Monday, January 28, 2013

I haven't been on blogger for a while now. I now have over 10,000 views. I'm not really all that impressed. 10,000 might as well be 10.
Things should be going great but I feel like I am losing control, like I am losing my head.
I'm going to just explode soon...
Everything with my bf is going fine, going great even. He bought me a new, bigger tank for my Dog (she's my 7 inch- and growing- plecostomus a.k.a. "sucker fish") today. It's amazing.
But I went off my ADHD meds because it was just causing me too much stress without anything to make it worth it anymore. It didn't even suppress my appetite anymore, it was actually making it bigger. So now I have to deal with an enormous appetite. There is just no way around that.
So, I have been binge eating for a few weeks now at least and I have gained 10 pounds. 10 effing pounds.
I keep eating and eating and I can actually see the difference in my face right now. My face actually looks rounder and uglier, and- more familiar. I hate it. I can also feel my shape is no longer shape but just fat. It disgusts me. I am disgusted by myself.
The other day I met up with an old guy friend from high school and my bf came along, and I ran into an old female friend, also from my school days. She'd always been a bit chunkier, but I believe I had always been massive next to her anyways. When I ran into her, I still felt like I was the fat one. She bragged smiling about how she had lost a few pounds, maybe 10, 20 tops, and then realized with a kind of shocked expression that I had lost some too, and I realized later, I am now smaller than her. My bf said so anyways. I am still paranoid... But the look on her face when I passively stood up so she could see me in my little skirt and my layered tights, and fuzzy, gray, expensive poncho type hoodie... I won't forget it. It felt so good.
Later she made a comment like, "At least your parents didn't... I had to pay for my own car and get a job..." All I said was, "You don't know my parent's." I think she bristled. All the while I was sort of laughing in my head at her little attempt at a pity party. Later she mentioned doing drugs and in another instance mentioned how she had really grown up and was mature. Even if she and I were around the same age, it makes me feel... I don't know, mature for not saying anything? I honestly feel ages older than her. I feel like I left that life years ago.
Anyways, I let her have her moment because I had already had mine in my own head. If she wanted all the pity she could have it. It was all hers. Pity isn't what makes a person's life so bad. Still makes me smile at that...
Anyways. I am fat again. I just had the ultimate Ana dream moment. It was a reward for all of my hard work. But now I need to go for a walk. No more lazing around. I need to lose again. My hips are less prominent, my stomach is less flat when it was almost concave, my cheeks are starting to fill out and I started to have cheekbones... What a nightmare. I am frankly horrified at myself. I can't do this anymore. I have to lose. I have to lose a load of weight and fast, and soon.
I am drowning in my own self disappointment. In my own misery. In my own disapproval.
It sickens me to look at myself in the mirror.