Thursday, May 16, 2013

So... I started my new medication yesterday and then I got really sick. I was tossing and turning all night and then all of a sudden the nausea grew unbearable. I went upstairs to the bathroom and stuff I had eaten 12 hours before came up- everything I ate yesterday in two goes. How disturbing really. As of yet, I don't know if it was because of the medication, but I find it awfully suspicious that I started the med and got really sick in the same day. Coincidence? I'm still not sure...
All I have had today is some mashed potatoes. I wonder if it had dairy in it...
My bf's mom made it yesterday out of actual potatoes, not just the mix so I'm not sure about that either.
I already took my new meds today, about two hours ago, maybe less. I wonder if I will get sick.

I am actually quite happy that I threw it all up. I was panicking last night about how much I had eaten. I have no idea how much I weigh now. All I know is that I am suddenly freezing again. I think if I were to get sick again, I would be excited in a way that something interesting has happened- new medication allergy?- And then for the most part I would be unhappy. I have 3 months of the stuff and I have limited options for my bipolar disorder. Also, I don't really want to go to the doctor's until I have to. I am just not sure how to go about that... But I don't know anything yet so this is all just unnecessary thoughts.

It will be another two hours until my bf will get back and I have found myself to be increasingly bored lately. Two hours is going to feel like forever, but the few hours I will get with my bf before he has to sleep will not be enough.

I should mention that I feel really nauseous again. Maybe I should eat something after all... Sigh.
I guess I have been absent for a day or two... I am not sure.
I got started on abilify for my bipolar disorder today.

I would like to clarify something I said the other day.
When I said I was going to move into a new place with my bf, I meant it as a good thing. We have been dating for over six months now and I stay with him at his parent's for long periods of time sometimes. Where I normally live is at an apartment with my ex-boyfriend and his dad and his sister. It is not a good situation in the least. I still have to sleep next to my ex in his room. The floors are molded black and there is dog hair and dog feces and urine everywhere. We often lose internet for days on end, and we have lost power from time to time. I have been living there for two years now, which is since I was 17 years old and I moved out of my parents. My parents and I do not get along unless we are apart for a long time. My family is moving to another state soon- 12 hours away if I could even drive. If my cat goes with them she is doomed to die. I am not exaggerating either. My things will be taken or thrown out.
I have been homeless before. I lived in a homeless shelter for a while. I am at risk for being kicked out of the apartment with my ex and it worries me to no end.
Having a home for once would be wonderful. In fact, it would feel like a miracle to me.
I was 151 again yesterday but I don't know what I am now. With my clothes on, at the doctor's, the scale said I was 160 pounds. What a horrific moment that was. I am trying not to think about it too much.

Note: For some reason this didn't post yesterday when I wrote it, and it even cut off half of what I said...