Thursday, November 14, 2013

Not Okay

Does anybody else feel like they are utterly and completely alone, even in a room full of people? Even in a room with your boyfriend and one of his friends?
God, I was doing so well. I was going to end my day under 600 calories and then his car fucking broke and he had to call his parents and ask for help. He didn't even need his parents. His mom just reassured him the same way I could have had he given me the chance, but who am I kidding? There's just no one like a mom.
I don't want anything to have to do with his parents though. They think I am complete shit and that their son is too good for someone like me. It sickens me. He brings it up almost daily if I don't. This will pass and then I will just be another discarded girlfriend. The fucked up one that makes all the rest look good.
I hate this.
His car broke down so he asked his friend to help him, even though he could have just used my phone. Then his friend and him went and blew some money on food and the friend at least asked me if I wanted anything. My bf purposely tried to make me mad because he thought it was funny, and then asked fifty times, IN FRONT OF HIS FRIEND if I was mad or upset. So embarrassing. Then I just followed them back to the dorm room where they just hopped on the TV and started playing some kind of shooting game. I'm guessing it was Call of Duty or something. It is the most fucking pointless game I have ever seen. He wants to buy himself the next game in the series for $60. His parents are going to buy him hundreds of dollars in presents and then he made a list of other things he wants for Christmas, totaling over $200. Then he promised me a trip to my parents to get some of my things, but it will be another hundred or two and then we will only be able to get my fish tank and a few boxes. He also promised to help me get my cat back. There is a pet deposit and maybe a fish tank deposit in case of water damage. He promised lots of furniture and a new bed and so many other things. Why am I falling for this again? It's just a shit load of empty promises. He might get a few hundred for the entire month of December.
I've been holding all of this back for so long, letting it all build up, ignoring my doubts and thoughts. Now that I have finally binged it's all coming out and I just want to scream. I am so sick of all the shit I have to go through in my life, and there is nowhere to put the blame. I want to disappear. I can just walk away from all of this. Maybe I am actually allowed to have thoughts of my own. Maybe I am actually allowed to have my own emotions. I don't want to be here and I don't want to do this. This is not okay.
MY LIFE IS NOT OKAY.
I can't do this...

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