Sunday, December 22, 2013

Good News

I'm not sure what to say anymore. I usually love Christmas but I can't feel anything. I am trying my hardest not to think of all of the negative things in my life.
I am now in a home and I feel two ways. On one hand I feel that nothing has changed and I feel more restless then ever because now that my ultimate goal of having a home is fulfilled, I am not sure what to look forward to. On the other hand, I feel that things are slowly and surely going to get better. Now that I have a place to live, everything else can fall into place for me. I can have some space to belong and to put my things without anyone complaining. I am not a problem to anyone anymore even though sometimes I feel otherwise. Soon enough my cat may get the chance to come live with me, so I won't feel so alone during the day when the boyfriend is at work. His paychecks will buy us furniture and we will only get more comfortable from there. I am having him save some money every month so that if something happens we have a safety net. I feel almost financially stable. Soon I can have a writing desk to do my work on. Soon enough, I can start to move forward. No more floundering, trying to find meaning.
Also, although I have felt writers block for a few years now, the inspiration is coming flooding back. I am not yet sure if it is really back or something temporary, but feeling safe and secure must be taking me a long way to helping me create again. I am excited, and yet hesitant.
This is the first good thing to happen to me in a long time and I am afraid the other foot is going to drop and it will all end somehow. But, somehow I am gaining faith and hope that the future won't be so dark for me anymore. I believe this may be the light at the end of the tunnel, and by God I have waited a long time for it.
There are many disappointments in my life right now but I am so grateful to finally have a home.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Boyfriend's Weight

It's already the first of December and I feel like it snuck up on me and slapped me in the face. It's already December and I haven't made any progress at all...
So I guess I am more determined than ever. I already ate today but every hour or so I am doing at least 100 jumping jacks and some squats. I think I am going to do some sit ups in a few minutes here too. I have to lose the weight.
I got back in contact with this old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in years. We were friends in middle school and the start of high school before everything went wrong with my life. I'm not sure she even wants to know me but I don't know how she feels about this whole thing. We might meet up some time at the end of the month. It's a big maybe though. I'm sure she doesn't really want to meet up with me too. I just get the feeling that she hasn't let go of what happened in high school. When we were still friends she could sometimes be harsh and mean, so I really don't know what to expect. I want to get to know her again but it's making me really nervous. If I were to see her again though, I would not be able to live with myself if she saw me at this weight. I don't want to forever be the fat one. I want to show her I can be little like her.
Anyways, that is my main motivator, that and it looks like I won't get to go visit my family this Christmas. There won't be any Christmas presents, and the only people I will be able to spend Christmas with are my boyfriend's parents.
By the way, they randomly told V that they knew I was here and weren't angry, but after the way the talked about me and treated me last time they found out, it was a huge shock. They took us out to dinner the day before thanksgiving because V worked that day. I felt like I was ignored the entire day. They brought huge amounts of food that now fill the dorm room so I have to look at it all day.
Then while they were eating dinner they brought up my bf's weight. His mom is very critical of the way he looks. She tells him when she thinks he is fat and tells him to work out. My bf is 140 pounds, sometimes a little less. If he loses another ten pounds, he will be underweight. Literally, he will be underweight. I looked up his bmi. I am a little more than concerned. He has always been overly conscious about everything because the way his parents treat him. I find it a little disturbing to say the least.
I just wish I could be his weight right now. Then I would have less weight to lose.
Is it wrong for me to want him to be a little overweight though?
We were standing next to each other and I looked over at us in the mirror and realized how huge I look next to him. It is so not cool that he weighs less than me. He can't pick me up. I do not feel feminine. Also, when I lean on him he falls over. SO NOT COOL.
I guess it's just a little something more to motivate me though.