Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Passed My First Goal

I passed my first goal. I have lost six pounds since I started the new system. By tomorrow it should be seven pounds.
I ate too much but I am determined to reach my goal before Christmas. I walked for a good hour at least and I am planning on doing more walking, while watching more episodes of "Pretty Little Liars".
The girls are so pretty.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Lease, cat, no damage done

I had a break down last night. I just lost it from all of the stress lately
Turns out when I really think about it, I was freaking out over what other people would call normal eating.
Half of a sub sandwich and two chips ahoy cookies can hardly be called a binge, but at the time it felt like I was eating so much!
So I didn't get a chance to weigh myself until after the lease signing, (Yay! It's official now!), so I ate breakfast first but when I weighed myself I was at exactly the same weight as yesterday. Since that was after eating, I think I may have actually passed my goal but didn't get the chance to see it. I will see if I can get under it by tomorrow. I seriously thought I had gained at least two pounds...

Also, since it is $250 to get my cat into the apartment and $25 extra a month for the cat's rent, V does not want to pay that much and suggests leaving the cat where she is. I am not happy right now. I'm going to be trapped in the same room with V at the new apartment too. I am so not ready for any of this.

Boyfriends and Weight

I want to be the girl in the relationship for once.
V weighs 139 pounds. I weigh 161. It's disgusting. It's sick. How do people live like this?!
This is what we should look like.

Dark Passenger

V makes me realize how dark my life really is, how different I really am. I feel like there really is an "us", and a "them". There is an obvious difference between people like me, and people like him. I embrace my dark side. He never had one, and will probably never see the dark side. I told him he could read a few things from my blog and he told me he couldn't. He's too afraid of what he might read. He cannot face the darker things in life. Songs that mean so much to me, he won't listen to because it scares him. I was watching the show Dexter the other day. Dexter has a darker side he calls his "dark passenger". I love it because it reminds me of me in a way, although I am not a killer, and I feel like the dark passenger is me and there is no other side except for the front I have to put up in front of other people. If anyone else ever saw my dark passenger, saw the real me, I could never be accepted.
Blood and death fascinates me, and he turns away from it. We live in such different worlds...
I love my dark passenger, I love who I am, but no one else ever could.

I'm listening to Silverchair- Ana's Song (open fire), and Brooke Fraser- Scarlet. I so badly just want to embrace my dark side.

I can't breath and the real world scares me. I just want to be by myself in my head again. I want to feel separated. I want to detach myself. I want to finally be at home in my head again.
I want to be tiny. I want to be so tiny I scare people. I want to be able to pick at my food and then turn it away. I want to be untouchable. I want to be fragile and beautiful. I want to always be cold. I want to drown in my own clothes. I want to be careless and free. I want to be far away. I want Ana back. I can't eat healthy anymore. It just sickens me. I want to be unhealthy. I want to be disordered in my eating habits. I want to be not just sick, but the sickest. I don't care how messed up that is. I want it back.

Not Okay

Does anybody else feel like they are utterly and completely alone, even in a room full of people? Even in a room with your boyfriend and one of his friends?
God, I was doing so well. I was going to end my day under 600 calories and then his car fucking broke and he had to call his parents and ask for help. He didn't even need his parents. His mom just reassured him the same way I could have had he given me the chance, but who am I kidding? There's just no one like a mom.
I don't want anything to have to do with his parents though. They think I am complete shit and that their son is too good for someone like me. It sickens me. He brings it up almost daily if I don't. This will pass and then I will just be another discarded girlfriend. The fucked up one that makes all the rest look good.
I hate this.
His car broke down so he asked his friend to help him, even though he could have just used my phone. Then his friend and him went and blew some money on food and the friend at least asked me if I wanted anything. My bf purposely tried to make me mad because he thought it was funny, and then asked fifty times, IN FRONT OF HIS FRIEND if I was mad or upset. So embarrassing. Then I just followed them back to the dorm room where they just hopped on the TV and started playing some kind of shooting game. I'm guessing it was Call of Duty or something. It is the most fucking pointless game I have ever seen. He wants to buy himself the next game in the series for $60. His parents are going to buy him hundreds of dollars in presents and then he made a list of other things he wants for Christmas, totaling over $200. Then he promised me a trip to my parents to get some of my things, but it will be another hundred or two and then we will only be able to get my fish tank and a few boxes. He also promised to help me get my cat back. There is a pet deposit and maybe a fish tank deposit in case of water damage. He promised lots of furniture and a new bed and so many other things. Why am I falling for this again? It's just a shit load of empty promises. He might get a few hundred for the entire month of December.
I've been holding all of this back for so long, letting it all build up, ignoring my doubts and thoughts. Now that I have finally binged it's all coming out and I just want to scream. I am so sick of all the shit I have to go through in my life, and there is nowhere to put the blame. I want to disappear. I can just walk away from all of this. Maybe I am actually allowed to have thoughts of my own. Maybe I am actually allowed to have my own emotions. I don't want to be here and I don't want to do this. This is not okay.
I can't do this...

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Wandering Pointlessly

I think I've been struggling with what to do with my life for a while. It's all so confusing. What would make me feel fulfilled? What can I actually do, realistically? I need to figure out things I can do with my life that the manic depression and anxiety can't interfere with. So I'm going to simplify things to myself a little bit.

What do I value?
  • being skinny
  • being pretty
  • looking like a model
  • my paintings (if I can actually finish them)
  • my art (mixed feelings here)
  • writing fantasy (I've had writers block for too long...)
  • blogging (because that gets me so far in life...)
  • clothes
  • having a home
  • CREATING (This pretty much covers my talents. If I am not creating, I am destroying.)
  • pretty things, owning lots of things, creating a beautiful world around me
  • living in my head so that I don't have to deal with everything
  • euphoria (addicting, happens when I starve, am skinny, or create something amazing occasionally)
This list doesn't help much to be honest. Why is it so hard to find a direction...?

I guess I realized that someday I will inevitably grow old and ugly even if I can manage to be skinny, and if I want to have kids that will also have an effect on how I look, and being skinny can't be everything to me. If being skinny is everything that ever matters to me, I will always feel like I missed the important stuff in life. I mean, maybe I want to be famous someday. I don't want to just disappear when I die, you know? I know the chances of becoming famous are ridiculous but...
I even doubt that I want to have children anymore. I always figured I would want them eventually and maybe in a few years I will, but I feel like then my life will be over. Everything will be about the children then. I feel like I will cease to matter once I become a mother. Being a mother takes up every corner of your life. I also feel that I want to have a few kids at least and there is a time limit to child bearing years, so I only have five years or so left before I want to start that. Five years is a long time but when I think about what I can do with it, and what I will do with it, I feel like I only have five years left to live. Am I the only one who thinks about this??? Sigh.
I don't want to spend my entire life searching. I want to do things...
Wow this post was kind of pointless..

Greek Yogurt

It took me two days to get back to where I was because of a bad day. Then yesterday I know I ate too much, and I was convinced that I would gain several pounds back. Well, I weighed this morning and I am at exactly where I was yesterday. I didn't lose or gain. I guess it's great that I didn't gain anything but I am so close to my first goal that it was slightly disappointing. I am disappointed in myself for not doing better. I can't just lose half a pound a day. I would never get to my goal that way. I need to lose now and succeed every day. Dieting is never satisfying without success. I need to exercise some control.
I am 0.6 pounds over my first goal. That's not even a full pound!
I haven't eaten anything today and I don't plan to eat until my bf gets back in four hours after he is done with work. Then maybe I will have a yogurt. The best thing about this plan is that by then, even if I end up binge eating until I am so full I feel sick, I only have low calorie foods around and I should fill up quickly. I won't be able to eat more than around 800 calories, even if I lose control. Besides, if I stick to my yogurts (80 calories each) then I would have to eat a whopping ten of those yogurts to get to 800 calories. I will probably be full after about three, even in binge mode. That's 240 calories for three yogurts.
I love these yogurts. They are Light & Fit Greek yogurts, with no fat in them, at 80 calories, and they have the consistency of soft cream cheese almost. Very filling, no damage done. Vanilla is my favorite. I find that when I have a bad day and eat a lot, the more of them I eat, the less damage is done and it's almost like the calories in them don't even count. Besides all of that, they are supposed to be really good for my tummy, which has stopped getting upset nearly completely since I started eating them.
Anyways I figured I would share this with everyone as a possible alternative to binge foods, or maybe just something to add in to the day as a low calorie option.
On a different note, the points plan is still working for me, and I have actually been able to keep track of everything I eat, and it keeps me in check and motivates me. I NEED to reach my goals before the holiday season is over. It is no longer a want. Keeping a food diary really helps too. I actually keep a separate notebook for that and my bf hands both notebooks to me as I am eating throughout the day to help, and when he is gone I keep track of every little thing that passes my lips. When I see how long the list is getting I start to feel quite disgusted with myself and then I force myself to stop eating before it gets out of control.
Everything is coming together. My main problem I think, is trying to find the determination and motivation to push me to do better than my best, and that's why I am blogging more now. I need to reach out to everyone and let them know that I for once am not failing, and if I do start to fail, I will have to tell everyone that I am not as good as I want to be. I can hide away and not broadcast my failures to anyone and binge and hate myself, but it will never help me to feel better. The only one who can help me is me, and if I hold myself accountable for my mistakes, then I have no choice but to do better. I hope this helps someone else in the process.

Monday, November 11, 2013

4 Months

Me and V have been together four months today. I don't usually keep track but I mean, why not?
I ended up gaining almost two pounds yesterday but lost another one today so I am on my way. I feel like I am not making any progress though. I want to see some new numbers.
I don't have much to say today though so here's some thinspo for everyone.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Model Diet

I ran into a video and some articles mentioning Victoria's Secret Angel Adriana Lima's diet for before the show and I wanted to share it on here. I would like to try it myself but I can't do any dieting here in the dorm because the more liquids I drink the more I have to pee and I already pee every other hour or so when I drink half the recommended amount. It sucks. This wouldn't be such a problem but I'm not supposed to be living here, and eventually someone is going to notice me if I end up having to go pee every night, all night, every other hour. But I found out I might get to move in to the apartment earlier than planned. Maybe around the 15th like I originally thought. Then our bedroom will have it's own bathroom and I won't have to worry about stuff like that. I'm still considering doing this plan anyways though... It might be worth the risk.
Anyways, it goes something like this.
She drinks a gallon of water a day. Nine days before the show she stops eating solids and sticks to protein shakes only. Then two days before the show she stops drinking the full gallon and starts drinking normally. Twelve hours until the show and she stops drinking entirely. Sounds amazing right?
It might be a good way to approach a special day and try to lose a lot of weight fast. I do not recommend drinking so much water however. I think she also works out for at least two hours a day. I like the all liquids diet though. I have found that part to be extremely effective from past experience.

Ana Fears

I saw a girl earlier and she was the tiniest thing I have ever seen and it looked so natural. It brings out some of my worst fears, and I bet some of you fear these same things, but it is never mentioned.
I fear that maybe, I may not ever be that small. I fear that I am wasting time by spending it failing over and over again. I feel like time is running out for me. I sometimes fear that maybe I will never be able to be that small. What if my bones are big and no matter how skinny I get, I will never look like these other girls? What if the numbers on the scale never reflect the way I look? What if I will always look fatter than I weigh, or the numbers always say I am fat even when I look skinny? I want everything to work together. I want the numbers to reflect the way I look. I want to be tiny, and I want to stop feeling the way I feel about myself. I want to feel good, look good, and be the envy of every passing person in real life, not just in my day dreams.
But I guess, we can't ask ourselves these questions, because if we do, we might be admitting that we can't fix what we find so wrong with our own bodies, and I personally, cannot accept that I may never be the perfect beautiful person I know I am meant to be. So we keep dieting in the hopes that someday, we might fit in with everybody else, because if we could never fit in, we could never accept ourselves.
However, time is always passing by. The outfits we never let ourselves buy because we can't admit that we are bigger than we'd like to be, the clothes we never try on because we want to wait until we are smaller, even though we never get there.The social events we never go to because we can't bear to let anyone see us in a different way than we want to see ourselves. We pass on spending time with family or friends because we don't want them to see the way we really look. We want them to see us after we look better, and we always resolve to look better by a time or event that is unrealistically close to now, and then when we fail ourselves, we back out of those events too. Or even the events we cannot miss, we end up tearing ourselves apart because we didn't make it, and then we imagine every pair of eyes looking our way to be tearing apart the way we look. In the end, we end up cheating ourselves out of life. We end up wasting the times that are most important in our lives, because we feel that we are wasting time, failing to use our self control to make our bodies look perfect. It's a self defeating cycle. Is it worth it? We won't decide whether it is or not. We have to be perfect, not just for everyone else, but for ourselves. Because we have convinced ourselves that we deserve nothing less than perfection.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Christmas Music Already

As many of you may know, I have an obsession with winter time and Christmas season, so yes, I am listening to Christmas music already. In my defense, the radio station here already started playing it and I particularly like that radio station.
I find it motivating because I imagine myself on Christmas morning, or in the month of December when all of the snow starts falling and there is just no way that I can ruin that by letting myself continue on this way. There is nothing more satisfying than having to bundle up in so many layers because you are so tiny you can't make your own heat, and then knowing that the layers only make you look smaller because there is no fat to make it bulgy.
Snow is like an alternate reality that coats the world and lets you see through to somewhere not quite real. It's magical for me. Christmas makes me feel like for just one day, everything can be better. It's like holding your breath for 364 days and then being able to finally take a breath before you plunge into another tough year.
I know everyone is going to think I am crazy for getting into the holiday spirit so early, but since I have so much time on my hands, and winter is so difficult for me with all of my disorders and all of the crap that is happening in my life, I need the season to last just a little bit longer to get through it all. Besides, if I want to be skinny by the time I move into the apartment (actually found out it won't be until December 20th at the earliest), I need to start motivating myself now.
Just an update on the system I posted about yesterday, it is working quite well for me. I have lost three pounds since I started three days ago. That may not be much yet, and it's still up in the air whether I am going to be able to stick to it for a long time, and I think a pound a day is still remarkable progress. I am so excited to be skinny again, or at least skinnier. I am going to pass up my low weight before I know it.
I hope everyone is doing well wherever you are.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

New Diet Plan

I have worked out a new diet plan for myself that involves a point system kind of like weight watchers but tailored more for my own personal needs.

0 cals          10 pts
100 cals        9 pts
200 cals        8 pts
300 cals        7 pts
400 cals        6 pts
500 cals        5 pts
600 cals        4 pts
700 cals        3 pts
800 cals        2 pts
900 cals        1 pt.
1000 cals      0 pts
1000+ cals  -5 pts
-5 points for every 500 calories after that.
This is so that I don't just allow myself to keep eating after I've already passed 1000 calories.

0 mins       -2 pts
20 mins       2 pts
40 mins       4 pts
60 mins     10 pts
120 mins   15 pts
180 mins   20 pts
+5 points for each hour after that

1 cup    1 pt
2 cups   2 pts
3 cups   3 pts
The reason I am encouraging myself to drink coffee is because it can help me keep calmer and mellow out a bit. Since I have ADHD it has the opposite effect on me so it helps with restlessness and anxiety. Also, the caffeine is good for my metabolism and it always makes my appetite go away for a while. You can also substitute this section with a tea section because everyone knows how good tea is for you.

Going outside:

0 mins     0 pt
20 mins   2 pts
40 mins   4 pts
60 mins   6 pts
Since I have anxiety issues I have trouble going outside every day so I won't take away any points for not going outside, but it can also help with my depression to go outside every once in a while so this will encourage me to take short walks at least. It can help make up a few extra points on a bad day too.

gaining more than 1 pound   -5 pts
gaining 1 pound                   -3 pts
maintaining weight                 0 pts
losing 1 pound                      5 pts
losing more than 1 pound    10 pts

blogging +1 per day
purging -5 pts
diet pills/vitamins +1 per day
OD on any pills, medication, or misuse of laxatives -10 pts

If anyone else wants to use this system, you don't have to do it exactly like mine. You can change the points around to whatever you think helps you best, and then add more sections for other goals. For example, you can write down a list of goal weights and when you pass them, you can give yourself a bonus of 20 points or something along those lines.
I wrote these down in a new notebook of mine. It has a hard cover with Marilyn Monroe on the front and a red ribbon for a bookmark. Because it is so nice and wasn't exactly cheap, it makes me want to do really well so I don't have to open something so beautiful and see a list of failures. I keep track of my points day by day by lettering the sections and then writing the letters and points for that section next to them in each entry. Then I total them up and circle them for the day.
My goal is to be down to 140 by the time I move into the new apartment on the 20th. We put in our applications today and did some paperwork so it's all finalized. I can totally do this.