Thursday, November 14, 2013

Dark Passenger

V makes me realize how dark my life really is, how different I really am. I feel like there really is an "us", and a "them". There is an obvious difference between people like me, and people like him. I embrace my dark side. He never had one, and will probably never see the dark side. I told him he could read a few things from my blog and he told me he couldn't. He's too afraid of what he might read. He cannot face the darker things in life. Songs that mean so much to me, he won't listen to because it scares him. I was watching the show Dexter the other day. Dexter has a darker side he calls his "dark passenger". I love it because it reminds me of me in a way, although I am not a killer, and I feel like the dark passenger is me and there is no other side except for the front I have to put up in front of other people. If anyone else ever saw my dark passenger, saw the real me, I could never be accepted.
Blood and death fascinates me, and he turns away from it. We live in such different worlds...
I love my dark passenger, I love who I am, but no one else ever could.

I'm listening to Silverchair- Ana's Song (open fire), and Brooke Fraser- Scarlet. I so badly just want to embrace my dark side.

I can't breath and the real world scares me. I just want to be by myself in my head again. I want to feel separated. I want to detach myself. I want to finally be at home in my head again.
I want to be tiny. I want to be so tiny I scare people. I want to be able to pick at my food and then turn it away. I want to be untouchable. I want to be fragile and beautiful. I want to always be cold. I want to drown in my own clothes. I want to be careless and free. I want to be far away. I want Ana back. I can't eat healthy anymore. It just sickens me. I want to be unhealthy. I want to be disordered in my eating habits. I want to be not just sick, but the sickest. I don't care how messed up that is. I want it back.

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