Thursday, November 14, 2013

Lease, cat, no damage done

I had a break down last night. I just lost it from all of the stress lately
Turns out when I really think about it, I was freaking out over what other people would call normal eating.
Half of a sub sandwich and two chips ahoy cookies can hardly be called a binge, but at the time it felt like I was eating so much!
So I didn't get a chance to weigh myself until after the lease signing, (Yay! It's official now!), so I ate breakfast first but when I weighed myself I was at exactly the same weight as yesterday. Since that was after eating, I think I may have actually passed my goal but didn't get the chance to see it. I will see if I can get under it by tomorrow. I seriously thought I had gained at least two pounds...

Also, since it is $250 to get my cat into the apartment and $25 extra a month for the cat's rent, V does not want to pay that much and suggests leaving the cat where she is. I am not happy right now. I'm going to be trapped in the same room with V at the new apartment too. I am so not ready for any of this.

Boyfriends and Weight

I want to be the girl in the relationship for once.
V weighs 139 pounds. I weigh 161. It's disgusting. It's sick. How do people live like this?!
This is what we should look like.

Dark Passenger

V makes me realize how dark my life really is, how different I really am. I feel like there really is an "us", and a "them". There is an obvious difference between people like me, and people like him. I embrace my dark side. He never had one, and will probably never see the dark side. I told him he could read a few things from my blog and he told me he couldn't. He's too afraid of what he might read. He cannot face the darker things in life. Songs that mean so much to me, he won't listen to because it scares him. I was watching the show Dexter the other day. Dexter has a darker side he calls his "dark passenger". I love it because it reminds me of me in a way, although I am not a killer, and I feel like the dark passenger is me and there is no other side except for the front I have to put up in front of other people. If anyone else ever saw my dark passenger, saw the real me, I could never be accepted.
Blood and death fascinates me, and he turns away from it. We live in such different worlds...
I love my dark passenger, I love who I am, but no one else ever could.

I'm listening to Silverchair- Ana's Song (open fire), and Brooke Fraser- Scarlet. I so badly just want to embrace my dark side.

I can't breath and the real world scares me. I just want to be by myself in my head again. I want to feel separated. I want to detach myself. I want to finally be at home in my head again.
I want to be tiny. I want to be so tiny I scare people. I want to be able to pick at my food and then turn it away. I want to be untouchable. I want to be fragile and beautiful. I want to always be cold. I want to drown in my own clothes. I want to be careless and free. I want to be far away. I want Ana back. I can't eat healthy anymore. It just sickens me. I want to be unhealthy. I want to be disordered in my eating habits. I want to be not just sick, but the sickest. I don't care how messed up that is. I want it back.

Not Okay

Does anybody else feel like they are utterly and completely alone, even in a room full of people? Even in a room with your boyfriend and one of his friends?
God, I was doing so well. I was going to end my day under 600 calories and then his car fucking broke and he had to call his parents and ask for help. He didn't even need his parents. His mom just reassured him the same way I could have had he given me the chance, but who am I kidding? There's just no one like a mom.
I don't want anything to have to do with his parents though. They think I am complete shit and that their son is too good for someone like me. It sickens me. He brings it up almost daily if I don't. This will pass and then I will just be another discarded girlfriend. The fucked up one that makes all the rest look good.
I hate this.
His car broke down so he asked his friend to help him, even though he could have just used my phone. Then his friend and him went and blew some money on food and the friend at least asked me if I wanted anything. My bf purposely tried to make me mad because he thought it was funny, and then asked fifty times, IN FRONT OF HIS FRIEND if I was mad or upset. So embarrassing. Then I just followed them back to the dorm room where they just hopped on the TV and started playing some kind of shooting game. I'm guessing it was Call of Duty or something. It is the most fucking pointless game I have ever seen. He wants to buy himself the next game in the series for $60. His parents are going to buy him hundreds of dollars in presents and then he made a list of other things he wants for Christmas, totaling over $200. Then he promised me a trip to my parents to get some of my things, but it will be another hundred or two and then we will only be able to get my fish tank and a few boxes. He also promised to help me get my cat back. There is a pet deposit and maybe a fish tank deposit in case of water damage. He promised lots of furniture and a new bed and so many other things. Why am I falling for this again? It's just a shit load of empty promises. He might get a few hundred for the entire month of December.
I've been holding all of this back for so long, letting it all build up, ignoring my doubts and thoughts. Now that I have finally binged it's all coming out and I just want to scream. I am so sick of all the shit I have to go through in my life, and there is nowhere to put the blame. I want to disappear. I can just walk away from all of this. Maybe I am actually allowed to have thoughts of my own. Maybe I am actually allowed to have my own emotions. I don't want to be here and I don't want to do this. This is not okay.
I can't do this...