Sunday, May 5, 2013

Attention Followers

So I've been puzzled lately because my blog feed isn't moving as much as it used to, in other words out of all of the blogs I am following, very few of them are actually posting. What was more confusing was that I do actually get a few comments here or there, usually from a few regulars. So I went back through comments and clicked on the names of the people who commented, and what do you know- I wasn't following them.

This was a little odd to me, but then I noticed a few of them were people who had started over their blogs with different names or blog names. I can understand the whole starting over thing all too well. For future reference, maybe leave me a little sticky note in my comments that something has changed maybe...? Thanks.

Also, one or two were because of blogger errors that have nothing to do with anything and I found my way around that. That's all good.

Scarlett, I thought I should let you know that since you changed your blog to where only invited individuals can read your blog, I can't comment back. No worries though. :)

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Thank you for commenting too. It means a lot to me that you are taking a moment to comment. It really does. <3

Lastly, welcome Claudelle! You are my newest follower. Willkommen!
I know I am posting an awful lot and I know that I can't expect every one of my posts to be read. I think I am just bored and very lonely and I am trying to keep myself busy.

I doubted my bf a lot last night. I felt stupid hanging around my phone waiting for him to finally call me so I left my phone in my room and found out around midnight that I had eight missed calls from him, but it was too late. Eight missed calls! He was probably really busy. It makes me feel bad. He really is a wonderful boyfriend.

On the 22nd last month we hit the six month mark. I have been dating him for a whole six months and we are finally starting to mellow out with each other and get along. I should trust him more by now. I guess I am just so used to being screwed over by everybody that it is hard for me to understand that he may be different. He has been so good to me.

After realizing this, I grew pretty panicky. I am still very, VERY stressed out. The reason for that, is because I feel like now that something good has happened to me, something terrible will also happen. I know how life is. I know that the moment it seems like I am climbing out of the abyss, life will throw me right back in. Life is one bad thing after another and I am just waiting for the nest wave to hit.

I have been wondering if everyone's lives are like this. Does everyone only get as much as they can handle? Is everyone kept just on the edge? But then, I know that there are lots of people out there who have good things happen to them and then little let downs and they are happy people. I know a good portion of it is attitude, but I wonder how much. Is it really too much to ask, for something good to happen and for it to stay that way? I don't think so. I am tired of all of these huge changes happening all at once.

I mean, if I had to choose between my bf and a home, would I? I just don't want to be faced with anything like that. I don't want to gain something good, only to lose something that means so much to me. This is just an example. I have no such choice in front of me. I always feel like if I am happy for a little while, something really terrible will pull me back down. Maybe it isn't as much the fear of my happiness causing something bad, as much as a fear of the ride. I don't want to feel excited just to be let down, and in the same way, I don't want to finally allow myself to be happy because I am bipolar and the constant ups and downs are just terrible to experience. Every time I come back down I want to throw up. It's nauseating.

I guess my biggest fear right now is losing D. I think I always get terrified when I come back here, because I am convinced that I am missing so much, that things will start to shift out of my control. Like when he is at home and I am here, I think he will meet someone else. Or he will be away for so long that he will start to forget what it's like to be with me and want to break up. I am afraid that all of this time with his parents will convince him or give them time to convince him that I am not good for him, or that he needs to stay there and help them. It is so hard to let go of all of these thoughts. There are so many things that could happen. But I am also worried that if everything stays so well between us, then some other problem will happen, because inevitably, nothing is perfect. I am expecting things to come up between us, and if they didn't, I would expect something else to happen.

What I am saying, is that if everything were to be perfect between us, to make things go wrong, I am afraid that the balance of things would shift and he would get killed or be forced to work somewhere I could never be with him. I don't know why I am so terrified of him dying in a car accident, I just am.

What I am saying is that everything in life scares me I guess. It's silly. : )

I guess it's a very big reason why I have my eating issues. It is the only big thing in life that I can control. It is comforting to mess with such a big thing as my life when everyone's lives are shifted in ways that are hard for me to handle.

Is this what it is to miss someone? Maybe worrying like this is how I miss people. I sometimes wonder if I do miss people but I think that's what it is right there. I show that I miss people by constantly worrying about them. I guess that would explain why I am scared to death for every one of my sisters. They are all having such a hard time with everything and once they move, I won't even be able to help them with any of their problems. I think looking back, that is the reason I tried to get a job in the first place. I wanted money, because money was something that could give me the power to help my sisters out. It meant being able to afford to see my family more often and it meant being able to take my sisters places and give them my time and my love. I feel so cut off from everybody right now though.

Even all of you are so far away, and I can't be the only lonely one right now.

Coffe PART 2: Calories

I made a second post to cover the calories in different kinds of coffee because I know that this is what I am most concerned about. Black coffee is almost no calories at all (meaning about 2 calories for a cup of ground coffee or about 8 ounces), but the coffee most of us drink has added flavors and things like milk, which is when coffee becomes high calorie.

Here is a site with a list of coffees from different places and their calorie content. I will be copying down a few of them below in a much simpler list, but if you want to be specific about a brand or type, just Google it.
I would like to point out that if you don't see the specific drink you are looking for right away on the page, each coffee place has a little link next to it that says, "view more". Click that and it will bring you to a full list of that place's drinks.

Average all brands:
Caffe Latte
with whole milk
8 oz.                 136 calories
12 oz.               204
1 fl. oz.             17
1 mL                1

with no-fat milk
8 oz.                67 calories
12 oz.              100

with whole milk
8 oz.               73 calories
12 oz.             110

with no-fat milk
8 oz.                40 calories
12 oz.              60

Starbucks Skinny flavored latte with non-fat milk
8 oz.               60 calories
12 oz.             90
1 pint              120
1 pint 4 oz.      150
1 oz.                8

Soy milk
12 oz.             203 calories

Nonfat milk
12 oz.             135 calories

Coffee PART 1: Terms

I have been talking about coffee lately here and there, and I noticed it is one of the few things that I love that I know barely anything about. So, I am doing a series of coffee posts to help everyone stay more informed. I know that most people have a good amount of knowledge about the topic, but maybe I can bring some new information to the table. With any luck, I will have helped someone out.

Just a side note here- I lived in a Mormon family for my entire life and have only recently grown to be interested in coffee in the past year or two. I like to say I lived under a rock because of how much stuff I missed and had to learn late in life. I think the first time I had coffee I must have been 16 or 17 when I asked a friend to introduce it to me. I hated it that first time due to too many shots of caffeine I think. I used to mix it with hot cocoa and that's how I gained the taste for it. Personal side notes are in this bright color by the way.

Coffee terms:

Italian for "drowned", it's a shot of gelato or ice cream, usually vanilla that is drowned in espresso. Sometimes it is topped with chocolate or caramel sauce. Think root beer float, except with coffee instead. It could be fun to experiment with different ice cream flavors.

This term varies from country to country but refers to a coffee drink made by adding one or two shots of espresso to water. Apparently there is a wide variety of ways to make this though, sometimes it is equal parts espresso and water. In Western US it can be referred to as an "Italiano" and sometimes in Europe it is called a "Vermonto". I think this is made to imitate the effects of homemade coffee.

Espresso is poured into the bottom third of a cup, with about the same size layer of hot milk on that, and then milk foam on the top. Sometimes chocolate is mixed into the espresso on the bottom layer first, and spices like cinnamon or chocolate shavings can be sprinkled on the milk foam when finished.
These are stronger tasting, which is basically pretty bitter, since it is usually equal parts milk and espresso.

A cortado is espresso with warm milk. It can be made with 1 part milk to 1 part espresso, or 2 parts milk to 1 part espresso. (milk:espresso- 1:1 or 1:2)

"Espresso is a concentrated beverage brewed by forcing a small amount of nearly boiling water under pressure through finely ground coffee beans."
60 mL of espresso has 80-150 mg of caffeine.
2 fluid ounces of espresso has 80-150 mg of caffeine.
(Espresso is the actual coffee part with all of the caffeine that is in all of these drinks.)

This is a Starbucks trademarked drink that is basically different flavors mixed with coffee and made with crushed ice to be a cold coffee drink.
I think this is the drink Old Man likes best. He's supposed to be on a diet program so that he can get a hip surgery but he tends to go get Iced coffees anyways. -.-

Also known as a cafe latte, this drink is made with espresso and steamed milk. In this drink the milk is added to the cafe, which is the other way around in a latte macchiato. Also, the cafe latte is supposed to taste more strongly of coffee. Think of it as coffee with a little milk.
I finally learned one string of coffee words that always gives me a coffee taste that I like. I haven't been able to pin down any names of anything else I like so far. It's a skinny vanilla latte with soy. I always emphasize "with soy" because I love coffee and dairy makes me sick, and I wouldn't want to ruin myself for coffee again.

Latte Macchiato-
A drink that is mainly milk and milk foam with espresso being added to the milk as opposed to the other way around. It is like milk with a little coffee.

Meaning "stained", is an espresso with a little bit of foamed milk. This drink is a lot stronger than a Cappuccino even though they both have the same ingredients. The milk is basically a "stain", which indicates that the actual amount of milk is very small.

The cafe mocha differs from a cafe latte in that it has chocolate in it. It is hot milk and espresso, like a latte, but also some form of chocolate. It can be thought of as hot cocoa with coffee in it.
This is what I had today mixed with something else, but it tasted terrible. Considering that I actually grew accustomed to coffee by mixing it with hot cocoa, I would say that whatever I had today was made with dark chocolate or some really thick, terrible mixture of such.

These are the basic coffee mixes I think. Then I found some more coffee terms that are extremely helpful to me.

This is simply the number of espresso shots you wish to put in it. Extra shots means extra caffeine.

8 oz. Short drink
12 oz. Tall drinks include 1 shot already.
16 oz. Grande is 2 shots.
24 oz. Venti is 3 shots.

Soy refers to soy milk for people like me who are lactose intolerant.

Coffees with milk can be substituted with non-fat milk or skim milk.

This means that the drink will be made with sugar free syrups if it has any, and skim milk.
I have to specify that it needs to be sugar free sometimes, and I always specify that it needs to be made with soy, because skim or non-fat milk is still dairy and can still make me sick.
I was very pleased with the taste of the drink, which in other foods can be awful if it is lactose intolerant, and especially if it is sugar free. Also, I read up on it and my drink is really low in calories.

Made with half caffeinated and have decaffeinated.

Decaf is made with no caffeine or very little caffeine. A lot of the time it can be decaf and still have some caffeine in it so be careful.

Flavor shots-
These can be shots of flavors like vanilla, caramel, cinnamon, mocha (chocolate), and hazelnut.

Here is my other source. It may also be easier to understand than reading all of my reworded explanations.

So this is my calorie count so far.

Solid food calories:
Granola bar- 110
Whole wheat flat bagels- 110
Humus- 80
Tiny cinnamon apple rice cake- 20 (?)

Liquid calories:
Minimart coffee 16 oz- 300+ (?)
Orange juice- 200 (?)
Root beer- 120

Total food calories: 320 calories
Total liquid calories: 620 calories

TOTAL CALORIES: 940 calories

So I am pretty worried about how many calories I have had but when I break it down like this, I haven't really been eating all that much food. I am hungry at the moment. By hungry I am referring less to my appetite and more to my stomach making hunger pangs. I actually poured some of the coffee out. I put some of the mocha or whatever in it and it just tasted way too sweet and chocolatey than I like. For me, chocolate and coffee don't mix very well. I don't know much about coffees and calories in relation to coffees so it could have been a lot more or a lot less than 300 calories. For some reason I am most concerned with the orange juice calories. That one could also be a lot more or a lot less than 200. I drank that one straight from the bottle, (I know, I know, tsk tsk), and I have a hard time estimating.

I might have a snack or something later but I will probably have another granola bar or a bagel so the calories will be under 200, but then again I feel somewhat uncomfortable eating anything more today. I will prabably be going to bed in the next five hours and that doesn't give me too much time or any reason to mess up. I think I will even bundle up and grab my mp3 player and walk to the park where I can swing on the swings for a while alone in the dark. I have some really great news but I am terrified to jinx it, and I am EXTREMELY stressed out about it even though it is good news. Change is change is terrifying change. Change scares me way more than it should. Also, I don't think I am going to be able to see or hear from my bf until Wednesday, which also stresses me out.

One good thing though. I am determined to lose weight by then. I want him to notice I have lost weight too. And the good thing? Stress makes me completely lose my appetite. Not eating is how I cope. It is calming. I am excited now. I think I can actually do this!