Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I am sitting here at 4:30 in the morning. I laid in bed for hours and just couldn't sleep. I was too hot or too cold or had too much energy. In the morning, 11 a.m. to be exact, I have a doctor's appointment. I am going to ask about support to get on disability. This is making me anxious.
When I called to make the appointment, the receptionist sounded so surprised when I mentioned disability that I felt like she was laughing at me. She probably took one look at how old I was and inwardly figured I was an idiot. Almost half of the people who go on disability do it for a psychiatric disorder (mental disorder) though. I wonder if anyone even knows that...
My history should say it all. After freshman year in high school I could no longer hold it together and my grades plunged. I dropped out after two years of getting no credits. Last year I was in the hospital twice for attempted suicide. I overdosed on a bunch of pills at least 100 times or so all throughout my teenage years, hoping anything would get me out of life. It's pretty sad that I was that naive for that long.
I got really sick one of those times. I have taken probably at least 50 ibuprofen at once on two different occasions. I can't handle a job. I had a job for three months tops before I got fired but the manager was never satisfied with me anyways. I had several panic attacks and cried every day that I had that job. I spent at least a year sleeping next to my ex on a dirty mattress in a dirty apartment because I had nowhere else to go. I lived in a homeless shelter for maybe a week and I couldn't handle that either so I left.
I have a panic attack every time I think about getting a job and would rather die than get one again because it stresses me out so much. I cannot cope with everyday life. I can't even handle going to the grocery store without someone to go with me.
When I got tested for learning disorders and mental disorders, the doctor who did all of the tests gave me my results in paper, and it mentions if I were to ever go back to school I would need to ask specifically for help and I shouldn't take more than two classes at a time or I won't be able to handle it.
I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, ADHD, math fluency disorder, cognitive disorder NOS.
I think all of this should be plenty of reason to go on disability. I need more help than I can get where I am, and hopefully disability can help me. I am hoping it can give me the tools to move on with my life, and maybe one day go to college and be successful. But as I see it now, I am not going anywhere.
People hate me when I am suicidal. They believe I can control it. They believe that it is attention seeking. For some reason, no one can believe that someone so pathetic and hurtful to others as a person who wants to take their own life, could possibly have no control over their wish to do so.
I hate telling people when I feel like I want to kill myself. Everyone always says that I should let them know, but when I do, they grow very angry with me and tell me things like, "Just stop."
My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that suicide is stupid. Somehow to him, wanting to take my life made me stupid.
For those who don't know, bipolar is like this.
Manic depression, also known as bipolar disorder, is classified as a type of affective disorder or mood disorder that goes beyond the day's ordinary ups and downs, and is a serious medical condition and important health concern in this country. Manic depression is characterized by periodic episodes of extreme elation, elevated mood, or irritability (also called mania) countered by periodic, classic depressive symptoms.
Depression is a mood disorder that involves a child's body, mood, and thoughts. It can affect and disrupt eating, sleeping, or thinking patterns, and is not the same as being unhappy or in a "blue" mood, nor is it a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. Children with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. 
http://medicalcenter.osu.edu/patientcare/healthcare_services/mental_health/mental_health_about/mood/bipolar_disorder/Pages/index.aspx

My mom told me the other day that my grandpa (who recently passed away) used to be her uncles greatest supporter. He has bipolar disorder too. They were brothers if anyone didn't make that connection. Her uncle would call his brother, and my grandpa would drive out to help. He would make sure there was nothing dangerous in the bedroom, and would put a chair outside the door and sit out there all night, just to make sure he didn't hurt himself. Learning this, I miss my grandpa even more.
I wish there could be someone out there like that who could help me. I often feel so alone that I feel as if I could disappear and it would never be noticed. I feel like whatever I leave behind or bring to other people is a negative thing. I feel that, if I ever disappeared, it would be said of me how selfish I was for leaving, or for hurting those around me. I feel as if no one could ever just love me for me and try and understand. It amazes me how selfish my grandpa was.
If someone could just love me enough to sit outside my door all night, to make sure I was alright when I feel that life could not be worth it. But here, if my boyfriend offered that, I would only feel guilty that I had kept him up all night. Then, I would be afraid that his parents would be angry with me for keeping him up all night. I understand that people have lives to live. I understand that D has to work and therefore has to sleep. I feel that no matter what, I am not an important enough reason for anyone to sacrifice anything for. I feel like a pain and a nuisance. I feel that I am worth nothing. I have no reason to live and nothing to look forward to. I cannot cope with life, and so what kind of life can I possible have? I cannot be successful if I cannot even cope with each day and each moment as it comes.
I am tired of being homeless, and hopeless. I am tired of having no place to call my own. It has been two years now with no privacy, no quality of life, and each day I am just getting by financially and emotionally. I feel that I am doing my best, and yet it is not good enough. I only hope that someday I can show to others how selfless I work to be, and someday be as selfless as my grandfather.