Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Today I didn't eat since maybe one this morning- before I last posted- but I have eaten some.
1 banana- 100 calories
Cinnamon apple sauce- 1/2 cup= 90 calories
Crackers sandwich snack pack- 190 calories
So my total so far is 380 calories. I guess that isn't too bad. I have a feeling that I will be eating again later when my bf comes back from work.

My friend and ex-bf H had some good news for me today. He is taking the nurses aid class that I wish I could have taken. Today was his first day. His mom paid for it, which is nice. He figures he will have a job by the end of the month. It is in high demand and the class is supposed to help him get into a job anyways. He also offered a while ago to get a two room apartment so that I could have a place to live. I never figured H as the one who would get me out, but we'll see. My bf would not be very happy with the situation and for that reason I may have to turn it down, but if I do, it will be years before I can get into any kind of comfortable living situation. H says he hopes the job will pay well enough. I am trying not to hope too much.

I can see a lot of bad things cropping up if I did end up staying with him. It could be a blessing or something more of a curse. But I think a good amount of the bad stuff could be avoided if I made sure to remember that me and H are just friends, and especially if he remembers it too. He doesn't have a new girlfriend to help him remember, but I have D. I do really want to make it work with D. I have been having relationship issues with him lately, and I see a lot of it as things I can't really help with. I guess they aren't as much relationship issues as just his issues. I have tried to help as much as I can but a lot of the issues are things he needs to resolve on his own.
Sigh... I hope he changes for the better or we could go downhill very fast.

Sometimes, as terrifying as it is, I imagine breaking up with him and dating H again. It's unbearable, the idea of breaking up with D, but more because I have learned to rely on him for so long, and I would be afraid of not having a way out of that place. I wonder if that feeling would change if I had a place to live.
I just decided I want to do a fast. I haven't done a fast in what feels like forever. I can't go on like this.
It is Tuesday, April 9th, 2013 and 2 in the morning. I want it to last forever but we'll make it a 24 hour fast to start with. I would prefer a 2 or 3 day fast but I am not sure how things will go.
I am vaguely about 150 pounds. I feel disgusting. I was starting to like my body back when I was about 130 pounds. That was a few months ago if that.

I wish life were easier. I have no place to go. I don't want to live with my bf in his parent's basement. There are no other options. I don't see myself moving anywhere for at least another year if not more like two or three years. It just won't happen. I am not in control of my life. I have no say in what will happen. I have no way to earn income. I have to rely on others. This is the pain that is hell.