I have been struggling with some things. I tried making a new blog and starting over, but the truth is, I have had this blog for so long that it feels like me and starting over new would be a betrayal. I can try and start over as many times as I want, but my past will never change, and I am who I am. My past has shaped me into who I am today and is so much a part of me that I shouldn't be trying to forget.
I have been different lately though. I have changed a lot for the better, and have moved on from a lot of my past. I can remember, as long as I don't hold onto old grudges and old griefs, and start trying to live a better life.
I got what I asked for. I have a special someone. I have a home. I have opportunities. I have hope. I have every reason to be grateful. I am happier than I have ever been. Now that I finally have all that I asked for, I need to start living in a way that honors that. Maybe God gave it to me, maybe it was just luck, but either way, I deserve to have a better life and now I must live for the life that I have been given.
I am inspired by the opportunities that I have before me. Although rooted in this town for three or four more years while V finishes college, I will have my own room, and my own home in just a few short months. Now we have a roommate, but when we move, it will be up to me to decorate. It will finally feel like home, and it will be just V and me.
I am inspired by the idea of summer for once. It's an opportunity to be outside, and bask in the sun. Although I am not usually partial to summer, this year I am finding that not much can hold me back. I have almost no summer wardrobe and can build a new one. I can lose weight and finally be tiny. I can get tons of new colors of nail polish along the way. I can dye my hair beach blond, or any other color. I have freedom of choice, and I can look any way I want. I want to look great.
At this time I am locked into our bedroom, and probably will be for a few more months. What locks me in is my own anxieties and fears. I don't want anyone to see me. I feel that even if I were to lose all this weight, I don't want to be remembered as 'the fat girl'. In spite of being an agoraphobic, I try and be as positive as possible. Stressing myself out only makes me eat more. Depression only drives me to binge and gain weight.
I am now about 173 pounds.
I do seem to have gained control of my eating though. I had a binge problem that I could not kick for the life of me. It's been on and off for several years now, and I want it to end for good. The last few weeks I have found myself eating better. I no longer binge. Just one day it shut off.
I have learned to eat only when I am hungry, which is a really hard thing to learn, and I have learned to take smaller bites, eat slower, and drink lots of water.
Instead of beating myself up all of the time, I have turned my destruction into creation, which for me is the key to everything. One day, instead of eating between meals, I decided to take care of myself a little bit. I shaped my nails and painted them, shaved my legs, put on lotions and creams, brushed my hair, and feeling better about myself, I no longer felt the unbearable urge to stuff my face with loads of things I didn't need.
I was at 176 and lost 5 pounds last week, I gained a few back, but lost a whole pound since yesterday, and am well on my way to reaching my goals. I am going to shed all of this weight this year. I am determined to reach 145 and then eventually, 120.
I feel like painting again. I will have empty walls at our new place to cover anyways. My latest creation is a bracelet made of beads. Some of the beads are made out of rolled paper that I colored on with markers. Summer and the idea of beaches has inspired me like nothing else.
It feels good to be back.