Monday, April 15, 2013

I feel like no one can hear me.
I feel all alone.
I feel like, even if I screamed and screamed for hours on end, everyone would just pass me by without a glance.
I feel like the people who matter to me don't share the same feelings. I feel like I am on the inside of a box made of one sided glass.
I feel like the people who I matter to are few and far between. I feel like those who love me have forgotten me. I feel like I am slowly fading away and becoming invisible. No, I am invisible. I am unheard.
I feel like my life is a terrible one way street. I may love others, but perhaps I am mistaken in thinking they love me back.
I feel... like I am failing. I am failing a constant battle. There are no small victories. Maybe I am fighting a losing battle.

I sent my bf some emails last night and he would have seen them by now. It's nearly a full day after I sent them. I also sent a text message that R had quit his job and I was worried. I know D, my bf, doesn't work today. He could have responded but he didn't. And I know well from experience that he probably will not get back to me. The only way we stay in contact when I do not live there is when I angrily call him every other day or so asking for some response. I know he has no life. It's not possible to not be able to find five minutes to tell me he loves me or that everything will be okay.
My only conclusion is to believe that he does not want to make an effort. If I stop calling and texting, will he ever actually get a hold of me? I am going to do so and see the results. In the meantime I need to lose weight. I cannot remain fat. It is killing me. I am miserable and losing weight makes me feel better. Who cares if being eating disordered is hurtful? I don't. No one else cares either. I have cut and OD-ed on pills and things like that since middle school. No one ever cared enough to make me care.
How can I learn to love myself, when I have never gotten an example of someone else loving me? I don't quite know what to base it off of. Besides, loneliness makes no one happy. I don't even want to try.
I am so tired of being a burden to other people. I think that is all that I am to D and to everyone else. I am a burden. The least I can do is make less of me to burden them with.
R quit his job. He's the gay brother of my ex by the way, who has his own apartment. I guess he got bored of working at Walmart after several years of working there full time, and told them he would be starting a new job by the end of last month. I can't believe how incredibly stupid he is. I am so tired of this...
He never got a job lined up for himself. He's not high demand and he doesn't have any degrees or certificates to help him out. Now he is one of us.
I don't know what he plans on doing. As far as I can tell, everyone else around him basically got him the job. Old man was the one who filled out the application and everything. And now R has thrown that all away.
He has his own apartment, so rent will be a problem. He likes to splurge on games and things he doesn't need. He has two cats to take care of and will have to pay for power and enternet. I really have no idea what he was thinking.
Now, you might be wondering how this would effect me. If he can't find a job and pay his rent, he may end up coming back to live with his dad. That would be in this apartment, living with me. There are only two rooms as it is. The old man sleeps on the floor on the living room, which he should take his own bed but he won't. K, H and R's sister lives in the other room using the old man's bed, and I sleep on a moldy mattress next to H in the second room.
I will not handle R living here. He likes to go through everyone's stuff. He is a liar and a klepto and that means he steals things. Things always break around here. He will probably say I have no right to be here and I will have to leave. If not, he will probably manipulate and make up stories and break things until I would rather live on the streets. Honestly, I would already rather live on the streets. If R moves in, I move out. I may have to go to my parent's house and live there for a while. I will probably end up attempting suicide.
This entire year everything is going to fall apart.
R quit his job, my bf can't get me out or won't. H is getting a job but I don't know how far that goes. My entire family is moving to another state. My cat and my things are at my parent's house. If they leave and my cat isn't with me by then, they are taking her with them to be a permanent outside cat. Her lifespan as an outside cat is almost over, and she's lived here for so long that once she is let loose in the yard, she will never come back. She will run as far as she can away from them, and die in the desert that they have decided to move to. My things...? It hasn't even be discussed. I know they would never pay for a storage space for me so as far as I know they will throw it out or throw out a lot of it and then take it with them to be nice. Then I will have no access to my stuff until I can afford to have it shipped back or something.
It's looking terrible this year. Basically my only foreseeable chance is if H really does get a job and really does get a two room apartment so that I have a place to live. But then, how long will that last until he decides to quit again? How long until he gets sick of me again? And it isn't exactly ideal for me to be living with, and supported by my ex-boyfriend, even if he is my best friend right now? My boyfriend doesn't seem to realize how bad my life is at the moment, watching this terrible play about to happen before me. He's never seemed to realize though. He's been so spoiled all his life, that he doesn't know how to empathize or even sympathize. It's tiring and it's already old. He needs to grow up a bit and open his eyes.
My boyfriend also hates that I live with my ex, and we talked and if I have to move in with my ex when he gets a new place, I will, and my bf is just going to have to deal with it.
I am pretty scared right now, but honestly, I just wish something would finally happen. The anxiety and the wait is killing me, and lately I have nothing to do at all and that also tears me apart. It's like sitting in a cage for days on end. I still have to do those cartoons for my dad but I feel as if I am running out of time. I don't really even want to do them but I must.
I hope this whole post hasn't been too much of a downer... But I'm feeling pretty down.