I lost a pound since yesterday somehow. On the scale here I am 150 pounds.
I am feeling very tired today. I just have no energy...
I guess I have been like that a lot lately. I talked to my boyfriend and he is supporting the whole goals thing. He is excited for me to dye my hair, and he is fascinated that I want my belly button pierced. I guess I never really thought I would do it because I have never been skinny enough for it to be appealing.
Today I have had ice cream and chicken. I feel like that is so many calories.
Also, D's mom is coming back tomorrow and it does actually stress me out. I hear she was pleased when she heard that i cleaned the entire downstairs but that doesn't mean she likes me or is ever going to like me. I don't know if we will get along or if his mom will be upset when I don't want to be super social...
I don't know if I am going to be able to force myself to be social and help out everywhere. It stresses me out to the extreme when I do but... It's the only way to keep her happy.
I don't think I have said anything about this yet, but my bf got a full time job and so I can move out with him in three months. He has to have two months pay stubs first at least and enough money for a down payment on an apartment and first months rent and so on. I sometimes feel like it isn't really going to happen still. I feel like I will jinx it or something else will come up. Either way, three months is about when my parents are going to move. I don't know what I am going to do. I feel like I am going to cut it really close. I wonder if I will even have enough time to get all of my stuff and my cat...
It should make me excited but there were so many opportunities to feel excited in the past several years and not a single one of them even made it to reality. I am hesitant to put my heart on the line again.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
I sit there listening to Ana's Song by Silverchair and I remember a different me from years ago. I can imagine how things could have been different. Self control was effortless back then. I would drop several pounds a day. Life just didn't matter.
If things had gone differently, I could see myself somewhere beautiful. I would be in a large house with giant glass windows, and outside would be green pines blanketed in a ghostly white. It was almost as if the snow created a different reality, a reality where I could draw in the lines, and color in my world with crayons, but I liked the white. In fact, I loved it.
I would sit in an old chair in that large room, curled in on myself, wrapped in something worn and ragged but still pretty. It would be an off white blanket, crocheted, and would wrap just over my sharp collar bones and fragile shoulders. A fire would throw flickering lights and shadows over the wall behind me, and even right next to the fire, a simple breeze would make me shiver.
"Come outside," he would call.
He would hand me a coat and I would pull on another pair of snowflake patterned tights, but I would still drown in my own clothes. Inside the thick walls of an extra jacket, I would be almost nothing. I would be a frame to hang the fabrics across, and somehow, I would only just hold everything up.
The door would open, a cold blast hitting me in the face. It would be refreshing. I would watch my tiny footprints appear behind me in the snow, and compare the white of the snowflakes against my own skin. I would look like porcelain, smooth and delicate and somehow, at home in the freezing wonderland.
"Over here," he would call to me.
I would run, not even sinking in the snow. I would be so light I would flit across the ground, making strokes in the snow like a paintbrush across a painting.
Suddenly, the ground would fall out from under me and I would fall, fall, fall, right into the arms of my beloved. I would drift through the air like one drifts through a dream, carried on the breath of a wish.
With a soft pat I would be in his arms, and he would say to me, "For a moment it was as if you were flying. It's no wonder either, you weigh almost nothing." And just like that he would let me down.
If things had gone differently, I could be weightless right now, but there is still time. In time, I will be weightless. I can still learn that food is nothing. It does not control you, it does not force itself into you, and ignored, it cannot weigh you down. In time I can learn to say no to food, and lose day by day. The time will pass quickly, the progress will be drastic. My dream may just be, a future reality.
"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyways."