Saturday, April 20, 2013

Okay so I woke up and lost at least one if not two pounds. It's harder to tell with this scale but it was obvious to me that I lost weight since yesterday. Even my stomach feels smaller.
I am guessing that I am 152 at most on that scale. That means that I could be at or under 150 by tomorrow morning. I get to see my bf tomorrow which is exciting, but I always eat too much when I am around him. The worst thing that could happen is that I gain the five pounds back and end up at 155 again. It could be worse. If I hadn't lost any and didn't lose any by tomorrow morning, I could end up nearing the 160's. That is a scary thought...
My low weight is 130 though as of a few months ago so I know I can reach it again. The problem there would be trying to stay there or get under it. But I am excited for the opportunity.
I think I am going back to the apartment tomorrow afternoon. I have a few dollars for coffee and maybe that will keep me through one day. Also, the weather is getting warmer and there is no snow so I can go outside and walk as much as I like. Maybe if my bf gets my bike back to me I can exercise that way. I should lose weight better there. There is no one to feed me but myself there.
Today I have eaten a whole wheat bagel with strawberry cream cheese- about 400 calories.
And I also had seven layer stack up, which is mostly vegetables, with tortilla chips. I have no idea how much that would be but I think I will estimate high at 700 calories. I also had a little bit of ice cream, which measures up to maybe 300 calories.
Altogether, that is 1400 calories. That is much less than yesterday. I think I must have counted way too high for yesterday anyways and that's why I lost what I did, so today if my estimate is high and I exercise like I did yesterday, I should be all set for losing again.
I went through my clothes here, looking for things I can wear during the summer time and I found something I forgot I had- some lingerie. I tried it on and it fits but would look just stunning on me if I were at least ten pounds smaller. This is good motivation for me- to look hot for D.
Thank you so much for your comments lately, Emma Phoenix, Alice May, and Scarlett. You have no idea how much it means to me that I still have some support somewhere. Again, thanks.

I just cycled on the stationary bike at my parents' house for another hour. It said I cycled the equivelent of over ten miles, and burned just over 400 calories. Awesome! That means I have burned a total of at least 600 calories on the bike today.
I calculated a very vague estimate that I consumed about 2000 calories. It may be an overestimate but I would rather over estimate than underestimate. That means that the 2000 I consumed minus the 600 I burned off, my total is about 1400 calories. That is maybe enough to maintain today's weight.
I feel as if my metabolism is really good right now, considering I have been eating like a pig lately, so I may have burned more than that. I may lose. It's hard to tell.
At some point after eating, I weighed on this little scale in the downstairs bathroom here, at around 153-154 pounds. It's not a digital scale so it's harder to be exact. As long as I am below that when I wake up in the morning, I have lost weight. The number doesn't matter so much. I am sure that the scale is so old that it could very well be many pounds off, but I can always compare when I get back to the apartment scale. My main goal here is to lose something. My main goal here, is to lose anything.
Anything is better than maintaining weight, and maintaining is somehow better than gaining but still not good enough.
I am exhausted so I think I will try and sleep, but I am excited to wake up in the morning.

I find it interesting that I have so much enthusiasm towards gaining weight, but not life. Right now it feels like this is the only thing I can change for the better. I suppose any enthusiasm is better than being manic depressive.
Lately I have been rock bottom. It was pretty bad. I considered going back into the hospital or getting help somewhere, which is how I ended up here at my parents' house. It was so bad that my every waking thought was centered around how to end it. The weird and somewhat horrifying thing is that I am not depressed about me. I love myself more than I ever did and I have self confidence and self respect. My issue is my life. I am going to lose everything this year. I can't do anything about it. It's like trying to save everyone at once. It's like that moment in spider man where Mary-Jane or whatever her name was, was being suspended on one side of the bridge, and a cable car was suspended on the other side filled with children. How do you choose? The difference is, I can't save anything. It's getting to be really hard on me. My bf is comforting and making things easier, but he can't fix my problems, and when he and I have a falling out, I feel as if I am all alone in the world and have to shoulder it all by myself. It's very lonely.
I better get to bed now. Goodnight.
Today I had one and a half sloppy joe type sandwiches, several cookies, ice cream and then two grilled cheese sandwich. I guess it could be worse. I would feel worse but I am at my parents' house, and there is an exercise bike down here. I burned 200 calories earlier and have felt hungry for two long periods today. Hopefully I can reach that again before going to bed. I need to feel empty before sleeping. I think I actually already feel empty, but I want to burn lots of calories anyways.
I haven't been this thrilled to exercise in a long time. The exercise bike can burn off so many calories, much faster than walking. I need to be skinny. Screw being 120 pounds, that was only ever my first major goal anyways. I want to be under 100. I know that is ridiculous to everyone else, but I don't really care anymore. I'm not doing this for them. I am doing it for me.
First I have to get down into the 140's though. I may be already but I don't know how this scale measures up to the other two. All I know is that my stomach protrudes and I want it gone. That is my first order of business. I want to be able to go to the thrift store and get a summer wardrobe in a small size. Where I am now is just not acceptable.