Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Wandering Pointlessly

I think I've been struggling with what to do with my life for a while. It's all so confusing. What would make me feel fulfilled? What can I actually do, realistically? I need to figure out things I can do with my life that the manic depression and anxiety can't interfere with. So I'm going to simplify things to myself a little bit.

What do I value?
  • being skinny
  • being pretty
  • looking like a model
  • my paintings (if I can actually finish them)
  • my art (mixed feelings here)
  • writing fantasy (I've had writers block for too long...)
  • blogging (because that gets me so far in life...)
  • clothes
  • having a home
  • CREATING (This pretty much covers my talents. If I am not creating, I am destroying.)
  • pretty things, owning lots of things, creating a beautiful world around me
  • living in my head so that I don't have to deal with everything
  • euphoria (addicting, happens when I starve, am skinny, or create something amazing occasionally)
This list doesn't help much to be honest. Why is it so hard to find a direction...?

I guess I realized that someday I will inevitably grow old and ugly even if I can manage to be skinny, and if I want to have kids that will also have an effect on how I look, and being skinny can't be everything to me. If being skinny is everything that ever matters to me, I will always feel like I missed the important stuff in life. I mean, maybe I want to be famous someday. I don't want to just disappear when I die, you know? I know the chances of becoming famous are ridiculous but...
I even doubt that I want to have children anymore. I always figured I would want them eventually and maybe in a few years I will, but I feel like then my life will be over. Everything will be about the children then. I feel like I will cease to matter once I become a mother. Being a mother takes up every corner of your life. I also feel that I want to have a few kids at least and there is a time limit to child bearing years, so I only have five years or so left before I want to start that. Five years is a long time but when I think about what I can do with it, and what I will do with it, I feel like I only have five years left to live. Am I the only one who thinks about this??? Sigh.
I don't want to spend my entire life searching. I want to do things...
Wow this post was kind of pointless..

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