I haven't posted in a while. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like a broken record every time I get on here. There is nothing positive or uplifting about anything I write and I know it. I feel like this is me sending an S.O.S. to the world, broadcasting it like a radio signal in the apocalypse, waiting for somebody else to respond so that I don't have to be alone in this cruel, hard world. But I think maybe it just makes me feel lonelier.
I think most of the time in my real life I just act like nothing is wrong, like nothing wrong can happen. It's my way of coping. When nothing seems to go right, I feel like I am not allowed to cry or show weakness. I can't express myself in a negative way. The world has enough of that. But then, I think that's why I'm here right now; because everyone around me can't see the negative. I can't let them.
Are there anymore good people in this world? I know the answer to that. I know there are, they just seem to be all the wrong people. The good people are the people like me. They are rare or broken or in the wrong position to help anyone and that's what makes life so hard. The reality is, not many people have the time or the money or enough of any other resource for that matter, that they can help everyone who needs it. So I have fallen between the cracks.
I love the way I am. I just want to be me. It may not be easy but I love me, because I have been me my whole life. Why would I want to be anybody else when I know everything about me that is good and bad, and all of the secrets and moments that make me so wonderful. But everybody else wants me to be someone I am not.
I need to get on disability to get by, but they will not allow me into the program without medication. The medication will not make me happy. There is no magical happy pill. It can only make things bearable. It can only make me numb to whatever makes me feel so out of control, but will also take away the parts of me that make life so worthwhile and exciting. They want to put me on lithium, but I will have to take regular blood checks to make sure it is not killing my thyroid. I have a good chance of ending up that way anyways. Then I will have to take hormones to fix that. But also, if I want to have children someday, which is only a few days down the road, I will have to go off of the medication so as not to harm the fetus. I will go through withdrawal and have to deal with the bipolar disorder for 9 months. By then, the positive coping mechanisms I have learned thus far will be distant memories instead of habits anymore. If I want to breastfeed after those nine months, I will have to stay off of it for longer. I am at high risk for postpartum depression. Then I will have to go back onto it again, but if I want to have more than one child, it will only be short term. I can't ride that roller coaster my entire life.
But I have to face the facts. The bipolar is bad. The lower moods that dominate my life during the colder months especially eat at me. They make it hard for the people around me. I wonder if I can really raise children that way, have a family that way. Can I make it?
I have to ask questions like, what will it be like for my family in the future if I am on a constant roller coaster? What will it be like for them for me to go off and on medications my entire life? Is it even possible to have a normal life without medication? But being on medication is surely not easy either. There is really no way to win here. It feels like a lose-lose situation, and I wonder which way would be less hurtful to those around me. I have my future to think of, my whole life ahead of me to plan and try and make the best of.
For now, I am too afraid to try medications. They have never helped me before, and the implications of my future are looming over my head. I don't have an address to give the doctors office if I tried to go, and it seems like I need to wait before making any decision this big. I am going to try to cope on my own. I have been doing okay this past year and it seems like things could be okay for a little while, maybe.
It's so cold here. I am enjoying the fresh air for once.