Sunday, April 28, 2013

When someone random on the streets puts you down, you don't let it bother you because they don't matter. But then you meet someone who does. You run into someone older with experience and higher social standings and all it takes is one breath to knock you down a few pegs and make you feel like you are worth nothing.
Suddenly you're worth is measured out in very basic terms. You have no job, no money, no house, no skills, no family, no confidence and no say in anything.
I feel like the prostitute fallen in love with a man from a prestegious family. I do not belong. My own family treated me like I was worthless and so that's what I've become. I have to step carefully or the rich family will cut me out fast. My bf is in the family and has to do nothing but follow orders. I never belonged then, and I don't belong now.
In simple terms, my worth is summed up by whether I get a paycheck or not and, my age. I have no one to back me up. I suffer from mental illness. Depression is just weakness. Everything I am is just weakness because I cannot do what other people can. Or in their words, I just won't do it. All my mental illness is is just an excuse. If I am not strong by myself, I am prey.
I just want to die. I will never be worth something in the eyes of those that matter. In the eyes of those that matter to me and I- them, I will never be good enough.