Thursday, May 30, 2013

I am back where I was a few days ago. Since I weighed in at around 158.4 at some point this week...
I broke down early this morning and ate about 410 calories. Could have been worse. So my total for yesterday (I just woke up so it's a new day for me) is 1365. It could definitely have been worse.
I woke up at 156.6 pounds. That is 0.1 off from where I was a few days ago so I am happy about that. My goal is to be under 155 by Sunday and that means I have less than two pounds to go in three days. That is definitely doable.
I must say, it is a serious relief to be moving down instead of up now. The farther away from 160 I get, the more relaxed I can feel.
I drew out a calendar so that I could see how my goals would work.

These are my goal dates:
Big goals
Biggest goals

June 2- 155
June 9- 150
June 16- 145
JUNE 21- Summer starts
June 23- 145 maintained for a week
June 30- 140

July 7-140 maintained
July 14- 135 Pass up my low weight
July 21- 130
July 28- 130 maintained

August 4- 125
August 11- 123
August 18- 120
August 25- 120 m

September 1- 120 m
September 8- 118
September 15- 118 m
September 22- 118 m
September 29- 116

October 6- 115
October 13- 114 Yes I know this would put me at underweight
October 20- 114 m
October 27- 114 My birthday
I can't sleep.
I keep thinking about tomorrow night when I am going over to my parents house to house sit and babysit everyone. They are going on a trip to the city where they are going to move- just my mom and dad that is- and they are moving lots of stuff to storage down there. So they are really going to do it.
I am thinking about moving back in there like I usually think about it.
I hate it here. The pressure of having too much stuff and no space for it all, and the hot water heater breaking, and the fact that I have to clean the room... It's starting to outweigh the cons of living with my parents again. I want my own space back.
The problem is, they may be moving before I can get into a new home. Maybe it will provide my boyfriend with the incentive he needs to get a move on. I need a home. Somehow right now, the fact that I have lived in this shit-hole for two years weighs nothing next to his little amount of debt that he just has to pay off first.
Even if it makes me manic again, I could see it being worth it.
Right now, it feels like nothing is worth anything. I have nowhere to go right now and it is destroying me.

***My Obsession With Tiny***

My obsession with tiny

My obsession with tiny
Will eat me away
I'll grow smaller and smaller
And closer each day

To these goals that I set
So near yet so far
I'll get there someday
I will raise the bar

I need to be tiny
Skinny and slim
Little and small
Weigh no more than a whim

I'm determined to lose
And still win my game
Be so little and pretty
No longer ashamed

Tiny bones, tiny waist
Hips protruding with grace
Pouty lips on a face
That says I've won the race

I'll win at wasting
At wasting away
With all my willpower
I'll win the game that I play

I will throw away calories
And throw away fat
Throw away misery
I'll be done with that

And in it's place,
I'll be beautiful and new
I'll achieve hopes and dreams
Achieve wishes too

I'll be effortless and free
Free of these chains
Once the journey ends
I'll be rid of those pains

My obsession with tiny
Will gnaw at my frame
Til my body and mind
Are one and the same

My obsession with tiny
Will eat me away
But I'm okay with that.
Ana can stay.