Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Why would anyone want to read this?

My entire world is falling apart at the seams. When I realize that I literally have no more options I search frantically and only end up slowly destroying every good thing that I have ever had.
Am I bound to become one of the thousands of homeless people who sleep on the streets every night, trying to remain alive one more day while the rest of the world is oblivious?
I feel like I am screaming on the inside, it seems like nothing is holding me back from throwing everything in sight. All I want to do is take a knife and mutilate myself. I don't mean just cutting either. It's not even a craving anymore, it's like a cocaine addict staring down their poison. The only thing holding me back is the idea that if I fall into that pit again, I will be that disgusting, pathetic, desperate, and mentally ill girl once again. I am trying to hold onto my dignity but am not even sure I have that anymore. The idea of facing any one person in the world makes me cringe in shame. I have let everyone down and I can't bear to sink any lower. I am embarrassed to even be me.
At this point it would be a miracle to me to just gets some tranquilizers. I am finally at breaking point, again, just to re-realize that there is no breaking point and I can only sink lower into this chasm of despair.
When K came, the peace didn't last very long. I didn't realize it but I have grown to a point where I can say what I need to say and stand up for myself. I also have come to a point where I realized the so called friendship with K was never real.
I forgave her after she told everyone I was pregnant when I wasn't. I forgave her for trying to tell my parents the same to get me out. I forgave her for not letting me talk to her dad who could have helped me, the night I left the shelter to sleep in the park in the snow. I forgave her for telling my parents where I was, which resulted in me going back to a place where I preceded to attempt several suicides. This also was so that she didn't have to live with me, even though that was never her decision to make. She has done so much to me, and never for me, and always treated me like a child and controlled me as much as she could. This time, I let her have it.
She interfered with my relationship with my bf, telling me I was wrong, telling us what to do when she had not seen me or us for the entire relationship. I told her my relationship was none of her business. She then threw several mean and hateful comments my way, to which I replied, "Get out right now, or shut up."
I am tired of people hating me no matter what I do, even when it is none of their business, when they don't know me, and don't know the circumstances. I am also tired of fake people who only know how to judge.
I am tired of being in constant screaming arguments, when all I am trying to do is talk like an adult, and all V wants to do is tell me to leave. I am tired of being broken up with, only to hear an apology five minutes later. It doesn't matter how right I am, or how rational. I'm tired of always being the bad guy.
All I wanted was a moment to be upset because he was threatening my dog again. I am tired of the roller coaster, tired of being accused of things I don't do. I am tired of being told I am psychotic by someone who might actually be psychotic. I am tired of having my emotions played with. I am tired of being afraid.
I hardly leave my room anymore. What will I do when I actually have to leave?
I'm sorry for yet another depressing post. I am considering deleting this blog for good. If all I ever do is complain, why would anyone want to read this?

Friday, October 3, 2014

A little bit of Fall thinspo (And complaining...)

Ugh I asked a friend who lives 2 hours away to come and stay with me for a while to help me get some things under control and I didn't realize how much she would stress me out. She doesn't do anything but use our TV and tell me not to stay outside for too long during the night because she didn't feel I was safe at night here. Then she pushes food at me like crazy. She thinks 140 would be anorexic. What a fucking bitch...
She was bragging about how she had been at 160 pounds and that she knew what it was like to be skinny. *rolls eyes*
Anyways, I am having trouble sleeping during the night and so I haven't weighed in a few days but I know I gained weight. I think I may be over 200. I think it's my highest weight yet. Right now everything is just awful for me. I need to lose it all fast. I don't have much else going for me. I need to at least be able to fit into my winter clothes...
Sigh.
Motivation:











Sunday, September 28, 2014

In the last two days I lost a pound which doesn't sound like much but it's a start. I binge ate this morning when I woke up but haven't eaten anything since. I also got so fed up with my bf that I was able to force myself to leave the house. It was dark out already so no one was around. I feel safer that way. I walked for a while and then I texted a few friends, who may or may not be able to help me find a way out. The moment I get an opportunity to leave in which I don't have to sacrifice everything, I will take it.
I have to leave. i can't live here anymore.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Inspiration

Staying motivated is the worst thing for me. When I started on this blog, everything was so new, it wasn't hard to continuously find something to inspire myself with. Now it's like I've seen it all. Nothing really hits me anymore. I want to be blown away again but I'm numb to it all. There are some pictures that I like to look at that remind me why I am trying to lose weight.

My goal is too lose a shit load of weight by the end of the year. I just can't go through one more winter, or one more Christmas being overweight. I am cutting back on food, trying to limit binge eating, and waiting until I am hungry to go to bed.

I will post pictures when I get there, I promise. And I WILL get there. Soon.
I can't let myself or my viewers down any longer. I will prove to everyone that it is possible.






I want to leave

I want to leave. Leave my bf, leave this apartment, and leave this life.
It's my only fantasy right now. The only thing I think about. It fills every thought, every moment. I want a different life.
I find myself in a relationship of convenience. I have been dating for so long just to have a home, I don't even remember what it feels like to love anymore. Everything is decided by whether or not it will leave me homeless. I'm just like everybody else. I don't want to be alone. The only problem is, no matter how much time I spend with my bf, I am always alone anyways. I don't love him. I've known this for a while now, but have tried my hardest to deny it, even to myself. Even now, I realize that tomorrow I will wake up and try to go on living that lie. I will keep trying to convince myself that I love him. I will let him hurt me a million times over, but convince myself it's the best option, but the truth is that it's my only option. I want to have other options, but so far I am just lucky I have not fallen between the cracks.
I'm not sure any other option would be good enough either, if I had them.
My anxiety is worse than it ever has been. The idea of getting out of bed makes me panic, the idea of going to sleep, of eating, of breathing too loud, of saying the wrong thing when there is no one there, everything makes me panic. I am just barely getting through each moment. It used to be like I would look at what my future holds and see the same day happening every day, and it depressed me so bad I would panic. Now I am frozen. I can hardly see five minutes ahead, let alone what the next day will be like. I concentrate on trying to breath, trying to bear existence a little longer. Sometimes I am hardly getting from second to second, but I am paralyzed, unable to move unable to take action against what has become my life.
Medications never worked, and the thing about anxiety medication is that they don't actually treat anxiety. They are tranquilizers. I had some lorezepam I made to last this long. I panic through one mg and then two. One day I took five and still panicked for hours through that fog. Nothing holds the panic at bay. Some days I would love nothing more than to go to the Doctors and ask for something stronger, but I have no insurance and it's a task to even stand up anymore. I can't leave for anything.
Disability is a no go. There are no government programs for people in my situation. I can't leave for a shelter, I could never bear to go through that again. My family will not take me in, even if I were that desperate. Their home is a place of constant panic attacks and suicide attempts.
I want to leave, but I have no options.
I am forced to exist in a relationship, where my bf is two different people. One kind and promising, the other violent and terrifying. I am tired of being told to leave in arguments, and of being hated for my panic and anxiety. I am sick and in pain. My teeth are past repair and speaking is excruciating. I'm so paranoid of germs that my hands are bloody and raw from hand washing. I'm exhausted. I'm past hurt.
It's hard to comprehend that sometimes there are just no options left. Until it happens to you, you can't understand. If there were options for everyone, there would be no homelessness and no hunger. You grow up believing that everything will be okay, and then when you find out that it's not, your entire world falls apart. But the one thing I have learned from all of this, is that even when it seems like it's the end, life goes on. I guess I always just assumed that when horrible things happened, it would be the end, but it just turns out to be a hell you have to live in.
I say all this here because this is my escape. I've tried to express some of these things to people in my life, and for some reason, no one can come to except that it is possible for this to be my reality. They fire off solutions like it's easy to fix, easy to change. No one believes that it can't be okay until it isn't.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Ramblings of a fat girl

It's frustrating how long I have promised myself to lose weight and then done nothing. It's also frustrating when you go through one long, boring, miserable day and do well and the next day you find out you have gained. Or when you do well for a few days and gain it back without knowing what happened.
I hate counting calories. It's exhausting. Some of the food I have doesn't even have calories on the packaging. I only have $189 a month to spend on food and a good portion of that is spent on drinks. How is it possible that I am so overweight?
I can't exercise. I am agoraphobic now. Even the idea that someone might glance my way if I leave the house makes me panic before I even reach the door.
I don't have anything but pajama pants that fit me. They aren't even my own pajama pants. I stole them from my bf. I don't have friends or anywhere to go even if I weren't terrified to do so.
I'm always bored.
I like the idea of painting and drawing, but once I start I just become so uninspired it's pointless. I'm so tired all the time...

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the idea of buying something new. It sounds like the start of a new addiction to me. I just want to go on a giant shopping spree and be able to fit into size zero clothes, At this point, I would be ecstatic if I could even fit into a size 12 again. All my winter clothes are too small for me and I don't have the money for a coat or anything else. I wonder how I am going to get by...

It occurs to me that if I don't lose weight, the rest of the year is going to be near impossible for me. I want to be able to go to the store to get food for myself every few weeks without having a panic attack in the car about how many people are there.
I don't like the way I look. It's uncomfortable at best. It's like layering yourself with pillows and then trying to walk around without overheating or drawing unwanted attention to yourself. I'm not delusional though. I know no one is really watching me or anything like that. But I want them to. I want to be stared at, just not at this weight.

I miss my tights and little skirts. I miss how good I looked in the low 140's. Looking back at pictures of that, I realize that even that wasn't good enough for me. I can do better than that...
Sorry for the rambling.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Puppy

I was able to get a puppy. He is a little 8 week old lab. I am going to train him to be my service dog. So far, I am discouraged. I guess I was so focused on the final product of this endeavor that I never considered how tough the path was going to be while getting there.
The first night I came back with him, I was so tired and discouraged and worn out that I had several long, terrible panic attacks. I went into this extreme manic state where all I wanted to do was die. I was only trying to make things better and ended up making them worse.
V pretty much hates the puppy. The first few days he told me to get rid of him, even though he's the one who encouraged me to get the puppy in the first place. V is more emotional and erratic than I am I think. One moment he can do anything and the next he doesn't want to bother with life anymore. It's hard to avoid the idea that maybe he is mentally ill as well.
I'm exhausting myself physically and emotionally just trying to get through each day. The puppy isn't as much a bother anymore once I force myself to look at what he will become. V is a constant struggle though.
Lately I have been daydreaming about getting on disability and moving away. I constantly imagine a life for myself where I can be independent and date whoever I like without having to worry whether I am with them for the right reasons or not. I wonder if I would still be with V if I didn't have to depend on him for a home and so many other things. I wonder if maybe I am with him because of a sense of obligation. Whenever I imagine breaking up with him, I only feel guilty.
I don't want to be like this but I just keep obsessing over the idea of something better. I don't want to live this way. I need something more.

Short Story: Escaping Agoraphobia

She sits in the window sill, draped in the folds of her worn blankets, looking outside. The world is changing outside. She touches the glass, stares intently to the world outside, longingly taking in every detail. She presses her forehead against the glass, her eyes refusing to well up any longer. Her heart beats with such abandon and she slams the glass weakly with her fist, but nothing will change unless she makes things change, and she knows that. She falls back against the side of the window, her head rests to the side.
The front door opens and her boyfriend comes in. He slowly takes off his boots and his jacket. She turns to watch him but says nothing.
"You have to leave the house sometime," he tells her before leaving the room.
"I can't," she whispers to herself. "I can't leave."
When he wanders back in she finally speaks to him.
"I'm lonely," she says.
"That's your own fault. I can't stay in here day in and day out with you. I have a life. I have things to do. I'm not like you."
"Just stay with me for a little while. Please?"
"No," he yells at her. "I can't do this! I need to get out of here."
He storms out the door.
"Wait!" She climbs out of the window and follows him to the front door which slams in her face, and no matter how hard she tries, she can't make herself open the door. She hasn't left the house in months. She can't. She doesn't know how.
She hears the car start outside and then listens as it fades away into the distance.
He's gone.
She hears herself start to scream in frustration, then in despair. She pounds on the door but can't force herself to put her hand on the door knob. She starts to feel like an idiot. Her emotions overwhelm her until she feels that she can't hold still any longer. She flings the door open and steps outside.
The cold is like an awakening. The wind bites at her skin and snaps her hair around her face violently. She welcomes the feeling.
Her boyfriend is long gone, but the snow and the cold are inviting to her. Now that she is finally outside, she never wants to go back in. She is afraid that if she goes back now, she may never escape.
Her bare feet make prints in the snow only to be quickly covered. Her face burns and her fingers are numb, but she doesn't care.
She escapes into the storm and fades into the wall of white.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Financial aid came in for my bf and we have paid off the pet deposit and rent through January.
He's started school. I feel like he is already behind. Last semester he nearly flunked out. I know I am supposed to have faith in him, but within the first few days he waited until the last minute to do his homework because he "forgot". Then he didn't study for his quiz and got a terrible grade. I don't actually believe he can do this. I am a horrible girlfriend... I should have more faith in him but I don't.

I guess no matter what I am just waiting for it to all come crashing down. My life is good now. I expect something to go wrong at every moment to take that away from me.

He gave me money to buy a dog and I am heading to stay with Old Man and K on Sunday. It scares me to leave my bf for even a day, but I need a dog. My anxiety and stress is making me really sick. Anything that can lessen that even the smallest amount would be amazing.

I don't have the energy to clean and V doesn't have the time. He keeps trying to clean and only ends up making a bigger mess. I don't understand how someone can do that. We got shelves to organize but I wouldn't let him put anything on them last night as we were finishing up for the day. What he does is just shoves things all over the place on the shelves and then I can't find anything. I always end up asking him to organize it and then he just dumps it all over the floor, the bed, the tables, and my desk. Then I try and tell him how to put it on and he gets frustrated and just ends up shoving it back on the shelves the same way.

I am planning to get a puppy but at this rate, a puppy will choke on everything in the house and electrocute himself and chew through all the furniture. I planned the trip for Sunday and I am going to try and force myself to do it. I am terrified to leave the house and Stephen, so if I back out even once, it may never happen. I might be bringing K back with me though. She knows how to take charge and get things done so hopefully she will be able to help me clean everything and get things done. She also used to do my hair for me. Lately I have been letting V do it. Note of advice: don't let your bf help dye your hair.

If she can help me restore a little order to my life, I would be so grateful.

I think I might miss my bf's birthday though. It's next week. When I realized that, I asked V if he wanted me to reschedule but he said that he wants me to go anyways. He said that I need a dog and he wants me to be happy. If I'm happy, he's happy. But I feel awful that I am going to miss his birthday.

At this point there is so much happening, so fast, that I am just terrified every waking moment. I don't have panic attacks as much anymore because I explicitly avoid any situation where I have the slightest chance of being pushed into one. But now I have to face those situations to get a dog. Everything is so stressful to me.

Along with the anxiety comes the pain. My hands and feet constantly feel like they are burning. My back aches, my shoulders ache. My tummy hurts. And to top it off, I don't have any food available to me so my body keeps going into starvation mode and making me binge on all of these foods that make me even sicker.
I feel so busy and I am not even doing anything yet.

But dogs are supposed to help with stress and anxiety right?
I am going to try to train it to become a psychiatric service dog for me. I've read all the laws and have money for books. I will at least try and if that falls through then I will have a well trained companion dog.
That is my end game. I need to focus on my end game to get through this. End game... service dog...

Monday, August 25, 2014

Hair Color Thoughts

I wonder what I am channeling all of this pain into. I don't even know. I don't cut anymore and haven't probably since last year. That is the longest I have ever gone without coping that way. I don't attempt suicide anymore. I don't take pain killers, or even the anxiety pills my Dr. gave me last year. I've dyed my hair but slowly changed the color over a two month period to make sure it didn't damage as much. No bright colors yet. Maybe I will post a picture of it when I am finished.
I have been thinking about art a lot more lately but haven't done any. I don't write, I don't paint or draw...

I WILL lose weight. Then I can look sexy with the new exotic hair colors.
White with blue streaks. Three different shades of blue. I realized it didn't encompass my dark side enough, so I am thinking of doing the under layers black. But, as of right now, I am only a girl with long yellowy blonde hair. I still have chubby cheeks and chubby everything else. I still can't find a metal I am not allergic to. I will be trying gold, but not until I have more money. That rules out piercings. Don't have money for tattoos either. Being poor takes all the fun out of life. :P

Now if I can just get my hands on some large canvases...

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Trying To Avoid A Binge

Trying to find something to do to avoid binge eating is impossible.
In theory I could come up with a million things but when it actually comes down to it...
For now I will just sip water and watch House. But I have a feeling it won't last long.

I might go to stay at that old apartment with Old Man and K in the next few weeks. They are going to help me find a dog when I go down to visit. K must still be tens of pounds skinnier than me. I don't know why it gets to me so badly but it does. Even Old Man has lost loads of weight. I can't stand to let everyone see me this way. I'm disgusting.

I feel like I am incapable of losing weight at this point. I've been saying I will lose weight for years. Sometimes I do lose weight, but I always gain it back. It doesn't matter whether I do it in a healthy way or not. It must be self sabotage or something.

Now would be a great time for scientists to come up with a magic pill to make us all skinny...

Friday, August 15, 2014

Disgust

I watched some documentaries today about Andy Warhol. Some of his more disturbing work has me feeling... a little disturbed.
The cat has puked everywhere for no apparent reason. I'm sick and can't clean and the bf just puts everything off. There are a few paper towels piled up on the puke and then it just sits there. His dirty clothes are piled everywhere.
My intense sense of smell has me flinching at every scent in the house. I can smell the dish soap on my dishes, taste it in the filtered water. Something is wrong with the pipes and the water is yellow. The food smells all wrong or too strong. Smells coming in from outside are car exhaust, smoke from nearby fires, the trash bins across the driveway, a dead skunk I think...
I can smell old food the bf didn't put away. I can smell when things are freezer burnt and the fridge keeps freezing everything on the top shelf and I can taste that as well. The dishes never get done. If I wandered into the kitchen I am sure I would find bowls or plates of half eaten food left to rot for days or weeks. The bf put off throwing out the trash, which he put frozen meat into the other day. Now it has melted and there is blood all over the floor.
I can't deal with it. It is so overwhelming to me. I am past the point of wanting to sanitize everything. I have just been waiting for it to go away. That's all I can do anymore. I don't have any energy. I think if it weren't so hot I could just sleep for days or weeks at a time.
What a crushing world. What a disgusting time and place for any human being to exist...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Cutting

Cutting.
We are told not to cut by people we hardly know. The people closest to us cannot know. Some of us don't have anyone. They tell us to ask someone for help when we feel like hurting ourselves, like it might significantly affect our health or kill us. When that moment comes that we need someone, anyone, the most, we cannot face them.
How do I tell someone that I can't cope from minute to minute? How do I let them know, that nothing they say or do will ever make me feel better? That every moment is pure agony?
The first time, it's all right. They will hug us, and pretend that everything will be okay just because they are there. It may even help the first several times, but eventually we reach another breaking moment. We are tired of being seen with tears streaming down our faces and makeup smudged under our eyes. We are tired of trying to tell the same story for the millionth time and not being understood. We are tired of trying to get by like normal people when we are everything but. We are tired of expectations to do better, to be better, and to be someone we are not.
They give us things to do to help us cope so that we don't turn to cutting. Take a walk. Hang out with friends. Even drawing in red marker as a substitute. It works, but it doesn't last long either. Some days we are so destroyed by our own emotions that it's all we can do to get out of bed. Some days, we are fighting to stay whole minute to minute, and our anxieties trap us in a temporary safety net. We fear that if we move, if we step outside, everything might come crashing down. The red marker is like a taunt to us. It's the same color but the resemblance stops there. The chemicals that our body releases when we are physically harmed won't respond to crayola. A marker won't hold back the rising emotions.
Some people misunderstand. They think that cutting will end up in suicide. Cutting is still coping, maybe not good coping but... Suicide is giving up. Even if a knife slipped and cut deep into our wrists, it's not likely we would die.
Some people say we cut for attention, and sometimes we do. Sometimes, we need someone to recognize the desperate cry for help, but we also need someone to realize that it's serious and that there is a right and wrong way to handle things. We are still proud underneath everything, and to be perceived as desperate can be the only thing holding us back from screaming out loud.
When all else fails, they offer medications. They offer mental hospitals. Everything is a means to an end. Everything, is a way to try and make us, like them. But the truth is we are different. We were made differently. Not broken, not damaged, just different. We are not something that needs to be fixed.
Because, the reality is, depression cannot be cured. Anxiety cannot be cured. Bipolar cannot be cured. All of these invisible disorders that we suffer from, are part of us for life
Some medications don't always work and most don't work long term. For some, like me, medication does more harm than good. A lot of us cannot hold a job and have no one to turn to, and therefore cannot afford medical help such as medications. Mental hospitals only cause extreme avoidance of asking for help. When we crave nothing more than to have some control in our lives, the last place to put us, is in a place where they will forcefully rip that very freedom from our grasp.
Every solution they offer us only seems to hurt us more. Each time we are given hope only to have it fall through is like a blow when we are already suffering.
After everything, after every possible solution has been exhausted, we are left hopeless and right back where we started. No matter where we go or what happens to us, the only constant is that we still have our bodies, and our bodies can always be hurt. Friendless, homeless, and hopeless, we are still left with one way to cope, and I took it.
Maybe this isn't true for everyone, but I know I am not the only one out there to feel this way.
This is why we cut.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

*You see that girl?*

High Weight

I have a potential to be a great beauty queen. We all do. I'm just not there yet.

In a few weeks my bf goes back to school. We will still be living together but a majority of the time he will be gone or busy with classes, studying, and work. He rarely has enough time for me as it is, but now it's going to be worse. I almost didn't make it with him last semester, and even then he spent time with me and failed one of his classes, nearly failing the rest.

I am starting to evaluate if I really love him or not. I think if I do still love him, it is more a love of what he does for me. I am dependent on him for nearly everything and it's made breaking it off impossible. I don't have any place to go. I am stuck waiting for someone to offer me something better.

I stopped cutting, stopped starving, stopped so many things that made me feel good in an effort to be in a healthy relationship, but I guess it's not really healthy anyways. He may give me a place to live, buy me things I need, and take care of me in general, but there is one thing he just can't fulfill in me, and it's the thing I need the most.

I have gotten to the point where I want it all back. I want to cut again. I want that freedom back to do as I please. I am thinking of tattoos and piercings. I dyed my hair again. I was my natural color for so long. This time I am going white. I think that's what I have always been working towards. White with blue streaks.

I want to feel cold again. The nights have been chillier, and I have had the fan blowing it all in through my window. It's like crack to me for some reason. I looked out for only a moment and imagined I saw snow covering everything, but it's still summer.

I am 190 pounds right now. My high weight is now 195. I seem to have been able to lose those five pounds but the journey back to where I struggled when I regularly used this blog seems like an impossible task. My bottomless appetite has left me. I am horrified that I gained so much, so fast. It took a moment in the outside world with a guy who seemed interested in me, before reality finally slammed down. Never leaving the apartment made it way too easy to avoid a reality check. But I can't live this way anymore.

I have clothes I want to fit into. I have a life I imagine for myself. Nothing emotionally is okay anymore, so I once again feel the need to comfort myself in a fantasy. Being skinny makes me feel safe. Cutting makes me feel safe. It's something I can always go back to for comfort. My bf doesn't make me feel anything anymore, and more than anything, I need to FEEL.

I have my own room now. It can be my sanctuary if I let it. But I think it still needs some hard work. I never have the energy to unpack or organize or clean...

This stress is killing me. Money is stressing me out. My bf can't grow up. He also can't make me feel anything. My home is a mess. The guy I really want to be with can't be with me. The body I want is too far away. At least I have something to work towards.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Back Again...

It feels like it's been forever but I knew eventually I would come back to this. I always come back.
I've gained a copious amount of weight. I won't even say how much right now.
But something clicked in me a few days ago and now I am terrified of being fat. I am terrified of eating. When my stomach starts to get painful and my head gets foggy and I know I have to eat, I panic.

I didn't eat for a full 24 hours a few days ago.
I didn't want to get left alone while my bf worked all day so I stayed the night at his friends. It was a bad idea and yet a good idea at the same time. It was a bad idea because the entire time I was inwardly panicking. The heat got to me. Every time I breathed I feared I would draw attention my way. The idea of making eye contact made me want to puke. I felt like I was suffocating. I was bored out of my mind which is one of my worst fears and I just sat and let that fear fill me up until I couldn't hold it in anymore but couldn't let it out. I was drowning in my own anxieties.
It was a good idea because I didn't have to be alone.
It was a bad idea because I had a chat with someone I now can't stop thinking about.
It was good and bad because it broke open the floodgates for everything. But I can't find my way back.
This friend of my bf's has captured my attention. I've been with my bf over a year now. How can this be happening?

But I feel trapped. I feel like I am finally able to let go of an impossible struggle. I can finally let go, but now I am in that dark place again.
This new guy... I don't know if he was just tired or what, but he treated me so nicely. I always do like the nice guys, don't I?
Everyone else was asleep and somehow I ended up divulging all of my darkest secrets to him and he would just look at me so intensely. He kept saying how sorry he was for everything I had gone through, and touching my hand so gently, and my cheek, asking permission first of course. His hands are bigger than mine. And it was so strange, I had thought that I just don't feel attraction but for the first time in my life, my heart was beating out of my chest and after that, every look he threw my way had me craving more and more. I don't know what's wrong with me.
He understood everything I was doing, with my relationship, with my life choices. He empowered me. Made me feel beautiful, made me feel precious, made me feel rare, and most of all, he made me feel for just a few moments, like maybe I wasn't really alone anymore.
We talked about how my bf and I have been fighting so much lately, and how I almost left him, how I don't want to be with him.
My bf has been so good to me. I couldn't bear to hurt him. I owe him so much. And yet, I can't leave even if I wanted to. I have nowhere to go. I have no one who cares enough to give me solace. I feel so intensely, burn so brightly, and it pushes me aimlessly around this world, this universe. I have a purpose but the longer I search for it the more life gets drawn out of me.
My mom told me she has no place for me there. I have no friends to help me out, no one to talk to. This new friend, he gave me his number, grabbed my phone and typed in his number himself, but I can't bring myself to message him. He intimidates me, makes me feel so crazy that I am afraid to act on my feelings. He offered me an out without actually giving me an out. After he went to bed, we barely exchanged a word since and he had a whole day to do so.
And my bf... I hate myself for feeling the way I do. I want my new friend to date someone else so I can be hurt enough to get over it, and yet I just want to scream, "Here I am!"
This new friend can't give me what I need. I know it's not all about money, but I feel like without such things, my quality of life would decline so drastically, I would be over. It would be the end of me. I am barely keeping it together as it is. My health is drastically declining, but maybe that's all in my head. I have no insurance anymore. What do you do when you run out of options?
So now, I am left empty. Hoping. Dreaming. Reaching.
But more than anything, I realize that I am on a path of destruction and can't get off of it.
I want to cut. I want to shred every part of my body. I want to starve. I want to go out and party. I want to get drunk and do drugs. I want to go all out and go crazy. I want to feel alive. I NEED to feel alive.
I want to go outside and never come back and let the world suck me in and let the people in this world know I am here. I want to squeeze every last drop of vitality from my body and waste it for a rush.
But I'm trapped in here. And I'm not getting out anytime soon.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Haute Pink

I reached my first five pound goal today. I have lost five pounds already!

I got myself a new nail polish as a reward.

I have never really had any pinks, or any warm colors at all so I am very excited, and I am very motivated to lose another ten pounds. I saw this gorgeous "Out At Sea" color that I very much want to get. It was the perfect summery shade of blue. I am really excited for things to warm up around here, I just hope I can start to look great before it passes me by.

I want so many colors, it is ridiculous. I want sunshine yellow, teal, coral, peach, orange, and some kind of pastel purple just to start off with. I never realized there were so many colors and so many shades of colors until I stood in front of that nail polish rack with the task of picking just one. I think I will also start to paint my toenails again. I haven't done that in years.

V is already promising to buy me a new pair of sandals, seeing as I haven't owned those in years either. I got one pair of sandals for my birthday years ago, but one of my sisters "borrowed" them without permission and left one of them in another state. That pair had been my first in years also.

My wardrobe is in a sad state of repair right now. I have no summer wardrobe whatsoever. I can always rebuild though- or should I say- build. You can't rebuild what was never built to begin with...
But everything is turning around for me! Everything will be alright in time.

I took a picture so that everyone can see my new nail polish. I am not sure my phone camera quite captures the color however, but maybe it can help motivate one of you anyways.


I hope everyone is doing fantastic right now!
xoxo

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I'm Back

I haven't been on for a little too long. I know. I apologize.
I have been struggling with some things. I tried making a new blog and starting over, but the truth is, I have had this blog for so long that it feels like me and starting over new would be a betrayal. I can try and start over as many times as I want, but my past will never change, and I am who I am. My past has shaped me into who I am today and is so much a part of me that I shouldn't be trying to forget.
I have been different lately though. I have changed a lot for the better, and have moved on from a lot of my past. I can remember, as long as I don't hold onto old grudges and old griefs, and start trying to live a better life.
I got what I asked for. I have a special someone. I have a home. I have opportunities. I have hope. I have every reason to be grateful. I am happier than I have ever been. Now that I finally have all that I asked for, I need to start living in a way that honors that. Maybe God gave it to me, maybe it was just luck, but either way, I deserve to have a better life and now I must live for the life that I have been given.
I am inspired by the opportunities that I have before me. Although rooted in this town for three or four more years while V finishes college, I will have my own room, and my own home in just a few short months. Now we have a roommate, but when we move, it will be up to me to decorate. It will finally feel like home, and it will be just V and me.
I am inspired by the idea of summer for once. It's an opportunity to be outside, and bask in the sun. Although I am not usually partial to summer, this year I am finding that not much can hold me back. I have almost no summer wardrobe and can build a new one. I can lose weight and finally be tiny. I can get tons of new colors of nail polish along the way. I can dye my hair beach blond, or any other color. I have freedom of choice, and I can look any way I want. I want to look great.
At this time I am locked into our bedroom, and probably will be for a few more months. What locks me in is my own anxieties and fears. I don't want anyone to see me. I feel that even if I were to lose all this weight, I don't want to be remembered as 'the fat girl'. In spite of being an agoraphobic, I try and be as positive as possible. Stressing myself out only makes me eat more. Depression only drives me to binge and gain weight.
I am now about 173 pounds.
I do seem to have gained control of my eating though. I had a binge problem that I could not kick for the life of me. It's been on and off for several years now, and I want it to end for good. The last few weeks I have found myself eating better. I no longer binge. Just one day it shut off.
I have learned to eat only when I am hungry, which is a really hard thing to learn, and I have learned to take smaller bites, eat slower, and drink lots of water.
Instead of beating myself up all of the time, I have turned my destruction into creation, which for me is the key to everything. One day, instead of eating between meals, I decided to take care of myself a little bit. I shaped my nails and painted them, shaved my legs, put on lotions and creams, brushed my hair, and feeling better about myself, I no longer felt the unbearable urge to stuff my face with loads of things I didn't need.
I was at 176 and lost 5 pounds last week, I gained a few back, but lost a whole pound since yesterday, and am well on my way to reaching my goals. I am going to shed all of this weight this year. I am determined to reach 145 and then eventually, 120.
I feel like painting again. I will have empty walls at our new place to cover anyways. My latest creation is a bracelet made of beads. Some of the beads are made out of rolled paper that I colored on with markers. Summer and the idea of beaches has inspired me like nothing else.


I hope maybe this can inspire everyone, even if only for a day.
It feels good to be back.
xoxo

Friday, January 24, 2014

Fat and Happy vs. Working To Be Healthier

There is a certain someone in my life who believes that it is better to be fat and happy than to work to be healthier. Any thoughts on this?

"I like myself the way I am."
Loving yourself for who you are is wonderful and all, but what if you are deciding to love a part of yourself that is not good for you?

"V, you don't need to lose any weight. I think you look fine."
I am actually overweight. Not just by my standards, but from a medical standpoint it would do me lots of good to lose some weight and try and get healthier. I feel like she just says this to make herself feel better about her own weight at over 200 pounds.

She tells me that the social media is just making me have unrealistic expectations. She tells me that she doesn't believe what doctor's say, she believes that bmi is a bad indicator of size, that 140 pounds is too small. She believes that calorie counting is for idiots. Is it all just denial?

Why do people ridicule those who try and lose weight? Do they not understand the concept of healthy? Or are they just refusing to believe that they need to be better, because it is too much work for them to try anymore?

My conclusion- She's just lazy. Her favorite word is actually the word lazy. "I'm too lazy." "I don't want to." "I'm too tired." "I would rather be lazy then work." It's so sad that it's true.

Here are some statistics to make things clearer.
  • More than one-third of U.S. adults (35.7%) are obese.
  • Obesity-related conditions include heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes and certain types of cancer, some of the leading causes of preventable death.
  • The estimated annual medical cost of obesity in the U.S. was $147 billion in 2008 U.S. dollars; the medical costs for people who are obese were $1,429 higher than those of normal weight.
http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/adult.html

Friday, January 3, 2014

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.
So I did make some New Years resolutions this year, even though I usually don't. I feel it is time to make changes in my life. I am living in this new apartment, and I realized that there is a gym here and I have a key.
So here are my resolutions:

1.) Lose some weight. (obviously)
2.) Actually get some artwork done. I have only finished one painting in 2013. That's just sad.
3.) Check out the gym here.

So I lost two pounds from the first of the month to the second, and although I feel like I ate too much today, I was able to check out the gym here. It is amazing. I think it is open all hours so I can exercise at night when I am usually awake, and there won't be too many people there. It has some kind of sauna in the bathrooms. There is even an indoor heated pool.
So I resolved to get a swimming suit, because swimming burns a lot of calories, and I tried out the treadmill. I burned 100 calories in about 30 minutes. It is going to be amazing. I hadn't really dressed for a work out though and V was bored and wanted to leave, or I would have done more.
I am somewhat afraid of other people seeing the way I look there, or seeing me working out, but my fear of looking this way forever outweighs my social phobia.
I am thinking that my new exercise regime might go something like this-
1 hour on the treadmill
1 hour on the stationary bike
1 hour in the pool (maybe more)

I might cut it down to half an hour on the treadmill and the stationary bike and then spend most of my time in the pool, but I won't know until I can see what I prefer.
Rent is paid and V's financial aid should come in soon, and we will be buying some desks- his for school, mine to work on my art- and giving the apartment people a deposit so that we can have a single apartment after this lease is up in May. Then, we should be able to stay at these apartments in a single room apartment until V graduates in a three years, give or take.
I have no excuse not to be fit now. I have all the resources I could ever possibly want.

On another note, we have rescued my cat from my ex's, cleaned up her fur, got her some toys and things, and she is happy as can be. V is in love with her already. It's nice to have a pet again.
I am so happy that things are finally starting to get better for me. I am excited to get my things back this year, and finally start my life. Everything is coming together. V is the best thing that has ever happened to me.