Sunday, January 13, 2013


Here you go everyone. I have compiled a list of things that I think I absolutely need to follow if I want to get anywhere. It makes wiggle room for bad situations. There is no, starve for three days and then eat for one, and it's no ABC boot camp either. This allows for common everyday situations that usually throw you for a loop when you are trying to loose weight. Maybe it doesn't cover them all but I am going to try and stick to this.

My New Rules For Myself

Rule #1:
I will take my ADHD meds twice a day like I am supposed to. This should help with or eliminate food cravings.

Rule #2:
I am not allowed to ask others for food, with the exception of my parents and my bf, and only in moderation* and if it is not out of their way financially or out of their way otherwise.

*Only when I start to get sick and dizzy, or feel like I am going to faint.

Rule #3:
I will keep a water bottle with me wherever I go and drink from it when I get hungry. Re-hydrating myself should keep me from getting sick as easily or as often, and will help with hunger. I am not trying to dehydrate myself, I am trying to starve myself.

Rule #4:
If I am facing cravings that I do not feel I can overcome, I will drink some water and take my ADHD med, (assuming that not taking my ADHD med is the reason I am uncontrollably craving food), and then wait a half hour before eating anything, just to make sure the med's appetite suppressing effects have kicked in.

Rule #5:
I will not eat meat and try and stay away from dairy. These have the most calories. I will try and eat fruits and vegetables mostly. Due to cost issues, I can't exclude dairy entirely.

Rule #6:
When having a "meal" I will not exceed 400 calories. Any item of food 400+ calories is too much fat and too many calories and will not fill me up. 400 is a maximum for a period of 4 hours, it is not a requirement to reach that many, nor is it encouraged to reach that many calories.
Meals of fruits or vegetables should not exceed 200, but more preferably, stay under 100 calories.

Rule #7:
In a period of 14-16 hours, (this is considered a healthy amount of time of being awake between two periods of 8-10 hours of recommended sleep), I will not exceed 1000 calories. Any more than 1000 calories and I am basically gaining weight overnight. Less than 1000 and I have higher chances of losing even a fraction of a pound. Even maintaining is, to me, acceptable, when compared to gaining weight.

Rule #8:
If it does not say how many calories are in it, don't eat it. For example if someone offers you something or if it is not measured, or if it is a home cooked meal. If you don't know how many calories are in something, don't eat it- period. Do not guess, do not estimate, do not look it up online because different brands of the same product are drastically different in calories.

Rule #9:
Exercise regularly. No if, and's or buts, go outside and take a walk for at least 45 minutes every day.

Rule #10:
Finally, no throwing in the bag after a binge. Throw it up, however hard or unappealing that may be to you, or burn off every last one of those calories- twice. If you think it is better to forgive and forget, you will shrug off every binge, every day, and you will never lose weight because it doesn't really matter to you. If the result of a binge is panic or punishment, you will be less inclined to do it again because you will dread what comes with it. BINGES ARE NOT OKAY.

Day 6 (entry 1)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

1:05 PM

I worked so hard to lose three goddamn pounds and then gained them all back in one day. Fuck this.
I am 140 again. I have tights and I am layering to keep warm. Now I can see my fat thighs and feel my muffin top all the time and fucking face them until I can be motivated enough to change things.
I need to lose weight.
Eating food literally makes me panic in my head.
I am somewhat panicking right now in fact. I can't remember how many calories I have eaten today, or when I woke up. I get so disoriented when I don't sleep at the same time as anyone else. How am I supposed to count calories for a day when a day for me is the time between not sleeping? This can be more than 18 hours at a time. Sometimes I am awake for more than 24 hours, or even 48 hours. Am I supposed to count calories based on hours instead of days? If I am awake for a day and a half, how many hours is that and how do I do a certain number of calories per day, or even per hour if I don't even know how long I will be up?
I hate the confusion. If I just slowed down enough to think...
100 calories every four hours. That is a good rule right? But then what if someone is trying to get me to eat or makes food for me anyways?
I should also point out that my food card expired and I have been to anxious, and filled with social anxiety and I have just been avoiding renewing it. I filled out the paperwork online. All I would have to do is a phone interview. But I don't know what my status is on things, so I don't know whether to call them or wait until they contact me or who or what number to call... So I have been putting it off.
This means that when I lose control and want food, I have to ask other people for it. That is not okay. I need to support myself. That is sort of the invisible contract for living here. I pay for and take care of all of my own needs.
When I have self control however, I don't have food, so I don't eat food. It's easier and better that way. It would work if I had self control and if I were able to somehow be able to convince others that I was eating, and that someone else like D, my bf, was getting food for me.
This should be so easy. Why isn't it... Sigh. I know exactly why.
I need to be 135. Then I need to be 130. And after that I need to get into the 120's for the first time. Then I need to be 120, and then below 120...
I need to get my head in the game.
I need to create a set of rules...
I can't not eat every day...
Actually, yes I can. Maybe I will.
I will post my new rules on the next post. Rules create structure. Rules create guidelines. Rules create control.