I saw a girl earlier and she was the tiniest thing I have ever seen and it looked so natural. It brings out some of my worst fears, and I bet some of you fear these same things, but it is never mentioned.
I fear that maybe, I may not ever be that small. I fear that I am wasting time by spending it failing over and over again. I feel like time is running out for me. I sometimes fear that maybe I will never be able to be that small. What if my bones are big and no matter how skinny I get, I will never look like these other girls? What if the numbers on the scale never reflect the way I look? What if I will always look fatter than I weigh, or the numbers always say I am fat even when I look skinny? I want everything to work together. I want the numbers to reflect the way I look. I want to be tiny, and I want to stop feeling the way I feel about myself. I want to feel good, look good, and be the envy of every passing person in real life, not just in my day dreams.
But I guess, we can't ask ourselves these questions, because if we do, we might be admitting that we can't fix what we find so wrong with our own bodies, and I personally, cannot accept that I may never be the perfect beautiful person I know I am meant to be. So we keep dieting in the hopes that someday, we might fit in with everybody else, because if we could never fit in, we could never accept ourselves.
However, time is always passing by. The outfits we never let ourselves buy because we can't admit that we are bigger than we'd like to be, the clothes we never try on because we want to wait until we are smaller, even though we never get there.The social events we never go to because we can't bear to let anyone see us in a different way than we want to see ourselves. We pass on spending time with family or friends because we don't want them to see the way we really look. We want them to see us after we look better, and we always resolve to look better by a time or event that is unrealistically close to now, and then when we fail ourselves, we back out of those events too. Or even the events we cannot miss, we end up tearing ourselves apart because we didn't make it, and then we imagine every pair of eyes looking our way to be tearing apart the way we look. In the end, we end up cheating ourselves out of life. We end up wasting the times that are most important in our lives, because we feel that we are wasting time, failing to use our self control to make our bodies look perfect. It's a self defeating cycle. Is it worth it? We won't decide whether it is or not. We have to be perfect, not just for everyone else, but for ourselves. Because we have convinced ourselves that we deserve nothing less than perfection.