I'm not sure what to say anymore. I usually love Christmas but I can't feel anything. I am trying my hardest not to think of all of the negative things in my life.
I am now in a home and I feel two ways. On one hand I feel that nothing has changed and I feel more restless then ever because now that my ultimate goal of having a home is fulfilled, I am not sure what to look forward to. On the other hand, I feel that things are slowly and surely going to get better. Now that I have a place to live, everything else can fall into place for me. I can have some space to belong and to put my things without anyone complaining. I am not a problem to anyone anymore even though sometimes I feel otherwise. Soon enough my cat may get the chance to come live with me, so I won't feel so alone during the day when the boyfriend is at work. His paychecks will buy us furniture and we will only get more comfortable from there. I am having him save some money every month so that if something happens we have a safety net. I feel almost financially stable. Soon I can have a writing desk to do my work on. Soon enough, I can start to move forward. No more floundering, trying to find meaning.
Also, although I have felt writers block for a few years now, the inspiration is coming flooding back. I am not yet sure if it is really back or something temporary, but feeling safe and secure must be taking me a long way to helping me create again. I am excited, and yet hesitant.
This is the first good thing to happen to me in a long time and I am afraid the other foot is going to drop and it will all end somehow. But, somehow I am gaining faith and hope that the future won't be so dark for me anymore. I believe this may be the light at the end of the tunnel, and by God I have waited a long time for it.
There are many disappointments in my life right now but I am so grateful to finally have a home.