Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I was doing so well. I feel like I have a limited number of motivated days before I just have to hunker down and try to maintain. I feel like K just wasted one of them.
I was still at 500 calories, when she came in and asked what I had eaten today. She pressured me into eating something, I opted for a small whole wheat bagel with some apple butter.
Whole wheat bagel- 110 calories
Apple butter- 45
Total- 155
I was fine. I was perfectly alright. I was done. But no, K decided to literally feed my like a baby some of her cheesy noodles that were too spicy. I feel a bit sick. I had no chance to go and throw them up or I would have. I am estimating it was an extra 300 calories!
Now I am at more like 955 calories which to me is already over 1000. It was out of my hands but I feel like I could have done more, and now I just feel like a fat fuck up. I feel like my day is wasted. I tried to go outside for a walk but right now I feel like someone shoved knives down my throat because I walked in the cold. Wait, no one is here right now... It is probably too late already. Fuck life.
I want to lose weight, and I want to lose weight now. I WILL do better tomorrow.
I am on a longer bipolar low at the moment. It means I am dark and depressed maybe for the summer. I don't know.
I only had 600 calories yesterday and I woke up weighing 158.4 pounds. I guess I must have gotten up near 160 pounds. Oh well. I am on my way down now.
I've had some chocolate which was a mistake at 420 calories. I also had an apple at about 100 calories. I don't plan on eating anything else. Food is such a disgusting thing once you think about it. It's like drinking gasoline and then creating pollution with it.
I think I might go on a walk soon. As soon as I finish downloading some more Silverchair songs.
I haven't eaten since this morning when I had a few pieces of pizza. Afterwards I walked to the park and threw at least one of those pieces up in the park bathroom, which of course no one was in sight of because of the rain.
I haven't had anything to eat since then. There is nothing I want to eat. I am starving but I have no appetite. I have had maybe 600 calories max. I won't be eating anything else before going to bed.
I am sick of being sick. Everything but fruits and veggies make me sick as far as I know so I am going vegan. I hate this place. I haven't been able to take a shower since Friday. I won't be able to take a shower until late Thursday night or Friday. Gross.
The water heater is still out.
When Ia m hungry for so long I start to be able to hit those lows I used to hit again. It feels like home. I probably shouldn't love it so much, but who can help who or what they love anyways? I don't care either way. I want to be tiny.
Average is not good enough.
Slim is not good enough.
Skinny is not good enough.
I will not settle for anything less than what is the best in my head.
I am so motivated.
Hopefully in the morning I will be less than 156.5 pounds. That's what I was a few days ago. I wonder even what I am now. I am terrified by the idea that maybe I gained back the one and a half pounds that I lost. I don't want to be anywhere near 160.
I am excited that I have made it this far though. I really am.
I got to the point where 600 calories is too much, and I won't touch anything more for the day. Amazing.