What do I value?
- being skinny
- being pretty
- looking like a model
- my paintings (if I can actually finish them)
- my art (mixed feelings here)
- writing fantasy (I've had writers block for too long...)
- blogging (because that gets me so far in life...)
- having a home
- CREATING (This pretty much covers my talents. If I am not creating, I am destroying.)
- pretty things, owning lots of things, creating a beautiful world around me
- living in my head so that I don't have to deal with everything
- euphoria (addicting, happens when I starve, am skinny, or create something amazing occasionally)
I guess I realized that someday I will inevitably grow old and ugly even if I can manage to be skinny, and if I want to have kids that will also have an effect on how I look, and being skinny can't be everything to me. If being skinny is everything that ever matters to me, I will always feel like I missed the important stuff in life. I mean, maybe I want to be famous someday. I don't want to just disappear when I die, you know? I know the chances of becoming famous are ridiculous but...
I even doubt that I want to have children anymore. I always figured I would want them eventually and maybe in a few years I will, but I feel like then my life will be over. Everything will be about the children then. I feel like I will cease to matter once I become a mother. Being a mother takes up every corner of your life. I also feel that I want to have a few kids at least and there is a time limit to child bearing years, so I only have five years or so left before I want to start that. Five years is a long time but when I think about what I can do with it, and what I will do with it, I feel like I only have five years left to live. Am I the only one who thinks about this??? Sigh.
I don't want to spend my entire life searching. I want to do things...
Wow this post was kind of pointless..