Saturday, March 29, 2014

Haute Pink

I reached my first five pound goal today. I have lost five pounds already!

I got myself a new nail polish as a reward.

I have never really had any pinks, or any warm colors at all so I am very excited, and I am very motivated to lose another ten pounds. I saw this gorgeous "Out At Sea" color that I very much want to get. It was the perfect summery shade of blue. I am really excited for things to warm up around here, I just hope I can start to look great before it passes me by.

I want so many colors, it is ridiculous. I want sunshine yellow, teal, coral, peach, orange, and some kind of pastel purple just to start off with. I never realized there were so many colors and so many shades of colors until I stood in front of that nail polish rack with the task of picking just one. I think I will also start to paint my toenails again. I haven't done that in years.

V is already promising to buy me a new pair of sandals, seeing as I haven't owned those in years either. I got one pair of sandals for my birthday years ago, but one of my sisters "borrowed" them without permission and left one of them in another state. That pair had been my first in years also.

My wardrobe is in a sad state of repair right now. I have no summer wardrobe whatsoever. I can always rebuild though- or should I say- build. You can't rebuild what was never built to begin with...
But everything is turning around for me! Everything will be alright in time.

I took a picture so that everyone can see my new nail polish. I am not sure my phone camera quite captures the color however, but maybe it can help motivate one of you anyways.

I hope everyone is doing fantastic right now!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I'm Back

I haven't been on for a little too long. I know. I apologize.
I have been struggling with some things. I tried making a new blog and starting over, but the truth is, I have had this blog for so long that it feels like me and starting over new would be a betrayal. I can try and start over as many times as I want, but my past will never change, and I am who I am. My past has shaped me into who I am today and is so much a part of me that I shouldn't be trying to forget.
I have been different lately though. I have changed a lot for the better, and have moved on from a lot of my past. I can remember, as long as I don't hold onto old grudges and old griefs, and start trying to live a better life.
I got what I asked for. I have a special someone. I have a home. I have opportunities. I have hope. I have every reason to be grateful. I am happier than I have ever been. Now that I finally have all that I asked for, I need to start living in a way that honors that. Maybe God gave it to me, maybe it was just luck, but either way, I deserve to have a better life and now I must live for the life that I have been given.
I am inspired by the opportunities that I have before me. Although rooted in this town for three or four more years while V finishes college, I will have my own room, and my own home in just a few short months. Now we have a roommate, but when we move, it will be up to me to decorate. It will finally feel like home, and it will be just V and me.
I am inspired by the idea of summer for once. It's an opportunity to be outside, and bask in the sun. Although I am not usually partial to summer, this year I am finding that not much can hold me back. I have almost no summer wardrobe and can build a new one. I can lose weight and finally be tiny. I can get tons of new colors of nail polish along the way. I can dye my hair beach blond, or any other color. I have freedom of choice, and I can look any way I want. I want to look great.
At this time I am locked into our bedroom, and probably will be for a few more months. What locks me in is my own anxieties and fears. I don't want anyone to see me. I feel that even if I were to lose all this weight, I don't want to be remembered as 'the fat girl'. In spite of being an agoraphobic, I try and be as positive as possible. Stressing myself out only makes me eat more. Depression only drives me to binge and gain weight.
I am now about 173 pounds.
I do seem to have gained control of my eating though. I had a binge problem that I could not kick for the life of me. It's been on and off for several years now, and I want it to end for good. The last few weeks I have found myself eating better. I no longer binge. Just one day it shut off.
I have learned to eat only when I am hungry, which is a really hard thing to learn, and I have learned to take smaller bites, eat slower, and drink lots of water.
Instead of beating myself up all of the time, I have turned my destruction into creation, which for me is the key to everything. One day, instead of eating between meals, I decided to take care of myself a little bit. I shaped my nails and painted them, shaved my legs, put on lotions and creams, brushed my hair, and feeling better about myself, I no longer felt the unbearable urge to stuff my face with loads of things I didn't need.
I was at 176 and lost 5 pounds last week, I gained a few back, but lost a whole pound since yesterday, and am well on my way to reaching my goals. I am going to shed all of this weight this year. I am determined to reach 145 and then eventually, 120.
I feel like painting again. I will have empty walls at our new place to cover anyways. My latest creation is a bracelet made of beads. Some of the beads are made out of rolled paper that I colored on with markers. Summer and the idea of beaches has inspired me like nothing else.

I hope maybe this can inspire everyone, even if only for a day.
It feels good to be back.