Thursday, May 2, 2013

I guess I was having a panic attack. It got to the point where I was pretty suicidal there and I was thinking about just walking off and being homeless somewhere where no one would ever talk to me and I could just avoid life. It sounds nice but I know it is silly and unrealistic. Besides, I am terrified to attempt suicide here or commit suicide in general. I always feel like if I failed or succeeded I would still be considered a terrible person.
I can hear D's mother saying how I was never good for him and now I have gone and done a selfish thing and proved her right. I can see her telling everyone what a terrible thing her son's girlfriend did to him. As if it would even be to hurt anyone else. I am pretty sure I would just be dead. I am pretty sure that if I wanted to hurt anyone I would do it in a very different way.
Last time I was in the hospital my dad drove me and he kept asking how I could do that to them so I made him leave me. I was at that hospital all alone for a day before I was taken to a mental ward and my parent's did not visit once because it would be a waste since I would be out soon enough anyways. I think that is always how it is going to be.

But then I think about what my sister said. I never really think about specific quotes like this and it was so simple, and somehow I knew it was true.
She's sixteen and has probably never even been friends with a male, and she said to me, "You are a princess. Don't ever feel like you are worthless."
I can't get past that.

When did I start letting D's mom control how I thought about myself?
I've been through a shit ton and if she can't see how strong I am, it is only because she can't see past herself.
I shouldn't care how she feels about me dying my hair to express myself. I shouldn't care how she thinks when I have to go into the mental hospital to help myself. I've been thinking about that lately. Sometimes I get manic and I just want to go away and be taken care of and sometimes I really want help. I don't know that I would ever actually reach out for it again but it is a thought in my mind that she will think terribly of me.
My bf said last time I was thinking about it that I should tell him when I do go and I asked why. He said so that he could visit me every day because he knew my parent's sure wouldn't.
I wonder a little bit if maybe he isn't like everyone else and actually can support me more emotionally.
I don't know. I shouldn't be judged but I am. I shouldn't let my thoughts be ruled by other people judging me, but sometimes I really can't help it.
Maybe we really can control our emotions to a point, but if we as people never cared about what other people thought we wouldn't be human. We are all hurt by other people at some time or another.

So anyways. For dinner I had mashed potatoes and gravy and chicken and an ear of corn. I am estimating that very vaguely at 800 calories. I ate quite a bit of the mashed potatoes. I love potatoes...
D's mom is coming back on Monday I think. I told D I wanted to leave tomorrow but I am going to be miserable when I go back to the apartment and I don't know how long I can last.
I just hope I can scrounge up enough money for some coffee every once in a while. It may be the only thing to help keep me going.

I should also mention I finally go that keyboard I have been wanting for so long. Now I can play the piano whenever I want. I wonder if that will help me when I am there...?

I think he knows about it to an extent, but there isn't anything he can really do. I remember telling him from the start that if he interfered with my eating habits I would leave because I just can't handle anyone controlling me that way. So it is kind of my own doing... but even knowing all of that, it can feel hurtful sometimes.
Thanks for helping me not feel so alone about the whole bf's mother thing. I hope if I ever have kids I don't get quite like that.
Also, I think I care more about fat calories and calories in drinks with dairy like milkshakes or coffee or hot cocoa than any soda calories, but when they get to me I turn into a diet cola junkie too. :)
D is cleaning out the garage which has stuff from his aunt's who died a few months ago. She left everything to him. His grandma is sitting there dictating where everything goes. He is obligated somehow to ask his mom first if she wants anything and she's not even here.
I know I sound like a whiny little bitch but I have nothing. Quite literally.

His grandma found a brand new pair of boots, never been worn, and when my bf said I could have them, his grandma told him his mom would want them. Then he said how his mother has two brand new expensive pairs of boots sitting up in the attic that haven't been worn in two years. His mom can hardly walk half the time. She doesn't go outside in the winter. I haven't had boots in years. The only pair of boots I have is an old brown hiking pair that I got for free at a thrift store when I was homeless a year ago.

It really isn't my place to say anything though. I don't belong in this house, and I will never belong in his family. His mom comes first. Why should I come first anyways? It's bullshit. I will never be number one so I can either settle for second or get lost. He will always love his mother more than me. Is it stupid to want to be his one and only???

No more selfish self pity or woe is me. That's what I would like to say anyways. I would rather sit here and hate my situation and be angry about it than to have massive panic attacks like I usually do. I'm grateful for any change of pace to be honest. All I want is a home but then I will surely want something more after that.

Anyways, I hit 150 this morning- or really, this afternoon. But I am not happy, and it's one of those days when I wonder if I ever will be.

Why can't I just get a job and live on my own like other people?

My bf is expecting me to help him carry things downstairs from the garage. I got up and nearly passed out. I haven't eaten yet. He doesn't even need my help, he just wants it. Maybe if I was really thin and frail he would actually treat me like a lady and carry things for me. Maybe then he would respect me like his old frail mother. I just want to be treated like I matter, and right now I feel like I am on the bottom of the food chain, even after him.

God I sound like a bitch... but I've got to say, it's about bloody time. I'm tired of being walked on. Sadly, the anger will just make other people dislike me. I don't matter here.
If these aren't good reasons to be skinny, I don't know what is.

I hate being here. I hate being at my bf's. I hate remembering the way his mom said, "uh, no. She is not living with us D." Like I don't belong. I get it already.
So I can stay here for long periods of time when she's not there but I can't bring the important things over like I live here. I don't feel welcome.
I know I get dangerous when I am back there, but I am thinking about going back to the apartment this weekend. It will be bad and I will resist coming back, but in the end I know I will give in, just to have my bf as a comfort again. I don't know why I bother but I feel like I should at least try to keep up the image of living where I actually live.
I feel like shit. I don't want to be here...
I feel so disgusting.

I usually get panicky when I eat too much, which is about every day, so I think about exercising. Sometimes I actually do it, but after I found out how few calories you burn off in an hour of walking I've just of given up. What's the point of burning off such a tiny part of the calories that is going to show up in another way on the scale the next morning? It won't keep off enough weight to even be measurable. If I had that stationary bike I would be on it in a heartbeat... But I don't.

Yesterday after posting about how much I had eaten so far and about the coffee, I actually ended up eating more and snacking. I did manage to cut down the number of dinner calories though. For dinner, I think I had carrots and one piece of toast. I may have had a good 500 calories of candy though. Just things like gummy bears. I wonder what it would really add up to if someone measured, but I don't know if it was a low amount of calories and that's why I lost three pounds, (doubtful), or if I just ended up losing a ton of water weight.
Either way, it felt like a success for me this morning, and it has fueled me to do better today.

For my only meal I had:
2 pieces of whole wheat toast- 200
2 hash brown patties- 300
green beans- >100

If you add in my liquid calories:
1 Pepsi- 160
2 hot cocoas- 300

This is all rounded up just in case, with maybe ten calories added here or there to make it easier. I did have ketchup with my hash brown patties so I think it all adds up pretty evenly.

Total calories of only food: 600 calories
Total calories including liquids: 1060 calories

I usually don't count the liquid calories because for some reason they don't really seem to count but today I've been wondering. Once I only consumed liquids for a day, including soda drinks with a total of over 1500 calories and still lost a good amount of weight by the next day. Either way, 1060 calories is pretty good for me considering lately.
I am hungry at the moment but I feel really good about it and I know that I will not be eating again until after I next wake up. I know why I have control all of a sudden though. I think there are less foods around for me to binge on. At the moment, the only foods that I am comfortable getting to are foods that do not appeal to me right now in the least. I actually have some candy's right next to the bed and I am not interesting in even touching them. It's fascinating really.
I wish I had complete self control all the time. I have also been really forcing myself to realize when I am full and stop. It means that since I have been skipping meals completely, my stomach has shrunk and it takes very little to fill me up. I sometimes wonder if I could become a bulimic. I have made myself throw up before. It's been a while and I often think about it but it has never been convenient enough for me to do it without worrying about the ramifications. I always feel as if someone would notice.

My bf has been reinforcing the idea that I am beautiful no matter what I look like, but I once got him to admit that he did like the way I looked when I was skinnier better. That's all I needed. He knows that I have eating issues and I told him that I wanted to lose weight fast and that I didn't want to eat much. He didn't seem to care either way. He just said okay. He hasn't tried to get me to eat once. It is helpful and somewhat supportive, and yet still makes me feel alone and abandoned. Does he not care that I am willing to starve myself to death to look the way I want to look? I try not to harbor on it too much.

I guess I have gotten back into blogging so you guys can expect me to be posting nearly every day, and sometimes many times a day like I have been lately. I will end this lengthy post here.