Thursday, April 4, 2013

I need to start making money. Even if that involves just buying a trailer and finding a place to park it, that is a foreseeable way for me to live on my own. I can have independence that way. I can never get my own apartment without a documented job to provide proof of income, but I can get a little trailer and have my things around me and live my own way.
I don't think my bf will even be able to pay me back the $150-200 I have helped him out with over the time we have known each other. I no longer even have enough emergency money in my bank to take care of my own phone card this month if, as I suspect is true, my bf cannot afford to pay for it like he promised. My phone is $50 for unlimited per month. His is $100 but he refuses to change it because he likes the luxury of his broken down smart phone. It should be called an idiot phone for as much as I care for it.
I have stopped believing that anyone else but me can get me out. I am tired of relying on someone who in fact is perfectly unreliable. I will never feel safe until I am independent and can make things happen for myself.
I am planning on going out to get my book published, but first I need to start up some kind of website to sell my drawings. My book may take years to get popular enough to make me any money but my drawings can at least give me a very small income. Even a few dollars is more than I have now though.
Once I do get it started up, I will make a post on it, offering for any of you who are interested to get a chance to see my website. Since I need to make the website in my real name and I am pretty paranoid about  anyone connecting my real identity on this website, I will ask for an email and email you the address of my website.
This should be okay, because I know that seeing as I don't show many drawings or advertise them on here, only the people who really care for me as a person will want to look at any drawings. I can trust someone who comes to me in this manner to know who I really am.
I want to be great one day, and even if it is just a pipe dream, this life is a whole different life, the one I talk about on here. I am so open and trusting of my readers not to judge. I have done some very stupid and reckless things and talked about some very personal things on here, and connecting that to any image at all that may come out to the public would be terrible. Even so, a family member may be the only to make connection and that wouldn't be good either.
I need to start soon though, and I would like to start now. Perhaps very soon I can have a site up and running to sell my drawings. I hope that for the first time maybe, I can make a step towards independence and any semblance of happiness- successfully.
I am feeling very depressed lately and for lack of a better word- disturbed.
I am somewhat enjoying it. It is uncomfortable to be just above a low and too low to be on a high.
I remember way back in August when I got tested for all of those disorders, that my bipolar disorder was described to me as not having many highs. The high for my bipolar was actually a general depression, and then the lows were manic depression. It actually rings pretty true. I never really have periods of happiness in any form.
And then it always drops to this. I think what really proves that my depression isn't based on seasons, is that last year it was worse during winter time, and spring. This year, I was doing okay- not good by any means but not terrible- during the winter time, and now as it hits spring I am feeling worse and worse and I think that the summer is going to be hard.
I feel very out of control and off balance. I basically feel very much that I am not in control of my life. More than anything I feel that even though I have a place to go, I am homeless.
My parent's are determined to move my family away and they would urge me to get out anyways, and I would most definitely never be able to handle being there for long anyways. I can only last there a few days as it is before I get manic and turn to extreme thoughts of suicide and escape.
I have stayed long periods of time at my current bf's, D, however his mom was away visiting her sick brother in another state and so has his father. Once she got back, it got to the point where I was so anxious about going upstairs to use the only bathroom, about passing her sleeping form on the couch during the night, that I simply would not go to the bathroom until it seemed I might pee myself. Then his parents would start bugging him about how they wanted me to come up and eat with them at dinner time, his mom would bug him about spending time with me, and about me not ever doing anything like helping out with cleaning. He wants me to do all those things too.
I am growing apart from D. I don't want to be with him a good amount of the time but the moment I am away, I miss his attentions. I think his presence is only a gentle reminder of what could be, but probably never will. I have found that I am dating a much worse sometimes version of my ex-boyfriend  who is now being extremely kind to me.
My bf started his new job which turns out as I suspected, to not be full time yet, and is actually only a spring/summer job. His old job fired him for ridiculous reasons.
Right now, I am at the old apartment that I have been at for two years I think.
I texted him after he never once tried to talk to me for about 24 hours. He texted back that he was sorry but he just got back from work and had to work again in the morning, as in, he could not talk to me today. I don't know whether he shut off his phone before or after the angry text saying there was no way he couldn't take a moment between eating, sleeping, and working to talk to me for a few minutes, but when I called it went straight to voice mail.
It left me feeling so out of control. He hates talking to me through text now. I don't know why. I think he is determined somewhere in his brain for us as a couple to not work out. I feel like it's going to be my ex all over again. But I have no control over the matter.
Here at the apartment, H (my ex of course), has decided to take his mom's offer. His mom is paying for a nurses aid class that could help him to get a job. He is loving towards me even though he knows I am not his, and he is still showing the same signs that he still loves me. He said if he were to get a job, he would get a two room apartment and I could live with him. It was never attached to the idea of us being a couple either. It was a friendly offer, one that I am willing to take him up on if he really follows through with getting a job. I believe that this time, it could really happen. The program should actually set him up for a job. The job will just be handed to him, and all he has to do is take it and work, and not quit. I think he is desperate enough for a job and a way out that he will take it. I cannot believe that he is now 25. I am going to be 20 this year too.
Whether we will date or not doesn't even really cross my mind anymore, but he does show me the respect I deserve, and we have become great friends. I like to take into account that I was on that medication that messed me up when most of everything went wrong, and that I had not yet learned to cope and deal with life in a healthy way (or a perceived healthy way...) yet, and I have forgiven him. I remember, I just don't try and hold a grudge anymore.
I do feel very trapped here though. I feel trapped by myself most of the time.
Yes, I probably could still do more than I do now, but I am not just making excuses for my life. There really are everyday things that other people can do, that I just can't. It's more frustrating for me than for anyone else because I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. Every moment that I am thinking and making memories and breathing, I have to live with those moments, with every moment I ever have forever. But I like who I am. I will not change myself for anyone. That is a conscious decision I am making too. I don't want to destroy who I am just to make someone else happy for a little while. I can pride myself on that too, because it is not a thing a lot of people ever come to terms with in their entire existence.
It doesn't make my life any easier though.
How am I going to get out of here? I am in some kind of a wormhole it seems. I am living the same boring, empty, lifeless day as I did the day before and the day before that, but time is passing. I feel like I am just letting life pass me by. I feel like I am wasting my time. On the outside it may seem as if I am coping, but on the inside I am tearing myself to pieces. I may be the quietest person in the room, but if we put our inside voices in the room together, no one be able to hear themselves over my screaming. It sucks.
I often post because I have nothing to post about. I have no friends, there are no events. Nothing happens. Nothing changes, nothing gets better but slowly grows worse and I cannot stop anything and I am trapped within myself, knowing that I could or should go and do something, and yet I feel paralyzed to do anything.
It is a horrible feeling. And let me tell you, in my life, there are no heroes and the bad prevails and thrives and I am almost never content or happy. I cannot remember the last time I felt okay, and that is not okay, nor will it ever be.
I don't even feel like I said anything of importance in this post. I am very tired of being tired of everything.
I'm going to continue this on in another post so no one has to mull through a lot of nothing to get the end.