only cause extreme avoidance of asking for help. When we crave nothing more than to have some control in our lives, the last place to put us, is in a place where they will forcefully rip that very freedom from our grasp.
Every solution they offer us only seems to hurt us more. Each time we are given hope only to have it fall through is like a blow when we are already suffering.
After everything, after every possible solution has been exhausted, we are left hopeless and right back where we started. No matter where we go or what happens to us, the only constant is that we still have our bodies, and our bodies can always be hurt. Friendless, homeless, and hopeless, we are still left with one way to cope, and I took it.
Maybe this isn't true for everyone, but I know I am not the only one out there to feel this way.
This is why we cut.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

*You see that girl?*

High Weight

I have a potential to be a great beauty queen. We all do. I'm just not there yet.

In a few weeks my bf goes back to school. We will still be living together but a majority of the time he will be gone or busy with classes, studying, and work. He rarely has enough time for me as it is, but now it's going to be worse. I almost didn't make it with him last semester, and even then he spent time with me and failed one of his classes, nearly failing the rest.

I am starting to evaluate if I really love him or not. I think if I do still love him, it is more a love of what he does for me. I am dependent on him for nearly everything and it's made breaking it off impossible. I don't have any place to go. I am stuck waiting for someone to offer me something better.

I stopped cutting, stopped starving, stopped so many things that made me feel good in an effort to be in a healthy relationship, but I guess it's not really healthy anyways. He may give me a place to live, buy me things I need, and take care of me in general, but there is one thing he just can't fulfill in me, and it's the thing I need the most.

I have gotten to the point where I want it all back. I want to cut again. I want that freedom back to do as I please. I am thinking of tattoos and piercings. I dyed my hair again. I was my natural color for so long. This time I am going white. I think that's what I have always been working towards. White with blue streaks.

I want to feel cold again. The nights have been chillier, and I have had the fan blowing it all in through my window. It's like crack to me for some reason. I looked out for only a moment and imagined I saw snow covering everything, but it's still summer.

I am 190 pounds right now. My high weight is now 195. I seem to have been able to lose those five pounds but the journey back to where I struggled when I regularly used this blog seems like an impossible task. My bottomless appetite has left me. I am horrified that I gained so much, so fast. It took a moment in the outside world with a guy who seemed interested in me, before reality finally slammed down. Never leaving the apartment made it way too easy to avoid a reality check. But I can't live this way anymore.

I have clothes I want to fit into. I have a life I imagine for myself. Nothing emotionally is okay anymore, so I once again feel the need to comfort myself in a fantasy. Being skinny makes me feel safe. Cutting makes me feel safe. It's something I can always go back to for comfort. My bf doesn't make me feel anything anymore, and more than anything, I need to FEEL.

I have my own room now. It can be my sanctuary if I let it. But I think it still needs some hard work. I never have the energy to unpack or organize or clean...

This stress is killing me. Money is stressing me out. My bf can't grow up. He also can't make me feel anything. My home is a mess. The guy I really want to be with can't be with me. The body I want is too far away. At least I have something to work towards.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Back Again...

It feels like it's been forever but I knew eventually I would come back to this. I always come back.
I've gained a copious amount of weight. I won't even say how much right now.
But something clicked in me a few days ago and now I am terrified of being fat. I am terrified of eating. When my stomach starts to get painful and my head gets foggy and I know I have to eat, I panic.

I didn't eat for a full 24 hours a few days ago.
I didn't want to get left alone while my bf worked all day so I stayed the night at his friends. It was a bad idea and yet a good idea at the same time. It was a bad idea because the entire time I was inwardly panicking. The heat got to me. Every time I breathed I feared I would draw attention my way. The idea of making eye contact made me want to puke. I felt like I was suffocating. I was bored out of my mind which is one of my worst fears and I just sat and let that fear fill me up until I couldn't hold it in anymore but couldn't let it out. I was drowning in my own anxieties.
It was a good idea because I didn't have to be alone.
It was a bad idea because I had a chat with someone I now can't stop thinking about.
It was good and bad because it broke open the floodgates for everything. But I can't find my way back.
This friend of my bf's has captured my attention. I've been with my bf over a year now. How can this be happening?

But I feel trapped. I feel like I am finally able to let go of an impossible struggle. I can finally let go, but now I am in that dark place again.
This new guy... I don't know if he was just tired or what, but he treated me so nicely. I always do like the nice guys, don't I?
Everyone else was asleep and somehow I ended up divulging all of my darkest secrets to him and he would just look at me so intensely. He kept saying how sorry he was for everything I had gone through, and touching my hand so gently, and my cheek, asking permission first of course. His hands are bigger than mine. And it was so strange, I had thought that I just don't feel attraction but for the first time in my life, my heart was beating out of my chest and after that, every look he threw my way had me craving more and more. I don't know what's wrong with me.
He understood everything I was doing, with my relationship, with my life choices. He empowered me. Made me feel beautiful, made me feel precious, made me feel rare, and most of all, he made me feel for just a few moments, like maybe I wasn't really alone anymore.
We talked about how my bf and I have been fighting so much lately, and how I almost left him, how I don't want to be with him.
My bf has been so good to me. I couldn't bear to hurt him. I owe him so much. And yet, I can't leave even if I wanted to. I have nowhere to go. I have no one who cares enough to give me solace. I feel so intensely, burn so brightly, and it pushes me aimlessly around this world, this universe. I have a purpose but the longer I search for it the more life gets drawn out of me.
My mom told me she has no place for me there. I have no friends to help me out, no one to talk to. This new friend, he gave me his number, grabbed my phone and typed in his number himself, but I can't bring myself to message him. He intimidates me, makes me feel so crazy that I am afraid to act on my feelings. He offered me an out without actually giving me an out. After he went to bed, we barely exchanged a word since and he had a whole day to do so.
And my bf... I hate myself for feeling the way I do. I want my new friend to date someone else so I can be hurt enough to get over it, and yet I just want to scream, "Here I am!"
This new friend can't give me what I need. I know it's not all about money, but I feel like without such things, my quality of life would decline so drastically, I would be over. It would be the end of me. I am barely keeping it together as it is. My health is drastically declining, but maybe that's all in my head. I have no insurance anymore. What do you do when you run out of options?
So now, I am left empty. Hoping. Dreaming. Reaching.
But more than anything, I realize that I am on a path of destruction and can't get off of it.
I want to cut. I want to shred every part of my body. I want to starve. I want to go out and party. I want to get drunk and do drugs. I want to go all out and go crazy. I want to feel alive. I NEED to feel alive.
I want to go outside and never come back and let the world suck me in and let the people in this world know I am here. I want to squeeze every last drop of vitality from my body and waste it for a rush.
But I'm trapped in here. And I'm not getting out anytime soon.