Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Day 2 (entry 1)

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

11:13 AM

My bf just left for work after running me by my parents' house to pick up some packages I ordered online last week. I am excited but also nervous because what I ordered was two computer games that I used to play with my family as a kid, but back then they ran on older operating systems so I have to find a way to get it to work on my newer lap top. I hope I can get them to work...

By the way, the two games are:
101 Dalmatians: Escape From DeVil Manor
102 Dalmatians: Puppies To The Rescue

I had a large waffle with strawberries and butter and syrup which is making me panic. I haven't had a waffle in months though, if not longer. I just couldn't resist. However when I took a shower earlier, hours after eating the waffle, the scale said I was about 139.4 lbs.

I also had tortilla chips and some small candies. I feel guilty and I won't explain why I did, because there isn't really a good explanation- or a good excuse- but I did have them.

However, it looks like I will be up all day which means that I am staying awake for longer than the usual and so I can count in the calories for about two days worth. It's like, people need to eat every so many hours whether they sleep or not, so I am actually making good progress. I really hope I can go to sleep hungry again like last night.

I am hanging out with the bf after he gets off work around 3 pm. We are going to look for some really thick warm tights for me because my jeans are ridiculously thin and you can't really layer jeans and still look sane. Then maybe I can wear a skirt and feel pretty and cute, and yet still be able to keep warm.

We'll see how things go.

Day 1 (entry 4)

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

8:50 PM

I watched a few episodes of the big bang theory with D and I was here at the apartment so of course K had to join in too and now she is obsessively watching every last episode of the show in her room. How annoying. It feels like she is ruining yet another thing that I love for me.

I woke up an hour or so ago. Haven't eaten anything but I'm getting soup now. It's more calories than I thought. 110 per serving, 2.5 servings. That equals out to about 275 calories plus it's made with lactose free milk. 500 Cal's tops.

I woke up at 140.1 lbs. I will be less tomorrow.

D, my bf texted me earlier. I haven't really responded. The more I can distance from him the easier it will make it for me to withdraw and not eat.

One of my danios died while I was sleeping. It's one of my fish just so you all know. I now have one neon tetra, two danios, two gouramis, and dog who is a six+ inch plecostumus who is outgrowing her tank and basically indestructible at this point. I hope the sick gourami doesn't die...

Taking my meds with diet vanilla coke. Will check back later hopefully.

Day 1 (entry 3)

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

9:43 AM

I am going to bed. I am getting too tired and starting to crave and justify food in my head.

I haven't eaten anything since the last two entries though and I am going to bed hungry.

It feels really nice and since most foods make me feel sick, I am actually feeling a bit healthier. The hungry and dehydration sickness hasn't set in yet so it's a middle ground between the two.

My hunger and dehydration sick feelings are like extreme nausea mixed with a really bad balance.

Sometimes I have mini blackouts where I can still move and I am conscious but my vision goes black, and sometimes I have big blackouts that take me to the floor and all I have is some conscious state with no control of my body. It's a weird nausea that feels like everything is spinning and feels burning up and yet frozen at the same time.

Anyways. Let's see what I weigh in the morning.


Day 1 (entry 2)

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

8:35 AM

I am doing well. I haven't eaten anything since my last post. I am starting to feel hungry and I don't drink much water because this place is disgusting and finding a clean glass and then convincing myself it really is clean? Practically impossible. Clean up you say? I have no supplies and I'm broke and we are talking about dog piss and crap and black mold. I would get a water bottle but I could go in circles forever with excuses of why I don't.

I usually start to get very sick when I go too long without food but as long as I don't have to get up for anything, I should be alright. It should at least be bearable then. I am going to try and go as long as I can without food. I am also very tired. I know I have been awake too long, I just don't know exactly how long. I'll stay up until I am tempted by food or I get too tired whichever comes first. Or last. Either way...

When I wake up I will try and keep it around 500 Max, but 300 is acceptable. If I am able to find something to take my a ADHD Med down with then I might be able to keep my calories lower than that because it suppresses my appetite but I don't know.

If I have to have lunch and/or dinner too, they must each be less calories than the last meal. Example: 500 breakfast, 300 lunch, 100 dinner. I find that if I eat the most after waking up, I diligently try to work it off and feel hungry again for the rest of the day, and then I have more nights where I go to bed hungry and empty. But if I starve all day, something in me snaps and I binge later on. Sleep can burn off extra calories when I am hungry and in the morning I often weigh less than the day before. But when I eat before bed, the calories burned while I am sleeping are just burned from what I ate.

Anyways that's my plan for the day.


Day 1 (entry 1)

I was going to start a new blog but I hate leaving this one behind so I am just going to sort of...
I'll put it like this. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
So I am going to copy paste over the posts and go from there.
I used to write journal entries in a notebook like this. It really helps to keep me focused and helps me to stay on track.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

6:03 AM

I know it already says the above information when I publish, but I put that in for me. It's so I know where I am and where I'm at.

I am going to start anew here. This blog will consist of smaller posts where I check in more often. I will use this to check in as often as every hour or more, sometimes less, in order to distract myself, keep myself in check, and in order to constantly remind myself of my ultimate goal.

I probably won't see my boyfriend until Friday and so I should be able to lose some weight before then.
I have been binge eating like crazy so I must weigh a ton. I was in the high 130's last time I weighed myself but I must be in the 140's right now at least.

My goal is 120. That is only my current goal. I may choose to reach farther once I have achieved that.
Anything and everything that keeps me from moving towards that goal needs to end now.

Starting now I will do my best to keep myself in check.

I will not eat this hour. I will not eat this hour. I will not eat this hour...