Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I've been having a rough few days.
Monday I binged and purged for the first time in maybe a year. I purposely made myself throw up more than I ever did, but it still wasn't enough.
The hot water heater here broke so I went up to R's for a night to take a shower there and he has a new roommate who made me extremely uncomfortable. I ate lots more. I gained some weight. Now I am up to 154 or something. It may have been more like 155. Either way, I am determined and I still have that five that I lost.

My goal for this week is to get under 150 on this scale. My new ultimate goal is to get to 114 pounds. 120 isn't good enough for me. Even 120 is starting to feel fat for me. I am quite disgusted with myself but that's fine, it's just good motivation. We learn from our mistakes more than from our successes sometimes.

I am 15-20 pounds off from my low weight.
I get to see my bf Wednesday.
I am not coping well at all. I had a panic attack today that was reminisce of one of the panic attacks I had at the beginning of last year on that awful medication.
I was really tired though and hadn't slept since the morning before, so at least it had a reason. I would hate to sleep normally and panic like that on a regular day.

I have started drinking coca cola zero. It actually tastes quite good to me and has no calories. I am hoping it can help me. From now on, I would like to avoid any drinks with calories in it so I don't have to worry about those.

I feel so helpless and out of control when I binge. I would love to just walk it off but depending on your weight, walking burns under 200 calories per hour. I miss the bike at my parents. I can burn 100 calories in 10 minutes there. When I go for an hour it can be more like 300-400 calories burned per hour. Walking just can't match that at all. I hardly have any energy so it is very hard for me to exercise very long standing up. Then my hips start to hurt, along with other parts of my body. Oh well. I have to pay the price for what I did. I think I am going to attempt to jog, and if that fails, I will just walk. Some calories burned is better than no calories burned...

I already woke up and binged and I have a long day ahead of me. I am going to estimate very roughly that I have already consumed 1000 calories. I feel like today is a doomed day. I sentenced myself to one more day of not losing. We'll see how it goes. More waking hours means more time to burn calories too.